We begin a new week, with the realization that shit happens, people die, and that what we are left with is the question, WHY?
Making sense of senseless killings will go on, because last week, wasn’t the first, and most certainly, won’t be the last. How do we protect our children, when those with the power to do something concrete, stand on their ground and say,
“we don’t really give a shit, because big money pays our salaries, and if we make change, that would put our jobs in jeopardy, and we can’t have that happen.”
Life is full of paradoxes. There is always a right answer for most of them. But how do you do the right thing, when you feel, on the inside, that doing the right thing, is not going to kill the ache in your soul, but in order to move forwards, you must do the right thing.
Push Me – Pull Me
My friends, (you all know who you are) have been on top of me the past week, and it seems for some time. Some of my friends here, are paying more attention to me, than I am paying attention to me.
I listened to all of the people I trust. And I heard all of their points of view, and took into consideration, everything that they said to me.
Tonight, I resigned my position as treasurer of the Tuesday meeting. I turned over the kitty to a friend, who also now has my set of keys to the church. I will not be returning to the scene of the crime. I’ve fired my sponsor, and have decided to take a while and just be with my friends.
Before this sponsor cycle began a couple of years ago, when I was between them, I hung close to the men I trust in my circle. I had changed up my meetings so that I could be with them and they carried me for a number of months when I needed it the most.
Last week, one of those men, handed me a set of keys for the Friday Night North End meeting. I took them, but had no idea why, I inherited them to begin with. On Friday, last, I asked him why he gave me the keys and his answer was simple, he said:
“You need the service.”
This week begins with a dropped meeting, and an open night, and responsibility for opening and closing the Friday meeting, which was the only night, during my week, that I did not have to do anything resembling responsibility.
Things change …
This week also marks the beginning of the exodus of people out of Montreal. Some of my guys are working at camps in Ontario for the summer, Rafa, is leaving me again, moving to Ottawa with his girlfriend. She was accepted to University in Ottawa. Friday is his last Friday meeting, which also closes our chapter of Friday coffee conversations.
My best friend, is also the one who comes and goes from my life, often. At least they aren’t going very far, Ottawa is only a 2 hour bus ride from Montreal. And they are moving into an apartment that has a guest room. I will be commuting between Montreal and the Capitol now to see him.
Our M.A. family, is shrinking in number as well, because of all the folks leaving for the summer and moving away permanently, which leaves just a few of us to open/host/and close the three M.A. meetings here in Montreal. Summers are very sparse when it comes to regular members and visitors from out of town.
On the other hand, Festival Season is in full swing. And if past years are a guide, the Sunday meeting will pick up over the next two months. The timing on the Sunday meeting is popular among entertainers and guests from out of town.
Everybody has something to do at the moment, which keeps us all out of trouble.
If you need to get out of self, the best solution for that, is to do for others.
They never said, Sobriety was going to be easy. Last week, was the worst week of my life, since I got sober this time around. Now I know, for certain, who my real friends are, and who cares and who does not.
I walked through my feelings, and let them come, as they came. I did not stuff them nor ignore them. I did not sink into self pity, but I tapped my extensive network of friends, spiritual men and women, and I talked it out until I could not talk any more.
I am staying away from Old Timers.
Change is the only constant in our lives. Our job, is to learn how to navigate those changes with grace, strength and serenity.
People come and go from our lives, for various reasons, and I must be grateful for the time I had with them, while they were here.
But you are not going very far.
Love the people in your life, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Pray for those left behind, they need it more than I do. And never forget them.