At this evenings Monday Meeting, we read Step Three.
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.”
Step Three is all about the “DECISION.”
Bill was of several opinions when it came to this step. In essence, he was “All over the place” when it came to God. The proof we all see, is right in the books, as they were written and published. The words have not changed, over all these years.
Bill is great at CONTRADICTING himself over and over again, repeatedly.
At our Friday meeting, we read the book As Bill Sees it. We’ve read this book several times over. We just have not had the courage to pick something else, so A.B.S.I. is re-read over and over.
Over the years, I’ve watched countless people, struggle with God. People who come from faith traditions of their own (read: Family) struggle the most. Followed closely by those who find the word GOD objectionable from the Get Go.
I mean really, if you cannot read a book with the word God, in it, without getting offended, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve spent the better part of my sobriety, apologizing for the word God. Trying, however hard it took me, to get people into their steps and to do their steps, with a viable “work around” for God.
Many of those folks, I had worked with previously, are no longer in my life today.
Thinking about God, tonight, began with a conversation with a friend, before the meeting. My friend has a new job. One that requires, manual labor.
He’s a janitor …
He pushes a broom and a mop and he shovels snow.
Thankless, Mundane, Work.
However mundane, I’ve told him about a portion of my long story.
When I met Todd, more than twenty-five years ago, the way I worked myself onto his “team” was through manual labor. The bar was moving from point A to point B. I knew this move was coming.
And from the very first night, I loved Todd, intimately. I knew the WHY.
From the first moments, in his blue-eyed gaze, I was transfixed. Thinking, in retrospect, Todd, was the first man I ever trusted, implicitly.
I worked like a mad man when the move night arrived. And for weeks after, as we built the bar, in an empty building from the ground up, I proved my worth, through manual labor. He hired me full-time.
It’s what we BOTH did not know then, that would solidify our relationship.
In the world we lived in, there were roles and protocols. Todd lived in His truth, and I knew mine as well. When I got sick, and told Todd that I was going to die, he wept.
Todd’s role in my life had shifted, just a little bit. Well a WHOLE LOT ACTUALLY !!!
When everybody else ran for the hills, away from the fire, Todd stepped into it with all that He had. One look from Him, four simple words from HIM, was all that I needed.
In the beginning, when all was lost, and I was running on empty, emotionally, mentally and physically, Todd was the Pool of Everlasting Water, that never went dry, ever.
Left to my own devices and my mind, falling apart, was not good at all.
Todd put down a rule, that I followed, to the last letter. Because I trusted Him and Loved Him.
He said to me: You have a life outside this building. I know it is difficult. But I have an answer for you. He said that as I approached the building front doors, I needed to prepare to drop anything that was worrying me, AT the DOOR, outside and leave it there.
When I stepped through the doors, and the doors closed behind me, THE ONLY thing you have to worry about is the job you are assigned on any given night, for as long as that shift lasted.
All I had to think about was work, and nothing else.
That was HUGE.
I could sink myself into my world. I could dress any way I wanted. Back then I was still young and beautiful. That always worked in my favor. I was protected by Todd, because I was an untouchable. Without Todd’s permission, men in the room knew that I was off-limits.
Every job. Every task. Every mundane task, every dirty task, I had, had an attached lesson to it. Every night, there was something new to be learned, one way or another.
I have documented all those various lessons, here on the Blog, in the Pages Section.
My friend, tonight, started his new job. Mundane. Thankless. Solitary.
Meditative …He sees this benefit himself.
Every night, in retrospect, I was learning Step Three, on a nightly basis. WHILE, I was getting sober the first time. I have always said that my education inside the walls of the bar, when it came to sobriety, were worth MORE than sitting in the dysfunctional room that I went to meetings in, because of the toxic messages that were thrown at me night after night for the first year.
I learned to Turn it Over, over and over again. Until I got it right.
With Todd, that did not take long at all. Because His words were Gospel. Whatever He said to me, sunk deep into my soul and psyche. I never trusted another man, in my life, like I trusted Todd. Not my father, not my husband today, No One …
I never second guessed Todd and I never spoke back at him either. Ever …
Sadly, today, I second guess God. And I back talk God as well.
My favorite phrase today is:
YEAH BUT …
It is so simple. It is painfully simple. And Being so far away from that Time and Place, knowing what it felt like to sink into Todd (read: God) for all that it was worth, puts me at a disadvantage. And I should know better.
My spiritual director caught this miss-step, and he called me on it.
And I knew he was right. And tonight, talking to my friend, before the meeting, just nailed it for me. And then the chair introduces Step three for consideration.
Was that ODD or was that GOD ???
I’ve met God, Incarnate. He walked with me through the worst time in my life, and I am still alive and can tell you this story.
There IS a GOD and I am not He.