The fallout from my weekend of hell continues. In the end, it all comes down to this: Some seem to think that they can blame me for all of their problems, that the way I treated some from birth throughout my life, is credible. NOT !!
When I left home, I was liberated from the tyranny of my father. But I would not fully understand what that meant until I moved to Canada. So the best thing I did in my life was to One, leave home, and Two, to finally make my way here.
We all played a role in each other’s lives. And people need to take responsibility for their actions and decisions. You can’t put all the blame on one persons shoulders.
Not mine … for that matter.
Nuff said …
The weather is looking up. It was supposed to get down and dirty snowing and shit from the next few days, we had some flurries earlier today, then skies cleared.
I had coffee with a friend earlier, then did my grocery shopping, came home and did a quick turnaround, then back out for the Thursday meeting.
I had been absent from the meeting for a few weeks, due to other activities, so it was good to reconnect.
In sobriety, there are always … YET’s to be experienced.
If we take sobriety for granted, or we disconnect along the way, and we start keeping secrets and telling lies … YET’S are definitely coming …
Our speaker was a woman I know from the rooms. Most stories follow the same trajectory. We can all identify with the insanity, the suffering, and the final crash and burn.
But when sobriety turns into isolation, lies and secrets, the chances of surviving these critical factors, is very slim. Tonight, we heard another tale of secrets and lies and what happens when we enter our heads alone and decide to listen …
I know this from personal experience, what secrets do to someone who is sober. We think nobody will find out, or that nobody will notice. Or for that matter, say anything about them.
When I was first sober, I was emotionally unstable. And while I was with my friends, I devised a secret geographic, and did not tell anyone.
Cue Crash and Burn SLIP into Hell…
Lies are so much more destructive. Because when we tell one lie, others are waiting in the wings to be told as well. And then we have to add lies, to justify the first ones, and then the lies turn into what we call the “Avalanche into Insanity.”
How do you recover from the secrets we tell ourselves and to others? How do we recover from the lies we sometimes tell ourselves, then to others?
We don’t …
We go back out and begin self destructive behavior that if not stopped soon, ends up in some serious scrapes and quite possibly … death.
At some point, we find our way back. And we have to face those people we isolated from, the ones we kept secrets from and the ones we told lies to. And in How it Works, we hear the words, “Rigorous Honesty.”
And how many of us are truly ready to get honest and face the wreckage, and do something about it? Only the most bravest in the land, or those who have no where else to go but up.
Nowhere in the world can you go, and have people understand what it is like to fall into traps like secrets and lies. Because we have all done it. Nobody is immune to these pitfalls. And we have all learned from our past mistakes.
Well, at least some of us have.
The second and third times around are so much harder than the first.
I had crucial problems when I got sober the first time. I heard sober men and women ask me to leave because of homophobia and AIDSaphobia. I did not trust the people in my sober circle, because of this problem. I was physically present in meetings, but I had checked out mentally and emotionally.
BIG mistake …
I was in fact, brutally honest about myself the first time around, because I had to be, because it was a life and death proposition for me.
Sometimes honesty doesn’t pay.
The second time around I had to face my demons and return to rooms where I knew everybody in the room, at one point, after I came back. I spent months decompressing, and dealing with shame, guilt and fear.
I stuck around and listned to some good people. And I worked for a long time to fight back into sanity and serenity. Coming to Canada, was the BEST decision that I ever made in my life.
There was only one thing I wanted, to be able to survive, and thrive.
It has been a very long road into rigorous honesty. It did not come overnight. And I would say that when I hit my twelfth sober year, I had come to the point where, I wanted something more, and I learned what it would take to make that happen.
We cranked up the heat. And things changed.
Life, my life, is not easy. There is serious baggage in my past. Family situations that are 100% dysfunctional. But with the rooms, and the people in those rooms, there is nothing I cannot do. I am never alone. I am honest with my friends. I try, not to keep secrets, unless it is vitally necessary. However, my friends encourage me to do the right theng in those cases. And I listen to them.
We were warned again tonight, just how fast, the avalanche of insanity can take us down, and out the door.
- Unhealthy people in our lives
That last item is crucially important. The people in our lives will either enhance our lives or they contribute to the insanity in our lives. We heard tonight that “changing people” is crucial to successful sobriety.
The better people we have in our lives, the better our lives will be.
In sobriety, some have learned how to build bridges back into life, and to people in our lives, that might not necessarily be in the rooms, but are good for us.
I have two circles of friends. My roomies and my normies …
All of my friends, one way or another, enhance my life. I surround myself with great friends, and great people. And as long as I am honest and true to myself, in all things (that, sometimes is difficult) There is no place to go but up.
“On Fire” Sobriety can happen. Sobriety is only as good as the work and time you put into it. Some are happy with doing minimum effort, and they get what they get.
Then there are those who have cranked up the sober heat, and sobriety gets exceptional. It doesn’t get any better than this.
I am really grateful for the people in my life. There is never a dull moment in life, either good or bad. I am still learning but for the most part, life is good.
I just happen to hit a rough patch that was necessary to understand and learn just how important my sober decisions were, in making me the man I am today.
I fucking survived …
More to come, stay tuned …