We thought it was Spring. Obviously Mother Nature is Bi-Polar. It is COLD. Like (5c) cold, with the possibility of wet flurries tonight. By Friday it will be a Plus ( 24c).
After last night’s conversation with the man who turned me onto that book, I called another friend this evening before the meeting. She and I have been friends for a number of years, so she knows me and the story and where I have been, and where I am today.
And I really needed today’s conversation.
The work of life is always moving. And I heard a woman share, in the meeting, that, when we come in, we get to start again. We get rid of what ails us, and we begin cleaning up our lives, and learning about ourselves and how to live life, soberly.
She went on to say that, people in the world outside, might grow up and be ok, and then there are those who are not so ok. And they begin to seek help, to figure it all out, most, start the process, but many do not follow through to conclusion, for one reason or another. They just get stuck, fear sets in, or reality is just too much to bear.
So they quit.
Then there are those, out there, who begin sorting out their lives, and they take on the full task of self improvement. And we go to therapy, we go to groups, we get into recovery, or we find like minded people, on the same journey we are on, to help us along our journey.
I did not know anything at 21.
I did not know much more at 31.
I got sober this time at age 34.
When I turned 40, things began to change for me. Wisdom began to settle in.
I am told that from 50 to 54, is a big shit show.
I’d rather skip the shit show myself.
Thank you very much …
My lady friend I spoke to today has her life and all the work she put into it. And I listened to her talk and told me what was going on. And I needed to hear every word. Because now I am where I am at.
And we have put in a God Damned Lot of Work between us.
The only person I am responsible for is ME. I don’t have to carry anyone else.
In my Norman Rockwell world, I imagine, or better yet, fantasize, that one day folks in my family will grow up and see the wisdom of re connection.
I am closer to fifty than my brother. He is three years behind me.
He is stuck where he is stuck, with his perception of life as it happened for him, and he blames me for all of his problems, like my parents.
My fear is, that one day, my parents are going to die. And when they die, whatever beliefs and expectations and control they have over him, will die with them.
But he will be left with the What The Fuck, do I do now, “that they are gone.”
He may hang on to the gospel preached by my father forever, if he does not, then he may seek me out. (that is a hope) not an expectation.
Then again, he may never want to connect.
But I wonder if he ever thinks about me, and because of the shadow my parents cast over him, deny him the right to seek, rather to continue punishing me.
I did him wrong. When I left home, I left him there. Then again, No One wanted to know me or where I was going or how I was going to survive. And that is the way it has been for the whole of my life.
I begged them to connect when I got sick, and they all said no.
I heard my friend say to me today that I was no longer responsible for him or my parents. I can’t carry this any longer. It isn’t my fault, what happened. I was the one who left, and he was the one who stayed?
Who was the winner, and Who was the looser ?
Should I have taken my brother with me, should I have protected him from the abuse that was heaped on me and my mother? What should I have done ? At that time, the only person I was thinking about was me.
Because nobody else was thinking or caring about me in any capacity.
I no longer need toxic people in my life. And I cannot have people, who use me or abuse me in any way, in my life, Period !!!
My story is my story. The longer I am sober, and the more opportunity to grow up I get these days, is BONUS. Because I live on borrowed time, and I know that.
I should not be here. Yet, God keeps me here, for what ?
Obviously, He thinks I need to get somewhere better.
So while the getting is good, I am doing whatever it is I need to do to grow up.
I help my friends. I’ve been there for many of them for a long time. The relationships I created here, with people far and wide, is a blessing.
So today a very good friend talked to me about life. And that conversation, I needed to have, soothed my soul. I’ve covered a lot of ground over the years.
And I need to acknowledge that. And be proud of that. And to know tonight, that I am just fine. I also have feelings. Some of them stronger than others.
That Flash Fire Anger, doesn’t haunt me, but comes and goes. It does not rule my life, or changes who I am to those I participate in life with.
In sobriety, I get to choose what I want to do. And if I work my steps, and study the book, and go to meetings, do service, and help others, then I have a recipe for success.
The dividends you get from the program are directly proportionate to the investment you put into the program.
Do you want to just warm a chair, believing that osmosis works ?
Do you want to just skim the surface, with little effort, and see what happens ?
Or do you really want SOBRIETY, with all the trimmings ?
If you want Red Hot Sobriety, then you must invest Red Hot Time.
There are only a handful of people I trust implicitly.
You All Know Who You Are.
Family is not my problem any more. I have to let them go. They will either “come to” and maybe they won’t. it’s not up to me to get them there. Because right now nobody is listening or wants to listen. So Fuck Me.
Every day I stay alive, clean and sober, I learn something.
Life is not a waste of time. The purpose of this life, is to learn how to live, to learn how to love, to learn WHO is worthy of Love, and WHO is NOT. We might have to let people go, and that might be painful. But in the end, who we become, is directly proportionate to those who we surround ourselves with.
Thank You Boo, for being You. I Love You.