Severus Snape was in the employ of Voldemort, on the night he heard the first portion of Professor Trelawny’s prophecy regarding the child who would vanquish the Dark Lord.
Would it be Harry, Or would it Be Neville Longbottom. It was a toss up.
We know now who that child was and is.
Severus had a saving grace. Lily Potter.
There were two sides to the bravest man at Hogwarts. In his death, Harry learns the truth about his nemesis and Potions Master, Defense Against the Dark Arts Master, and Headmaster of Hogwarts.
This is a convenient visual to tell this little story about my brother.
I believe in that every human being has, within them, redeeming quality.
That we carry that one part of ourselves, unseen to the rest of us, that only they might, or might not know exists. I believe, that with time, growth, spiritual awareness and truth, we eventually find that redeeming quality, and we either embrace it or we ignore it.
People have a choice in this life. To DO Good, To BE Good, and To Honor Good. or They live their lives in the manner they choose, ignoring the light and living in the dark.
I’ve learned a great deal about spiritual truth in fifty odd years of life, coming from a bevy of teachers, spiritual and secular. Along with sixteen plus years of sobriety, a university education, spiritual teaching and living in the light for the whole of my sobriety, I have come a long way, in understanding redemption.
My Father and my Mother, for the WHOLE of our lives, my brother and myself, lived in a place of judgment and resentment, and darkness. I have stories about where this might have originated.
Childhood, Abuse, Alcoholism, War, Anger, Betrayal …
We are all products of our environment.
My parents come from rough backgrounds. And who they became after we were born, was a direct result of everything that happened to them in the past. Because it informed who they would become.
My Grandmothers; Jeannie, and Camille, were LOVE. Multiplied. My Aunt Paula, was Love Multiplied. Without those three women in my life, to this day, my father would have succeeded in killing me as a child, and probably would have gotten away with it, if I ponder for a moment, justice in the 1970’s and the prevalence of PTSD, that we knew nothing about for decades to come.
Even though my parents lived in hatred and resentment, they had their moments, when you could be mistaken that they did actually love their children. Least of all me.
Poison is Poison. And Life is Life. And this is the TRUTH:
My parents created me in a heated moment of passion in the back seat of a car, in a drive in, that every time we drove past it, my mother would BOAST that I was created there, happenstance.
In the end, as time went on, I was the MISTAKE and my brother was the CORRECTION.
I grew up in this dichotomy of love versus hate. When I knew life at home was no longer viable, I chose to leave, opting never to tell anyone I was gay. My twenties were a wash out, and a complete failure. Who do I blame for what I did not know?
I left my brother in this mix. I did not come back home. I never contacted him, and he never contacted me. We lived separate lives, to this day.
He does not know me, and in the same way, I do not know him.
My mother’s curse fell down around me. Both my parents got terribly sick. My mother survived, but she is a feeble human being today, with very little to live for, but to stoke the hatred in her heart till she takes her last breath, I am sure.
As long as she still breathes, and lives under my brothers roof now, my brother will never come to recognize his One Redeeming Quality, because it is hidden within him.
YET, over the past years, that redeeming quality, presented itself in peculiar behavior, that at times belie him. He communicates with Black Listed family, on the odd occasion. Which is how I keep tabs on him, through a back channel he knows nothing about.
In the same token, when my brother uses back channels to communicate, my parents are none the wiser. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. He made specific communications prior to my father’s death.
There is a kernel of remorse within him. A kernel of goodness, A kernel of hope.
I learned this from my aunt.
When my father died, I scoured the web looking for him, only to fail. It took me to a government cypher, whom I paid for critical information that I needed.
I phoned my brother twice. The first call was Not So Sober at all. The second call I made was much more civil.
On the Wednesday after my father’s death, my brother called me, told me to lose his number and hung up on me.
He redeemed himself, when twenty minutes later he called back to apologize for hanging up on me, and we had a protracted, and rather angry exchange. But he called a second time.
There is goodness in him still.
Knowing his propensity for back channel communication, and his small attempt, in a very small way, to say something quietly, without saying it openly,
That is his TELL.
And if I am to believe my aunt, that there was a 99% chance he read my letter, tells me that part of him wants to know, however hard he tries to be angry with me, I believe that kernel is there, and when the darkness that surrounds him dies, once and for all, he will be free of that evil cunt energy.
When she is dead, that cunt; he will have to go on with his life. Once they are dead, he can carry forwards their vitriol and anger and resentment, or he will EVOLVE.
And IF he read my letter, he knows ALL the TRUTH. He knows ALL the LIES, and he finally knows MY story, from the beginning to the present day.
That will be a huge paradigm shift in his life that might take awhile to make sense, after a lifetime of not knowing me or having me in his life.
He was loved by the same women who loved me. That love, passed on in Jeannie, Camille and Paula is what sustains me and has sustained me for the whole of my life.
That love exists within my brother too.
He was caught in a No Win Scenario, a Kobyashi Maru scenario.
What was he supposed to do, walk away, and leave my parents? God forbid he had done that, walked away like I did, cleanly, never looking back! Imagine how this huge shit hole of a situation would have played out had my parents been left to their own devices.
I close my eyes and I can see and hear: THE DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES
playing in my mind.
My brother was their care taker, because both my parents believed I was the mistake and not part of the family. My brother said to me that I had made a choice, NOT to be a part of this family. He is correct in that assessment.
What he did not know, unless he read my letter, is the WHY ?
If he read my letter, then he knows the truth from my own lips.
I give him the opportunity to redeem himself. I opened the door to his future, a future with me in it. But that will only be his choice to make, if and when the time and the climate is right. I cannot hunt him and force him into seeing the truth as it is.
He has to come to that realization on his own.
A Good Sober Sponsor, does not chase their sponsees.
We point the way to the truth and let you decide you want it.
And if and when he decides what he wants. I will be waiting.
Severus Snape will again be redeemed.
Because I am sure he remembers who I am.
Because in his small ways, his “TELL” tells me he remembers.
For all his harshness and anger and resentment, he knows deep within who I am.
And it will be a glorious day when he gets there himself.