September 5th 2018 – So Much to Say !!!


Summer is officially over. We did not Labor, over the Labor day weekend.

However good news did come.

I spoke about hubby applying for a new job at a firm here in Montreal, prior to his loosing his job last week. That process took a serious turn, late on Friday night. The new company website is updated live, frequently. Hubby can see the progress of his application in “real-time.”

At 11:35 p.m. Friday night, the hiring manager for the firm, sent hubby a welcome email.

He was up, and in the company email server at 11:35 p.m. on the Friday going into a Holiday weekend. His contact email asked for some supporting documentation of hubby’s work, to date. We took all weekend to polish the PDF’s that would be sent out.

Hubby completed that work around 11 p.m. Sunday night. Before he went to bed, he sent the PDF package to the hiring manager. Today, Wednesday, at 12:30 p.m. As I was preparing to go get my haircut, hubby received another email from the hiring manager, thanking him for the package sent and to set up a secondary interview with a manager, as he was on vacation, but said …

“I would like the hiring process to continue in my absence.”

The HIRING Process …

Two further interviews are now scheduled. One with a representative, and the final interview, with the hiring manager himself.

Hopefully, we will have this job in the bag, so to speak, soon.

Fingers Crossed !!!

Summer might be officially over, but right now it is 42c outside.
Miserably HOT as HELL.

All of my young people, who were away working for the summer, are home now. Monday evening I met with a young man, I kept in contact with, while he was away. Everybody is reconnected, and in residence, and school has begun for many of them this week.

Monday night, we read a story from the Book, that spoke about failures and success.

You don’t have to fall into the category of abject loss and failure, to be an alcoholic. Although many do fall into the category of “Crash and Burn.” The writer, of Monday’s story, rattled off his accolades and accomplishments, quite boastfully, you would think, upon first read, he did not lose like many, but like many, at one point, in his drinking career, he crossed that invisible line, when the joy of drinking dies.

Alcoholics across the board, eventually reach that invisible line,
when the joy of drinking DIES.

He was successful his entire life, even a success at drinking, albeit, heavily.

Until he could drink No More.

I thought to myself about the passage we read. Insight always comes from looking backwards. In order to go forwards, we MINE the past for wisdom. The older I get, the more insight I learn about myself and my friends.

This is where I went with my thoughts:

I had great friends in school. I had a lot of best friends. Boys I loved dearly. I spent inordinate amounts of time in their respective houses over those years, fleeing my father’s wrath.

Everybody drank. We all drank. However, I look back at the time now, and this is what comes up. My friends drank as hard, if not harder than I did, but I was the one who always fell down, at some point. None of my friends I grew up with, recount ever having the same “problem” that I did with the drink.

When Face Book dawned, I went looking for old friends. None of them wanted to reconnect, or know me. Each of them moved on with their lives, and had no desire to talk about the past.

As a young drinker, I just made it by, in school. The only reason I graduated High School, was fortuitous. I told one truth to my Math teacher, the last day of class. I was a failure when it came to math. To this day, I do not do numbers very well.

When the entire class got an advanced copy of the final exam, I did not. On the last page of that exam, I wrote a truth. Sharing with my teacher, that I was the only person in the class, who did not get an advance copy of his exam to study from.

I wished him a good day, and left it at that.

I got my High School Diploma, shortly after.

My parents had told me that they would not pay for college. Thankfully, I got a scholarship to the local community college, for a years study. The second year was paid by the archdiocese of Miami, when I entered seminary.

I’ve spoken about what happened when they told me to leave.

Alcoholism was waiting for me just outside the gates of the property. There wasn’t much in my life at that point. I had a job, that was aided and abetted by alcohol.

My coming Out Experience was based on Alcohol, and my viability as a sexual being.

My parents were not involved in my life, as they had turned their backs on their gay son, I could not live under their roof, and be gay at the same time.

I followed the only advice I got. That advice became a serious delusion, as I grew older.

Go to the Bar, Sit down, Drink, and wait for Fireworks, was the advice given.

From the age of twenty-one till the day I got sick, at twenty-six, my life revolved around three things: Alcohol, Drugs and Sex.

I’m not really clear on how I managed to survive, on that kind of pepper diet.

I succeeded in drinking, drugging and having sex. Being gay in Orlando Florida was a blood sport. If you were cute and sexually viable, you were in the hunt, to out hunt the other hunters. I proved myself quite adept at acquiring specific men.

At one point I was in love with a boy who worked at the Parliament House Bar and Resort. Everyone was in love with him. That was a notch in my head-board, in the end.

I could compete on the sexual stage. I could compete on the alcohol and drug stage, what I could not compete on, were the employment and responsibility stages.

I did not amass, THINGS, or ACCOLADES, or FRIENDS, or MONEY.

I had very little, when I walked into the Stud on that auspicious night, unawares of just what was going to happen to me. The night I drove to that particular bar location, which had a “particular” sexual clientele, I knew what I was after.

Sadly, Todd, upon seeing me for the first time, KNEW TOO !!!

That night, he strolled out of his office and approached me, and sat down next to me and said these words … “I know why you are here!” He whacked me clear off my stool and across the floor.

Todd, not unlike God Himself, knew the darkness in my soul. In my mind, all those fantastical scenarios I was fed, from my father’s sordid reading material, were going to come to me, now that I found the location that would give them to me.

Funny … None of it ever happened.

I love Todd, more than any other human being I have known or love today. Not even my husband. Todd walked into my life and provided me with everything that I would ever need. “Love, Attention, Respect, Dignity, Ability, and Responsibility.”

From the moment Todd made his proclamation to me, he never allowed me to cross that invisible line into sordid behavior, EVER. And also, he never allowed another human being, the ability to cross that invisible line, into ME either.

Gay men, well, the gay men I grew up with, were concerned with only three things.

  • Where was the alcohol going to come from, and who was going to pay for it
  • Where were the drugs going to come from, and who was going to share them, and
  • How many men can I fuck, just for the fun of it ?

It is sad, that the delusion that Alcohol and sex were inextricably connected, was the way I lived from twenty-one till I hit thirty-four.

When I got sick, I have said before, that I went from HERO to ZERO in 5 days time.

When Todd arrived in the parking lot of The Copa, and said the word STOP, he meant it.

Several times, in the year prior to this event, Todd had wiped me off the bar floor, sodden drunk and sobbing.

I did get sober. Todd continued to wipe me off the floor, sober, many nights, when all I could do was cry. I cried for a long time. And Todd held me to his chest every time.

I learned how to succeed. SOBER. I did not have much in the way of “THINGS.”
I did survive when many did not.

That was a HUGE success.

The short eighteen month BLIP on the proverbial radar, was a mistake. A HUGE mistake. Todd, by that point, had been in California for a while, and there was nobody to confide in, or talk to.

Trusting myself was a serious liability.

In those intervening years, I amassed many “THINGS.” When I made that fateful geographic, I LOST all those THINGS.

I stared with a duffel bag of clothing, and not much else. I had to rebuild from nothing.

Sobriety came a second time. The sexual delusion had to be smashed.

Thirty Four years old, believing that sexual conquest was still a viable option, had come to an end. I was drinking to be seen, and to be noticed, and to have sex.

Nobody saw me,
Nobody noticed me,
And sure as shit, Nobody wanted to have sex with me.

It was a bitter pill to swallow. For sure.

Moving North, over the Border, was the best decision I ever made. I reclaimed my life and in sobriety, I have earned every success. Because each success was hard-fought for.

Life did not come easy. Not for one moment. I worked my ass off.

And like Todd, who loved me, cared for me, and taught me how to survive, hubby loves me, cares for me, and takes care of me, in ways Todd did, but in specific different ways.

A long time ago, in a little nightclub called the Stud, Todd taught me how to survive, in the basic job of GIVING. Even when I had very little to offer.

Simple service to the greater good, worked …

Gratitude is not lost on me, neither is Humility.

I’ve spent over sixteen years giving to my community, because that is what I was taught to do, by sober women and some sober men.

In the beginning, WOMEN ruled my life and cared for me when I most needed it.

Women still hold a dear place in my heart, to this day.

Women Do Rule the World.

Gotta give my ladies props !!!

I am well cared for. I need for nothing.

Hubby is my guy …

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