My best friend said WRITE. So I am writing.
When we all came to Face Book, it was a necessary tool, for us to gather, catch up, and care for Moose. But it became a double edged sword. For all the good Face Book is, it is also one of the most painful, evil places for me to be.
I learned early on that not all family, will ever be family. And I learned in Real Time, what it meant to be eternally blocked from contact from my blood relatives, namely my parents and my brother. That was the bitterest of pills to swallow, knowing they were here, but didn’t want ANY contact with me. And I had to deal with this awful truth in Real Time.
I knew when I moved to Montreal in 2002, that I had committed the second gravest sin to my parents. I left the United States and emigrated to Canada. Not long after that move I spoke to my mother who said to me and I quote:
“IF EITHER MYSELF OR YOUR FATHER GET SICK OR DIE, NOBODY WILL CALL AND TELL YOU.” She also added from her litany of vitriol, “YOU WERE A MISTAKE AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN.”
That threat had been laid on the table and it was the truth. I knew that possibility may happen, and I had no idea when it would happen. but I waited it out. Sixteen years and a month passed, and Sunday it came to happen.
I love the family that are here. And I know this medium is a useful tool. And that is how we use it mostly. But I have to say that, upon final thoughts, I would rather have had someone call me on the phone, in person, in their voice, tell me “Jeremy your father is dead.” rather than leave me a message in a box for me to find, when I signed into Face Book.
There are only two truths. Death and Taxes.
My mother’s curse came to pass. She is on her final go at whatever semblance of life she has left in her, in my brothers home. And she probably told my brother NOT to Call Me. And he listened to her, instead of thinking for himself and making the call he needed to make as a man and my brother. That is his failing. I called the number I have for him twice now. The rest is up to God now. My phone will ring, or my phone won’t ring. I don’t chase people, ever.
No More Bad news in a box… EVER !!!
When the final nail goes into the coffin and my mother finally dies, all bets are off. If nobody calls, and she goes to her grave without a word, my world will be crushed.
She is free now of that monster she called her husband. and MANY years ago, when Todd moved to California he asked me to follow, and I told him no, that I had to stay behind hoping against all hope that the monster would have died a long time ago, and i would reclaim my mother and go to her and care for her for the rest of my life. Obviously, God had other plans for me.
She is finally free, but she is old, bitter and angry.
Is she angry I left her and my brother to fend for themselves? That I left home never to return. Are they angry I made an executive decision on my own behalf to change my name and move North? Were taking back my life and making a life preservation decision, not mine to make ? Should I have caved and kept a name from a family that all wanted me dead?
And I wonder why, in twenty years, my brother never came looking for me. Never called to see if was still alive, never cared to let go his childish resentments and become a brother and a man in my life ?
Nobody called. And my mother is next. If she goes and nobody calls me, like I said, All Bets Are Off …
The person who decides to leave the next death notice for me here, is going to pay dearly. DEARLY !!! Because I will loose my fucking mind …
Fair warning … Goodnight.