In five days time, One of my best friends, will give me my fifteen year chip. And many of my best friends will also be in attendance. People have been calling to confirm they will be there. They did not have to do that, but my friends are special people.
I’ve been in my head all weekend, thinking about everything that has happened over the past seven months in my sobriety. A long time ago, a sponsor of mine gave me some sound advice …
People might have time (read: Years) but they are not necessarily sober …
Sadly, he fell victim to his own wisdom. We are still friends to this day.
It has come to pass, that men and women who have been sponsors have failed in many respects. They all have had YEARS, but in the end they lacked empathy, kindness, understanding and compassion.
People do not listen to you and invest in your life, BUT then when it is expedient for them, they toss your hardest hurts in your face and stab you in the heart with them.
That is reprehensible.
Over the last fifteen years, I have done, everything that I had been told to do, when I first got sober fifteen years ago.
- Get a Home Group – check …
- Make Coffee – check …
- Set up chairs and tables – check …
- Never miss your home group unless you are sick or dead – check …
- Never put anything before your sobriety, or it will fail – check …
Fifteen years ago, they told me these things. And I accepted them as gospel. And I built for myself a framework of meetings and service. And I stuck to that schedule for all these years later. The SAME schedule. For fifteen years …
For the last three years, I was involved in two fellowships, which led me to doing six meetings a week. I had keys to multiple churches and buildings and I served my friends and fellows, because for a long time it was only me and a couple of others to do all the work.
In September I backed away from that other fellowship, because my friends failed to learn simple lessons I tried to teach them. KINDNESS…
I had hoped that in serving others, I would impart a simple lesson of
“giving back and reciprocation.”
For all these years, I have asked simple things of my friends and people I attempt to invest in. Like phone calls to their friends, and if I invest in someone, I ask the same in return, that they invest in me.
I know, in past decades, how heavy a house phone was. And lifting that 200 pound phone was always problematic. But today, we have cell phones and smart phones that weigh next to nothing, and to this day, it still exists, that people CANNOT BE BOTHERED to use them.
I mean why do you have a cell phone ???
- Snap chat
- Instagram !!!
I am truly saddened and disappointed in so many people, that those thoughts have consumed my brain for the last few days. Old timers that were shit heads and assholes, and young people who cannot be bothered to step up and be accountable.
As long I was there, it was assumed that I would always be there, so they did not have to show up or do anything in return, because I was doing ALL the WORK.
I have also learned that I cannot hold my friend and fellows to any standards.
They cannot rise to any challenge I have given them. Sadly, that was our failure to communicate.
We cannot and should not expect anything from the alcoholic or addict. Because they are selfish, self centered and ignorant of anyone else but themselves.
Like we do not get that, after all these years ? Like We cannot see that and we know ?
Many times over the past year, I have had addicts and alcoholics tell me to go fuck myself when I have asked them to do simple things, like think of others, think of me and to do simple things, like show up, be accountable, and call …
Those simple things are so heavy that they cannot lift them.
Because time and time again, they fail at the simplest things.
When working with others came into my life I attacked it with vigor. And I did the best I could do, with what I had. And for a while that worked. And people had a specific visual of who I was based on what they saw and heard.
That all changed on one specific day when I got angry at the group for failing to do what was asked of them. And in that moment their delusions were smashed and all those young men I worked with, all walked away, because one day, I got angry.
People in the fellowship fail to learn the lessons of Giving Back. The lesson that is in the simple Things, given freely, without expectation, is they key to fellowship and community.
I don’t know what I could have done differently to affect change in any way better.
One of my friends, said last week that when someone tells him something or asks him to do something it is his right to question they WHY and in most cases he ignores that piece of advice, because most young people are only concerned with what is in it for them and what they can get out of any interaction.
It is all about THEM.
I’m tired of giving and giving and giving and not one person coming back and reciprocating or saying thank you or stepping up and being accountable.
Another Christmas is going to come, and the Christmas morning that I feel I deserve at age 49 will never come. I have been waiting for this particular Christmas Day to come for more than 30 years. And I will not get it this year …
Or any other year, and this I will take to my grave…
I testify that the Big Book is true. And what it says is true as well.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, andwhat we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But wecould not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Everybody, it seems, wants the easier softer way, because they cannot do for others or be kind to others, or to reciprocate.
This is NOT our failure, it is theirs …
This is what I have learned at year fifteen.