Spiritual Axiom

There is a Spiritual Axiom, that comes in Step Ten, that says:

“That every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US.”

Tonight, was the second pass through Step Ten, as it is October, and the tenth month of the year, hence, we spend a month working Step Ten. We hit this passage last week, at my men’s meeting, and I had the same response I did tonight.

I disagree with this Spiritual Axiom.

I write a tenth step every night. Sometimes it is not perfect, because much of what I do is never perfect, and is a work in progress. I learned a long time ago to allow people to do what they are going to do, say what they are going to say, and treat me the way they are going to treat me.

I give you enough rope to hang yourself.

I may not be the best sober man in the world, but I sure as shit, do not treat my fellows the way my fellows treat me. I’ve never been unkind or uncharitable with my friends. In fact, I go above and beyond with anyone and everyone.

Over these many years, I watched people do what they are going to do, and say what they are going to say. And for me, I am honest, to a flaw. I really don’t hang on to resentments. Because I don’t waste precious mental energy and space on people.

So, like I have said about this spiritual axiom, that I don’t agree with … If you piss me off, I will tell you that you pissed me off, plain and simple. AND if you are an asshole, you better believe that I will share my opinion of you that “YES, You Are an Asshole.”

Do you know how many assholes there are in the rooms of AA in Montreal? Do you know how many straight men carry the moniker of asshole? Do you know how straight men treat me in group settings, on retreats, and especially when we share meals?

Do you know how many alcoholics reached out to me to try and help me when I went through the worst period of my life in sobriety, a few years ago? NOT ONE.

Do you know the alcoholics who asked me to leave a meeting, because I was a bit too emotional for the women in the meeting, and that I was scaring them, and please, could you leave this meeting and not return?

Do you know how many alcoholics spent any time trying to help me learn how to cope with devastation and anger after the shooting of fifty young people in a bar I used to drink in?


nobody offered me a single bread crumb or intimate that they were interested in helping me get better. No, rather, they watched me suffer for more than a year alone, by myself.


So the Spiritual Axiom says that if I am disturbed, no matter the cause, there is something wrong with ME? Are you fucking kidding me ?

I met a man from Miami today, visiting the meeting I went to after dinner today. He just happens to be a member of the Coral Room, where I got sober the first time, when I was very sick with AIDS, and someone asked me to speak, and so I spoke that night.

100 men had gotten up and went and waited outside for me to finish. Then one of them had the Gaul to say to me: “We don’t condone people like you. Leave this meeting and Never Come Back.”

I told our visitor that story after the meeting and all he could say was, “How Unfortunate.”

Yeah, I drank over that statement. I returned in 2001 at SOBE. And I asked him if he went to SOBE, and he replied, No I don’t go there, I try not to go to that meeting hall. I was like, well, that’s where I got sober after that crash and burn out of the Coral Room.

I’ve got some time, and I also have an honest view of my peers and what they do and what they say in front of me and to me.

After the meeting wrapped up tonight, I was unceremoniously told that I was inappropriate in meetings. I do not dress appropriately. And because of that, I should really dress down for meetings, because women won’t walk up to me to get a beginners chip, if I am in sports wear. I was told my dick was showing too much.

Funny how many people are consumed with the way I dress and the size of my DICK !

I’m really getting fed up with my fellows, and how I have to change who I am, and how I dress, and what I am wearing, and what jewelry I decide to wear in public. I don’t care what you wear, or the jewelry you wear, or how you look. I really don’t give a shit.

But people have proven to me over the past few months how prudish they really are. And how sensitized they when they look at me and right off, judge me for what they believe I am trying to say, statement wise, by my dress and choice of jewelry.


I’m not playing this game any longer ….

Odd Conversation

There were protests all over the city today, and into this evening’s rush hour. I was not sure if my bus would be disrupted, so I left a little early.

I arrived at the church plenty early. And as I began my set up ritual, the choir director stepped into the kitchen and I opened a conversation with him, inquiring about this years crop of choir singers. He said the best people had returned this year, but the entire group of singers were very good.

I went on with making coffee and went into the hall to set up my tables and chairs. He followed me into the hall, and stood by and watched a bit, before he launched into the next portion of the conversation about the rooms, our kids, then on to myself.

We spoke for a while, but I had plenty of time to finish. The Choir director is “family” and he was intrigued that I spent a year in seminary back in the states as a young person. I told him the long and short of homosexuality in Catholic Seminaries and what my experience had been.

After while, he grabbed the lock around my neck, after figuring that I would talk some more about me. He asked if I was trying to send a message, and I responded Yes.

I told him the full story about where I came from, and how I got here, and how one man changed my life and saved it in the same breath. And why i was wearing said chain around my neck. He was enthused by my willingness to talk about very personal thoughts about my life and my experience as a gay man.

It was the first time, a stranger has engaged me in honest conversation, that was not judgmental nor negative.

I know the choir director because I see him every week and we have pleasant conversation whenever we see each other.

It stuck me odd that the conversation took place. I was unprepared for what was coming, but after while, I realized that he was safe to tell my story to, because he is gay as well.

A good way to start a Thursday night.

In the Grand Scheme of Things

Attempting to find where you exist, in the grand scheme of things, is a tall order.

Sobriety is not an event, but is ongoing. If you want to be sober, one must employ the cocktail of “sobriety” that is placed at your feet, (the Proverbial Tool Kit.)

If you focus on only some of what you are told to do, and you ignore the other parts of what you should do, at some point, you will find the imbalance, and there is a chance you will drink again, because the book does say … “The Alcoholic Will Drink Again.”

We read from Into Action tonight. The context behind the portion we read, is finding that one human being that you can be totally honest with. This chapter comes as we sit for our Fifth Steps.

I’ve found very few people, in the rooms, with whom, I can be totally honest with, in all things. There aren’t very many straight people, or for that matter, Gay folks, who have ever intimated that they were interested in anything I had to say, step work or other.

And for the last little while, unfurling the Lotus Flower is the order of the day. Lorna likes to say that “peeling an onion,” is unattractive to her, she’d rather, unfurl a lotus flower. A lotus flower sits on a pad on the mud. And unfurls all its petals. Sobriety is like that lotus flower. All the good and bad, the resentments and the short comings, are there. At night, the lotus flower folds up, and each morning the flower unfurls all its pretty petals.

I’ve been shedding parts of me, that I have uncovered, that are objectionable. Those parts of me, that I’ve been ready to look at honestly, with new eyes. Ridding myself of other behaviors, not just the alcoholism, or drug addiction, the rest of me is still there. And at some point in sobriety, we find that we’ve come to the point that we are spiritually ready to do some heavy lifting.

I’ve shared this portion of my journey with two people. My Elder Spiritual Director, and my best friend, who is participating in Locktober with me. When you take away, the ability to act selfishly, and you take away the portion of self will run riot, one begins to see the world and our place in that world differently.

I’ve known where I sit in the grand scheme of things for a very long time. When I got sick, I was a mess, in every way possible. To sort out my brain, and my “all over the place” emotions, Todd gave me the one tool, that changed my life and saved it, as well.

I was to leave my monkey brain at the door. And when I entered the bar, the only thing I was to think about, was what I had to do, on any given night, and Only That.

Serving others, Alphas, Betas, Subs, Masters, Doms, was what I was told to do. My job was to be the best at serving others, to the best of my abilities. It was my job, at times to welcome visitors, singers, celebrities, you name it. I’ve met my fair share of famous people in my life, this goes for in sobriety as well.

My Master Todd, never gave me a title. He never called me by any other name than the one he coined: “Little One.”

I worked, night after night, for one thing. To make sure, that my efforts at whatever I was doing, did not go unnoticed. That was a harsh lesson, for sure.

In the end, I learned that if you go to work, you do the best job you can, with everything that you have, and IF you do that very good job, you won’t need anyone’s approval or accolade.

Every night, in Sobriety, I work. I have keys to several churches in Montreal. I have those keys, so that I won’t have to wait outside for anyone else to open up a room. because when it is (-20c) outside with snow on the ground, one does not want to have to wait on anyone top come and open whenever they wish to.

Last Fall I worked my steps. I am working steps with new folks. I have my guys I work with and meetings I go to and also, meetings I serve as trusted servant.

I know my place in the grand scheme of things.

In certain circles there is a term for that position. I know what it means for me. I have had enough time to sit and ponder my place in the world. I know who I am today, and the role I play in the lives of my friends.

Yet, there is only ONE person, who I am intimately honest with.

Back in April, when Chastity was introduced, it took a month, for my best friend to realize and accept that he was the other player, in the prophetic dream I had, that initiated this phase of life. He accepted chastity willingly. And spent 100 days locked up. Along with myself, here in Montreal. At the end of that run, he admitted why he wanted to be released.

Honestly, all he wanted was to meet a girl and have sex.

Well, since that day, that event did not come to pass. Our world is still being reorganized. In September, I handed him my keys for my rage cage. He agreed, again, willingly, to participate in Locktober. We are on Day 10.

We meet every Sunday to discuss progress, and to share where we are spiritually, mentally, and physically. On Sunday night we spoke honestly. And I brought up, his past goal, and he admitted that yeah, all he wanted was a selfish pursuit.

He then asked me, if I took off my cage, would I be able to not touch myself, without it? Honestly, I told him, No Guarantees. He tends to think that chastity is a short term decision. Because he is not in the same space I am. We are two different men, with different inclinations, and orientations.

I know, that I would rather keep my cage on me. And I’d rather he keep my keys, so that I don’t have the choice to take my will back, and act selfishly. He said, “well, I know, sex is all around us, all of the time.” You cannot escape societies, bent towards sexual gratification. If you don’t feed the wolf, it starves.

So which wolf are you going to feed ?

All I know right now, is this. I know my place, in the grand scheme of things. And I know what I have to do. I’ve been talking to friends in my social community. Each person I have spoken to recently, tell me the same observations they are realizing. We concur on several points.

My Best friend also asked me if I had an End Goal? I told him I did not. In my world, there is only progression and change, and that progression and change are not short term goals, because sobriety is not a short term goal, sobriety is for life.

Coming to grips with who I am, knowing that my spiritual director has told me, himself, that I am right where I need to be, and that I’ve made progress in my life, spiritually. I kind of know where God is, in all of this, and as long as I follow my spirit, then at some point, God will tell me what I need to know, and what I need to do next.

Intimate honesty is key. Having someone, you can be intimately honest with, can change lives.

May your name be Inscribed in the book.

G’Mar Chatima Tova …


The talk, recently, is about God.

I like to talk about God, because He is an integral part of my existence. God has been the thread that has woven into my life from the very beginning. And I can relate all those stories over and over. Just thinking about all the close passes of God, in my life, only reinforces the fact that, I am intimately connected to God.

For a long time, I was not sure I could live up to that standard, or if that kind of God conscious life, was even tenable. I was not sure, I could safely abide in God, in all things, or if I had to try and make it, out there, in the “real world.”

I am the kind of person, who would rather, cede control to someone or something, other than myself, because I know, deep down, left to my own devices, I really do not do very well, because of my monkey brain.

With Todd:read:God, I was able to turn it all over, all of it, and trust that He had my back, and I did not ever have to second guess him, “outwardly” that is. That took some time, but once I let go, all was well.

For a very long time, I did not trust myself to make right decisions. For a long time, I did not trust my own thoughts, or my own words. I always second guessed myself, when it came to what I know, and how I know it. And I sat on my hands.

Yes, I would talk, but it was always superficial talk.

If I needed to do something, learn something, or make a decision, for years, and years, I would always have a number of people, that I would run my choices by, people I trusted, whom I believed, would direct me to the right choices.

Once piece of advice I got was this:

At one point, I did not know where I was going. early on, after I moved here. One foot below the border and the other above it. I was unsure of my moves, early on.

The advice goes thus: If you don’t know where you are or where you are going, then st down, where you are. Take out your map, study the map, and study your surroundings. Get a lay of the land, and everything in it.

When you have done all that, being fully informed as you are able, make your next choice, roll up your map and start walking.

You can always sit down and consult your map.

The map usually has one point on it, with a red dot, that says: You are Right Here. The map does not extend very far into the future, for it only tells you where you are, and gives you a little headway, but not too much to overwhelm you.

It’s only been in recent months that I’ve begin to trust what I know and how I know it, based on the fact that there aren’t very many people, critiquing what I say in public. The chatter in my head is less than it used to be, but it is still there.

I talk about prayer this way.

If you sit, and you pray, are you moving your hands and arms outwards, away from you, or are you moving your hands and arms, towards you? Are you praying intentionally, or selfishly. Outwards:Intentional, Inwards:Selfishly.

When I talk about prayer, and I move my arms away from myself, I get a flutter in my chest, a feeling of right. That I offer my prayers in an outwards fashion. I don’t usually pray for myself specifically. But I, for the most part, converse with God.

Like I need to tell Him shit … That He already knows about.

But prayer is humility. It is a humbling to say to my God that I don’t know, and I would like to know, as I need to know it. I don’t have all the answers, but I know they will come, in due time.

To talk to God, like I would talk to Todd. I know how to do that.

I much more, trust the process, because I know, that I am in God Grace.

For a long time, I thought, that I would have to live in the world “out there.” And I did not like the world out there. I did not like it at all. As long as I was in Todd’s world I was fine.Inside a very finite circle of love and care. When Todd moved away, and I had to make it in the world “out there” my life became a disaster.

When I moved into the world here, in Montreal, I found another circle of care and love. I found good people, with good intentions, who did for me what I could not do for myself, until I learned how to do for myself.

I live inside that circle today.

I don’t have to go outside my circle for anything. For the last eighteen years, the circle has provided for me, in many ways.

God is in the center of that circle. I know that, intimately.

When we pray, we should always pray “Thy will be done. Or, If it is Thy will.”

What ever I ask for, I speak the words, If It Is They Will, and Not Mine.

Because I know how off my human will is. Left to my own will, my life becomes a disaster.

When I was safely inside God’s will, over the years, life got good. I see the differences in how my life went along, when I was running the show. it was not good at all.

Last night I wrote about the whispers, the two by four, and the brick wall.

God is pretty specific with me. He cuts me no slack, because He knows that if you give me an inch, I will take a mile. If I can get away with selfish, I will take it.

That has been the ongoing lesson lately. Selfishness.

God has been pruning my tree as of late. And He’s been pretty specific about it too. He isn’t joking around. This is big business. Getting rid of selfishness.

My Elder spiritual adviser tells me that I have been through the furnace. And I have reached the next frontier with God.He wrote the other day:

“I have read every word of what you wrote. And I am proud of you. Proud that you can speak these words to yourself. Proud that you have the courage to speak them to others. Proud that that you are here, proud that you have walked this road and made such astounding progress since the lowest of the low had you in its grasp.

You have arrived at the final frontier, the last great sacrifice that God demands of his sons when they truly seek him. That sacrifice is consecration, a complete turning of body, mind and spirit towards Gods purposes. Consecration, like sobriety, like conversion is not an event, but a process, and you are on the path. Consecration takes the mundane and makes it holy…

You have been where your children are. You have walked their path, you have carried their sorrows. Now you stand a few steps above them, you have matured, you have mastered, you have received a measure of light above them. Now turn, and stretch out the hand that was stretched out to you. Speak the words that your Father spoke to you, and the same words that one day your children will speak to their sons and daughters. 

Adopt them. Love them. Cherish them. Raise them to do good. Teach them that there is a God in heaven who loves them enough to save them. Be patient with their shortcomings. Catch them when they fall. Admonish them when they act against what they know.

Reach down and strengthen them when their knees are shaking and they are learning to walk. Be the father that you needed at their age in the process. One day they will write their stories, and when they write your name, a tear will come to their eyes, and a lump will come to their throats, as they write your name.


These are Godly words.

I need not say anything further. Except to say: Grateful.

Selfish Motives

There are times, when I think only about myself. There are times, when my heart is pounding out of my chest, and I know this feeling well, it is the feeling I get when I decide to act on selfish thoughts, and I act, entirely in self mode.

Several times, in the past few days, I’ve had that chest pounding feeling, that always precedes a selfish motive of selfish action.

Tonight, prior to the meeting starting, i was sitting in my chair, friends in the room were having conversations, that did not include me, because I was sitting across the room from them, and I sat there, and entertained the chatter in my head.

For about twenty minutes I sat there, uncomfortable, and in my head. That feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest was present. Like I said, I know this feeling. Whenever I sit and ponder selfish motives or selfish action, I feel it.

We were talking about feeling things, rather than thinking them, on the way home.

I made a decision. And now I have to live with that decision. I should know that if I made a decision, based on Godly counsel, that I really should stick to that plan. Because I also know what happens when I say to myself, I know better than God. It is then, when I become God, in my head, and in my motives.

And I know that I am Not God.

I am in Locktober. So even if I wanted to act selfishly, I cannot.

That does not assuage the feelings, I sometimes have, that my body says, fuck that noise, just take matters into your own hands, and Act, On, Self.

You know what happens when you take your will back right ?
We Do Stupid Things.

And I know, God is watching me. He knows, everything, even before I think it.

We spoke about God tonight. Bill, in As Bill Sees It, talks about God an awful lot.

And I told my friend, on the way home tonight, that we haven’t seen any really militant anti God folks come through the room as of late. They’ve all Come and Gone. None of them have returned.

And I spoke my story about God to the room.

I know my Higher Power, Whom I choose to call God.

I relate this story….

When God wants your attention, he whispers, once.
If you miss that first whisper, He whispers again.

If you miss the whisper for the second time,
He hits you over the head with a two by four.

If you miss the third hit, of that two by four,
He drops a brick wall on top of you.

The two whispers came, and I did nothing, to intimate that I heard them.

A few weeks ago, I was in bed, and the third hit came, a very vivid technicolor dream.
I knew this was the third pass. And I knew that if I did not heed the suggestion, that was Divine, that I would definitely pay the price.

I know what it feels like to have the brick wall fall on top of me.

It has happened in the past. And I have avoided that happening because I usually listen to Divine inspiration.

I remember sitting in Westmout Square sobbing as a huddled mess. I knew, very well, that on that night, God dropped the wall on me because I did not listen nor pay attention.

I know God well enough to know when He means business.

Because I have that kind of relationship with my God. He does not play games with me, because in the past, I played games with Him. He cuts me no slack.

If I want to fuck off on God, I know, I will definitely pay the price for that Fuck Off.

Sometimes I just want to act on selfish motives.

And I know I cannot. For a couple of damn good reasons.

God either IS or He ISN’T. God is either Everything or he is Nothing.

God Is, and God is Everything.

These things I know are True.

Spiritual Direction


I have read every word of what you wrote. And I am proud of you. Proud that you can speak these words to yourself. Proud that you have the courage to speak them to others. Proud that that you are here, proud that you have walked this road and made such astounding progress since the lowest of the low had you in its grasp.

You have arrived at the final frontier, the last great sacrifice that God demands of his sons when they truly seek him. That sacrifice is consecration, a complete turning of body, mind and spirit towards Gods purposes. Consecration, like sobriety, like conversion is not an event, but a process, and you are on the path. Consecration takes the mundane and makes it holy.

It takes that which is low, and base, even evil in us, and puts in its place new motivations that drive us to serve God and serve our fellow men, not because we want to receive in return, but because we are now designed to give. The will to bestow eclipses the will to receive, and we become like stars, always radiating, always bestowing, always shining a light that gives brightness where there is darkness and life where there was death. We begin to reflect God. This is the meaning of a saint.

A saint is a consecrated person. 

Saints are saints not because they are perfect, but because they are trying. The foundation of all spiritual progress, the source of all health, is the ability to bridle the passions and the impulses of our mortal nature. Importantly, bridling the passions is not the same thing as stamping them out. Absence of desire is not the goal. The goal is to elevate our mortal appetites to the fulfilling of immortal purposes.

Eating is a necessity, but eating without control makes us fat and dead. This is gluttony. Sleeping is essential, but sleeping without control makes us lazy, weak, and unaccomplished. This is sloth. Pleasure and comfort should be joys in life, but without control pleasure becomes addiction. This is pride.

Sex is the desire to seek unity with others and with the divine, the deeply ingrained impulse of creation. Without control, sex becomes a whirling tornado that does the exact opposite, wrecking relationships and making us anything but divine. This is lust.

When God begins to rewrite your story, these passions take on a new level. Again, they cannot and should not be stamped out, but they begin to march to the tune of a higher law. You learn to embrace hunger and control your appetite, withholding with the power of your will the ability to eat without real intent, and you begin to eat towards God.

You are the master, because you have utter and complete control over your appetite. Because you are comfortable spending time with hunger, when you eat your taste buds pick up every detail, and your food becomes delicious again. This is temperance. 
You go to bed early and you get up early.

You embrace the discomfort of having to leave a warm bed and face the difficulties of the day. You work hard and you labor until your days allotment of breath from God has been spent building up his kingdom in your life. Then, when your head hits the pillow at night, you are not being compelled by exhaustion, you are choosing with real intent to embrace sleep as a true pleasure. When your eyes close at night, you are filled with the satisfaction of knowing you have earned your rest. This is diligence. 

When you reject the opportunities to drink, to drug, to dull the senses with entertainment that can occupy but never satisfy, you learn to be. You learn to embrace what your life is presenting to you in that very moment. Perhaps it is the discomfort of boredom. Perhaps it is the pain of difficulties in life, in relationships. Perhaps it is the simple stress of daily living. But rather than cover them, you embrace this discomfort. You embody it, you live it, even love it.

You do this because when you have taken the time to truly experience discomfort, when you turn at the right time to a simple pleasure, as simple as a walk in the park or the sight of a sunset, you feel that moment with every fiber of your being, and you are truly satisfied. This is freedom. 

When you feel the urge to express sex, rather than crushing the urge by acting upon it or by trying to suppress it, you let it fill you up. You let that energy fill your whole soul, because that is the voice of God telling you to create, to connect, to help him bring to pass his purpose of filling and expanding creation. Sex is not a single part of the plan in Gods eyes, it is the very driving force.

The work and the glory of God is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. He does that by sending his children to earth, to fall completely ans sin darkly so that they might experience true and everlasting happiness and righteousness when they are brought back to him. His children get to earth through sex, but this isn’t just about reproduction.

Sex drives us to build nests to welcome new souls to this earth. It drives us to build up communities where the children of God can grow and be nourished. An exalted sex drive leads us to fatherhood, and fatherhood is more than having biological children. It means being a watchful guide, a disciplined leader, and a tender caretaker over those that God gives you to be your spiritual children. 

You channel that infinite power into creating, presiding, directing, providing, and being a wise and generous father. This is Chastity. 

You write about Todd with extreme reverence. He was God for you. Now you have matured to the level that he stood at when he reached out his hand and snatched you from the abyss. 

Of all the titles God has, and he has many, he has asked us to refer to him by a name that means more to him and should mean more to us than any other. He is our Father. 
Todd was God for you in that moment. God reached through his hands and spoke through his mouth to put you back on the path to happiness. Now it is time for you to let God do the same through you.

You have been where your children are. You have walked their path, you have carried their sorrows. Now you stand a few steps above them, you have matured, you have mastered, you have received a measure of light above them. Now turn, and stretch out the hand that was stretched out to you. Speak the words that your Father spoke to you, and the same words that one day your children will speak to their sons and daughters. 

Adopt them. Love them. Cherish them. Raise them to do good. Teach them that there is a God in heaven who loves them enough to save them. Be patient with their shortcomings. Catch them when they fall. Admonish them when they act against what they know.

Reach down and strengthen them when their knees are shaking and they are learning to walk. Be the father that you needed at their age in the process. One day they will write their stories, and when they write your name, a tear will come to their eyes, and a lump will come to their throats, as they write your name.


I love you.

Acceptance, A Bitter Pill to Swallow

What happens when you are forced to re-evaluate your life, and one realizes that the life you had been living is no more? And all those parts of life, that make you, who you are, no longer apply?

When I “Came Out,” I came out into a world that was segregated, to itself. There was a particular door, I needed to walk through, and there was only one location, where that door existed, according to the man who told me this piece of information.

For the whole of my life, I consumed every piece of reading material that I could find, in the home I lived in. Reading material that I found titillating and erotic. I knew, I was Gay, before I knew what Gay was, because the media I consumed, via radio and print, was specific.

I had an idea of the life I wanted, because it was fantastical. It was, a Fantasy.
A Fantasy that would never materialize. Never …

If you are gay, sex is part of who you are. it is what we do. It is how we express love and attraction. If you were gay, then you were sexual. That was a given. And in my twenties, I was pretty, desirable, sexual. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that there was only one way into the Gay Community.

That One Way, was through a bar. A location where like minds drank and socialized.

I was told, to go to a particular bar, Uncle Charlies. A bar I knew well, later on in my story. But I went to this bar, parked my car, and set my resolve that I was going to go inside and have a couple of drinks, because I was told, that IF I DRANK, fireworks would happen.

For a decade I did that. I would go to a bar, and I would drink, and eventually, fireworks would happen. I knew, that if I showed up, people would notice me, and notice me they did.

I made numerous mistakes. I met all the wrong people. And I did stupid things, when I drank. I was a tornado in the lives of people. I became a selfish liar.

Now I know, I was sold a delusional bill of goods. Being gay, for me, was a selfish lifestyle. But it was all that I knew. because for the time being it worked for me, until it stopped working.

I never knew where I was going to end up, once I started drinking. What house I would end up in, or in who’s bed. That drinking charade lasted, until one morning at 7 a.m. I was sitting in a bar in Fort Lauderdale, and I entered into an agreement, an alcoholic agreement.

That one sexual event, was the event that changed my life. I took me a very long time, to realize that on that morning, the Proverbial Bullet was shot. And evidently, I was the target, I did not know I was the target, but in the end, it was Me who Lost.

Meanwhile, James was on his way out of this life. I had separated and began to figure out what I was going to do after falling for a serial liar and cheater. He would eventually commit suicide. I would find him five days too late.

Up till now, the fantasy life I had imagined, had yet to materialize.

One night, I decided to go to the Old Stud. A kid in jeans and t-shirt, walking into a rough and tumble leather bar. I knew, it was trouble I was looking for. I went there on purpose.

That was the night that Todd stepped out of heaven and wrecked my world.

He knew, why I was standing in his bar, with a drink in my hand. His first impression took me by surprise, but it was love at first strike.

And you know, that fantasy life I so wanted, died that night.

Todd saw fit to never allow me to entertain my darkest fantasies. Ever. He knew the trouble I sought, and in ensuing years, after I got sick, and sex all but dried up forever, he knew the trouble makers out there, and he knew that if I went there, there would be even more trouble for me. Trouble that I would never survive.

And survival was the thrust of our relationship, Todd and I. He worked very hard at making sure I lived, when everybody else died, slowly, miserably and addicted.

I got sober. Because I was dying of AIDS.

I turned my will and my life over to the care of Todd:read:God, on a nightly basis. I learned Step Three on a nightly basis. Getting sober, came in a distant second to surviving AIDS in the 1990’s.

I did stay sober. I never had sex again. I did try, but men are evil. That was a bitter lesson.

How was I going to survive as a gay man, and never have sex again? I had no idea, but as long as I had something to do, to stay out of my head, and work, I did not have time to think about sex.

When Todd moved away, and I relocated to Miami for a doctor, AA, did not welcome me. It was just the opposite. AA told me to go away and never return.

That was sick, evil, and could have killed me in the end.

When they told me to go away, my ego and my selfish pursuits rose in my throat. It consumed me, and the next decision I made, SOBER, was to pursue sex.

I pulled a geographic in sobriety. 1000 miles away. For SEX. Point. Stop.

I did not find it. However I found more addiction, drugs, and alcohol. I did not only drink, I used drugs. Until I hit the moment that the cops showed up and took me away, and sent me to a rehab house in another state to dry out and sober up.

I was there for a month.

The life I lived in the past, the life I knew, was used against me, and I almost lost my life, in the selfish pursuit I was on. You cannot have sex, with an individual who is addicted and mentally unstable. You don’t know what you don’t know, and I did not know the state of the man I was after, before I got there. it was plainly, a total surprise.

A month later, I returned to Miami. On a bus, across the United States.

I was still drinking, thankfully, I never touched another drug.

9-11 happened. And that stopped the taps for a couple of weeks.

But once we started drinking again, it only got worse. I knew I could not drink every day, so I chose to binge on Saturday nights.

At age 34 … I had pissed away four years of sobriety and was on the end of my eighteen month slip.

I would go to Salvation, a nightclub in a big hall, with big sound, and Pretty Men.

I knew the drill. Arrive at 11 p.m. wait till midnight, when the main hall opened, start drinking. At 1 a.m. the bells would ring, and the liquid nitrogen was dropped on the club, wherein men of all stripes would strip their shirts and get down to business.

I figured that if I drank, someone would notice, and sex would happen.

I did drink, until I fell down.
Somebody noticed; and got me from the club into my bed, across several weeks,
Sex never happened.

I prayed to God for the Solution. The solution came.

Troy took me to my next First Meeting, at SOBE. December 2001.

I got sober, and have been sober ever since.almost eighteen years in December.

11 months into Sobriety, I met my now husband. In short order, we dated for a month, I moved into this apartment over Christmas 2002, and I never left.

I became a Canadian Citizen on February 13th, 2003.

For a short while, before mental illness took the man I met away from me, we had sex a handful of times. As of that date, we’ve never had sex, ever again. Bi-polar medication does things to ones brain, when medicine is pounded for a year, without fail, until the correct mixture was found.

What was a sex life, became non-existent. We don’t talk about it, and we don’t have sex, it is not at the top of either of our personal lists.

Cue to April 1st, 2019.

I have the third prophetic dream and in that dream, Chastity becomes a solution. I knew, that if I did not act on this dream, I would be making a mistake. Ignoring God a third time, would end up, a wall falling down on top of me, because I ignored Him three times.

I was not going to ignore Him a third time.

It took me six months of selfish wrangling about my sex life, to finally turn it all over, and accept that I am not a sexual being any longer. I am not having sex, with anyone, because I’d never cheat on my husband. So masturbation was the constant.

A constant that had to come to an end. And I had to be ok with that.

Like I said, it took me six months to ACCEPT this little truth about myself. But Accept I did, without reservation. I turned this last portion of an old selfish idea of myself over to God, as I understand Him.

Acceptance keeps coming up in meetings, and several times over the past few months, I’ve had to eat this word, bitterly. Acceptance IS a Bitter Pill to swallow, when one realizes that the person you thought you were, when this journey began in my twenties, no longer exists. This is who I am today.

I want to rid myself of character defects and shortcomings.

Being Selfish is an old idea I really need to shed, today, and not tomorrow.

I need to believe that God has my back. No matter how hard I trust God, I still second guess Him, to my own peril.

Let’s just say that I am openly admitting my selfishness, and how ugly it is, and that I cannot abide in God and retain selfish motives or needs.

Giving up of myself totally and without reservation has to be the final Godly order.

I know what is right. I just need to believe that I can do the right thing, even if I do not want to do the right thing, because the right thing, takes away the final part of what makes me a gay man, and what will I be when I take away everything that made me who I was when I came out of the closet all those years ago ?

I have no idea. But I am on the way to finding out.

My best friend and I are participating in Locktober.

Change is coming. As long as we can see the truth.