Today is Mother’s Day. And I have all kinds of feelings about it. I said such things on my Facebook, and my friends all think that I should be better than I am on this. “Oh, you should forgive and forget, or How Un-Christian of you to say such things about your mother!”
Yeah, I have feelings. And some of them are a lot stronger than others. Every year I get older, and remain in the “punishment room” for my behavior and choices, when how others treated me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
Parent’s aren’t supposed to turn on their children and leave them to die by the roadside, alone and hurting. Parent’s aren’t supposed to blame all of their problems on their kids. And the last time I spoke to that bitter old woman, she indeed said that I was a mistake and that I was the cause of all her problems from my birth to the day I left home, was all about her, and not about me.
So that bitter old woman can stew in her own juices and rot in hell as far as I am concerned. She will never grow up and take responsibility for her choices, and to recognize who I am, a man with a life and love and success.
She is just One Bitter Bitch.
Never in the last twenty years, have any of them, my mother, my father, nor my brother or his wife ever called me to say … Hey, How are you ? Would you like to talk sometime ?
And that is all my fault?
Fuck you all to Hell.
It was a miserable and dreary day today, and the temperature fell drastically, because I had to layer and wear my winter jacket, and I was still cold. UGH !!
The Book, as we read tonight says:
A.A. is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot, outgrow this plan. As arrested alcoholics, we must have a program for living that allows for limitless expansion.
Keeping one foot in front of the other is essential for maintaining our arrestment…
A complete change takes place in our approach to life. Where we used to run from responsibility, we find ourselves accepting it with gratitude that we can successfully shoulder it. Instead of wanting to escape some perplexing problem, we experience the thrill of challenge in the opportunity that affords for another application of A.A. techniques, and we find ourselves tackling it with surprised vigor…
Now there is a sense of belonging, of being wanted and needed and loved. In return for a bottle and a hangover, we have been given the Keys of the Kingdom.
A.A. pgs. 275-276
I know I still have a long way to go. They did warn me that once I put the alcohol and the drugs down, I would feel. And the older I get, I feel more and more, what a waste of space certain people are in my life. Well, those people are not IN my life perse, but the stupid and ignorant reasons they are absent are just painful in my soul.
It is a sickness.
I long for the day I get my day in court. To say all those things I want to say to finally be able to say FUCK you all to HELL you motherfuckers. Not very sober, but cathartic nonetheless.
Little did I know fifteen years ago, where I would end up, as long as I stuck with the plan and with the right people.
I am grateful.
And I am bitterly angry at the same time.
God in His wisdom, knows what He is doing. I don’t.
I don’t have to drink or drug over it. That is the main idea of recovery.