This morning, first thing, before I did anything else, I called my sponsor.
He picked up the phone.
I went about my day, with a clearer head, and a lot more calmer than I was before I went to bed last night.
I took the Metro to the meeting, and cranked out set up until a fellow showed up to help me finish. And one by one, I spoke to other men, who are much longer sober than I am, who were sitting in the room last night, while I spoke.
I am told, by one, that if there is someone in the room, who I don’t like, or who does not like me, for one reason or another, THAT is the person I need to speak to, from the chair.
And really, when are things, at any time, all about me ? But my perceptions…
I know, some, have problems with me, because I am prosperous, doing well, have good friends, and am somewhat sober.
In most cases, it is NOT all about me.
My friends tell me that I carried the message. And that my friends sitting in the room, only wanted to help me along. That’s good.
Another friend, I had dinner with prior to the meeting, tells me that at this stage in my sober life, I should be at the jumping off point, where I have not had a drink in a long time, I’ve done The Work, I am living life, well, it is time to seek spirituality a little harder.
Wednesday afternoon, my sponsor said to me that, he sees that I like regimen and structure, and order. Not in a “controlling” fashion, just orderly. He tells me that I need to let loose my fist, being clenched so hard, trying to maintain order and control, and open my hand and Let Go and Let God.
I need to practice, a little harder and trusting God.
I’m not quite there yet, even now.
And tonight, I said to the room …
My head is not someplace I should go alone. That my thoughts are dangerous, and I was reminded that, if I think I know something, and plan on talking about that, really, I should just keep my mouth shut.
When I got sober the first time, and Todd was guiding my little ship of horror, I would go to work, leave my problems outside the door, and I allowed Todd to do the thinking for me, because that is what was needed, Todd knew that if I fixated in my brain, the thought of dying, that I WOULD DIE.
And He found the way to keep me out of my head, while I was in the building. It took years upon years of hard work, to be able to do that OUTSIDE the building.
When Alcoholics told me to “go and not come back,” what was left, but the thoughts in my head. Once that happened, the disease of alcoholism, that sick little voice in my head, began working its magic, which lead to my slip.
Because I was thinking, and not thinking very well, left to my own devices.
And over the past months, as feelings and emotions came on, hard and strong, the rat in my head had become overpowering, and what happened ?
I began to mentally DRINK.
In the beginning, there is an idea. Then the thought follows. If not controlled, that thought becomes an action, which leads to a drink.
I didn’t physically pick up a drink, I just went there MENTALLY.
I planned my share last night, down the the finest detail. I THOUGHT I had something particular to say. I ran those thoughts past my sponsor, and got approval.
I sat up there last night, knowing that a major pain in my ass was sitting in the crowd, and I allowed that individual to crank me up, which sent me off script and into my head.
I got home and I was IN my head all night long.
And now I know what that feeling was, it was a Mental Drink.
At fifteen and a half years sober, I still don’t have it, that something I thought I had, looking back at all my friends, knowing where they are. I am not like many of my friends, I’ve said before, who are emotionally and mentally cracked, in double digits.
I am my own worst critic.
I know, right now, that I probably will not get up and talk in front of a room of drunks again, any time in the near future.
I had a message I wanted to speak. I wrote it down. Prepared myself to speak my truth. I can do that in meetings, talk with clarity and faith and meaning. And when I talk, inside a meeting, I am good, for the most part.
I don’t speak, often… I’ve not spoken in front of a group in over six years. So it isn’t second nature. I might hear myself talk inside a meeting, speaking to a Speaker crowd is much different than sharing in a meeting.
And I don’t have it.
Whatever, I think I should have. Clearly, it was not my night, and I wasn’t spiritually full, and I was easily swayed into homicidal thoughts because of a single man sitting in the crown, who slept through my share … Whom I loathe with all my soul.
My sponsor repeats the thought that:
Your Sobriety and Serenity are the only things that matter now. And anything you allow in, that affects either your Sobriety or Serenity is dangerous. Because if you are not vigilant, and you allow (people,places or things) to sway you …
That is going to lead you back to a drink.
And now I know that I’ve been mentally entertaining a fucking DRINK…
Whatever I think I have, I don’t. No matter how hard I fought to get to this point, I thought I had it, until I got up in front of a room, and opened my mouth.
FUCK ME !
It matters when you get up in front of a room, to have IT.
I did not have IT, at all …
Thank God I am not perfect, nor God. I am not a saint by any stretch of the imagination.
The Books reads … We are Not Saints. Progress not Perfection. Willing to go to any lengths. Then you are ready to take certain steps.
A. That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
B. The probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism.
C. That God could and would if He were sought.