Sunday Sundries … Thoughts, Amends, and Everything Else

tumblr_lm5d60Hzy01qzhzruo1_500 flickr jamesclearCourtesy: Flickr James Clear

It is frigidly cold. So cold that we thought we might get frostbite walking to and from the church.

We are sitting at that frigid (-21c/-32c w.c.) at this hour. The wind does not make it any better.

Yesterday we celebrated love by sharing a great dinner and exchanged cards. I noticed in my travels that the pharmacy has cleaned out all the Valentines stuff, off the shelves and there are boxes of stock ready to be unpacked, for what I imagine is St. Patty’s Day in March.

I departed on time and boy was it cold. I got to the church and one of my friends was already there so we cranked it out and waited for our folks to come, those who are reading with us before the meeting.

On this frigid night, a handful of folks came out. We read from the Twelve and Twelve and Step 9.

“Made direct amends to such people where ever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Every time I read this step, I get more insight to the process. I this this list is useful:

  • There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety.
  • There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good.
  • There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred,
  • And still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

I’ve made this pass before. And to this day, it is all about me. Still …

The people I owe amends to, don’t have a clue as to who I am today. When people turn away from you because of who you are, it makes it kind of difficult to deal with. When children are created, simply to be sibling rivals, that is a problem. When the first child is branded a mistake, and the second child, the make up child, what does that say about the parents?

I don’t know my brother. The last time I laid eyes on him was more than twenty years ago. The last time I laid eyes on my parents it was 2001, for only twenty minutes, then they were gone.

It is 2015. I don’t think I owe amends to people who don’t even know I exist, or that they choose not to acknowledge my existence. Because if i am real about this, I only want two things. One, I want my dignity back, and Two, I want to be acknowledged as a living, feeling, human being.

So we are back to all about me.

One of my friends, tonight said, that We are supposed to be agents of healing, not for us, but for them. How can you heal a hardened heart? What would that look like? You can’t change someone who is homophobic, hateful, ignorant, and bigoted. This is truth, I am not making this up.

Sometimes, it is better to just walk away, and let people be. And this has been a long and coming road in sobriety. With the dawn of Facebook, knowing where someone is, and also knowing they know that you are on here as well, makes it just as difficult. I’ve made my introductions and to this day, there has not been one word coming in my direction. So fuck me …

Like I’ve said before, the only thing I can do for me today is live my amends by staying sober, and growing up. And I am a work in process. The day you finish learning is the day one dies.

And I am sure as shit not there yet.

Another week begins. More will follow.

Stay tuned …