Erotica …

When time permits, naps usually take place.

Sometimes when I nap, I pass from sleep state, into rem state. I know the feeling when I pass through that veil, and go somewhere else for a little while.

I felt the shift happen. And my mind lit up like a Christmas tree. I have never had a dream, like the one I had this evening. It was the most erotic dream I’ve ever had. It was totally of a topic I’ve never thought about, or concerned myself with for myself.

And I don’t usually write this kind of “sex charged” kind of material in open community. But If I don’t write it down now, I will forget it in an hour.

I was visiting friends, and everyone was having a good time. And we found, underneath the mattress in a bedroom, items that one does not usually have around the house, unless of course you were into that kind of kink.

Kink … is my middle name …

If you visit the kink side of life, in either the gay world or the straight world, kink is a thing, for some it is a way of life, some more than others.

Men and women do all kinds of kinky things, alone or together.

Male Chastity is a kink I am familiar with. I have watched it come into being, a while back, and at one point, chastity was all the rage in gay circles. Even the kinky straight people were getting in on the game. There are tons of straight kink sites who offer chastity devices.

Nothing like a kinky mistress to lock up her mans cock, so only she can enjoy it, and deny him the ability to touch it himself or get off …

It’s a great way to STOP a man from touching himself, for short periods of time, for long periods of time, and for the hard core players … To once and for all deny someone their dick FOREVER.

This does take place. I’ve seen straight couples do it, and I’ve seen some intrepid gay men do it too. All you need is a tube of epoxy, or a rivet gun. You can disable a lock permanently with epoxy or to rivet the lock permanently LOCKED !!!

Then You Are Fucked !!!

I don’t ever write about sexual topics here, but the dream continues.

I found a chastity device I thought was attractive, and I took the time it takes to actually put one on, sans the locking device. We were all joking around having a good time, and one of my friends walked up behind me and put a lock on my device. It’s hard to fight when there are more of them then there are of you.

Now I’m locked in this device, with no way out of it.

One of my favorite kink dealerships, offers a Platinum Key Agreement for $175.00 in the domestic U.S. Market. You buy your device and the additional $175.00 plan, and they send you your kit, along with return UPS envelope and your agreement that you fill out and sign. You send the pack back to them, WITH your keys, and you are off on your own adventure.

They will execute your plan as you desire. And will only return your keys when the time has been served. And not a day before…

Sadly, this Platinum service is not available in Canada. You’d have to find another human who will do the job, sans the $175.00 fee.

Anyways, where was I ?

Oh yes, Chastity.

The dream went on and on, for what seemed a long time. It’s almost a badge of courage if you take the plunge and actually lock yourself up. And to have someone who is equally as involved as you are.

Then I found myself in a forest, in the setting of a VR game. (VR-Vitual Reality). It was a familiar scene, with one of my friends there. One in particular. He shall remain nameless for the moment.

One of my friends and I talk sex a lot. In fact, the topic of sex has come up several times with three of my friends. Young men in sobriety, they like their alcohol, but more importantly, they really like sex.

And in early sobriety, they tell us, quite wisely, DON’T GET INVOLVED in your first year. Some of my friends don’t listen.

You know, you tell someone not to touch the stove because it is hot, REALLY HOT … and what do they do ? They Touch the Stove and get BURNED.

Admitting quite easily that they heard you, but still felt compelled to see just how hot the stove was.

One of my friends was in this dream. Another human being who could seriously learn from a stint in a chastity device.

Because if you cannot have sex with either a man or a woman, all of my friends in the program are straight, so they want to have sex, but we tell them not to, for their own well being and the well being of any girl who they are going to end up breaking her heart … as is usual for many !

What can you advise them to do ? Masturbate. Slap the Monkey, Crank one out, you get the idea.

The problem with masturbation comes with the added and quite possibly a tangent addiction … PORN.

Men are not immune to Internet Porn availability. We talk about it often enough, so I can address it here.

Sex is an issue that comes along with alcohol and drug addiction. Porn is just as addictive as alcohol and drugs, and can lead one into seedy behavior, if you don’t nip it in the bud. This only works if whomever you are talking to, has enough courage to be honest in all their affairs.

Back to the dream: Anyways, my one friend, who is nameless at the moment, asks me what this little device does, and instead of telling him, what it does, We lock one on to his member … so he can feel what it does to him.

We all laugh gleefully.

The dream continues for a bit, and in the end, I am locked up, along with my friend, and the dream fades to black.

Which then leads me to get up and search my sellers for a chastity device. There are a few sellers, that I shop from, by the by. Mr. S, Fort Troff, and Priape (here in Montreal).

Chez Priape – Sex Shop in Montreal

With the exchange being in the toilet, and knowing what the shipping charges are coming up from the U.S. I’m not going to spend over $200.00 CAD to buy internationally.

Looking closer to home, well, actually, just a few stops down on the Green Line, into “The Village” is our local, sex shop. In the village you can find sex, in all its forms. You can hit a Sauna, and find it. You can hit a bar, and find it, or you can go to a shop that specializes in all things SEX.

Little sex shops are scattered liberally all over the city. I usually shop at one a couple of blocks from home, just up the street, because I hate making the trip into the village, because that particular Metro Station is closed until June, and in minus -20c, I’m not walking from one end or the other, Papineau or Berri, into the village.

But it is warmer now than it has been all season.

I found me a device. It isn’t cheap, and I like that. I have had friends, in the past, who walked down this road, and made purchases either locally, or from international sellers, that ended up really becoming trouble for them.

If you’re gonna lock yourself up, better it be stainless steel or high grade plastic with genuine locks and keys. If you shop on the cheap, you will get what you pay for … CHEAP !

Some metal goods from other places, rust, fall apart, and caused serious medical issues for some of my friends. I’m not gonna go down that road myself.

So, are you sexual ? Do you like Sex ? Does this little piece titillate you?

It got my engine rolling.

Was the best damned dream I’ve ever had.

Humboldt Broncos

Humboldt Broncos Jersey

On April 6th, 2018, The Humboldt broncos team bus was hit by a truck driver, killing many young people. I mark that memory here on the blog, of those young men and women who died in that crash.

Tonight, I went to the Humboldt Broncos Online Store and found a link to SPOTLIGHT. They produce Humboldt gear. And a portion of their sales goes to Support the families and the team. I bought a jersey. Something I had thought about doing before. Tonight, it just seemed the right thing to do.

If you are wont to do the same you can go to: The Humboldt Broncos Online store https://www.promoplace.com/humboldt-broncos/bronco-gear.htm

Today … in Melfort Saskatchewan

The truck driver who caused the deadly Humboldt Broncos crash has been sentenced to eight years in prison. Jaskirat Singh Sidhu of Calgary pleaded guilty earlier this year to 29 counts of dangerous driving.

He stood quietly and looked ahead at the judge as his sentence was pronounced.

Judge Inez Cardinal told court in Melfort, Saskatchewan that she approached the sentence knowing “nothing can turn back the clock.”

She also noted that Sidhu’s remorse and guilty plea were mitigating factors, but added she had to consider the number of people who died or were severely injured and face life-long challenges.

Sidhu barrelled through a stop sign and into the path of the junior hockey team’s bus at a rural Saskatchewan intersection last April.

Sixteen people were killed and 13 were injured.

Cardinal said the collision could have been avoided had Sidhu been paying attention. She said — “Somehow we must stop this carnage on our highways.”

The Crown wanted the 30-year-old Sidhu to be sent to prison for 10 years, while the defence said other cases suggested a range of one-and-a-half to four-and-a-half years. Cardinal began her decision by reading each victim’s name aloud.

The judge said the hockey players who died were gifted athletes, while others on the bus were dreaming about families or had already started them. She said families have been torn apart because of the loss.

Sidhu’s lawyers say he’s likely to face deportation to his home country of India after he serves time.


Violence in Sacred Spaces

Al Noor Mosque Christchurch New Zealand

I’ve waited for the dust to settle to speak about recent events. Violence in Sacred Spaces is not an issue that happens in other places, other countries, other provinces, other cities.

Here in Quebec, Alexandre Bissonette walked into a mosque in Quebec City and killed six worshipers, praying in their sacred space. The Muslim community is still reeling from that violence, because it happened again.

This time, New Zealand was the country where peaceful men and women lived, because they felt safe, and accepted by the people of Christchurch, a little over a week ago, a man walked into Al Noor mosque, and a second mosque and killed fifty people and injured many more.

I think to myself, violence in sacred spaces is not new. Dylan Roof walked into a Christian church and killed indiscriminately.

I’m not sure where the notion of killing people in sacred spaces began, I cannot recall, by my memory, where this line of attack was delivered to the masses, that killing of religious people was an acceptable choice.

TODAY … here in Montreal, in one of the most hallowed religious churches in Montreal, St. Joseph’s Oratory, on Mount Royal, a priest was in the middle of saying mass in the main sacred space, where worshipers gather from all over the world, and from our own community, a man walked up to him, during the commission of saying mass, and stabbed the priest in broad daylight, in front of a church full of innocent people, and tried to kill him.

Thankfully, the video shows, how people in the church jumped in to part the two men, and to save the priest from death … The elderly priest was rushed to the Montreal General Hospital, with non-life threatening stab wounds. He was later released, is in good shape, save a little beaten up by the experience, saying … He wants to go back to work, in a place of peace.

I was raised in the church. I served Holy Mother church for many years, and I thought serving the church as a vocation was going to be my lot in life, but God, had other plans. I know today, through considerable reflection about God, He knew the location was not right, nor were the people in that place. I know this today.

Today I serve my God, in many capacities, through the rooms of recovery, and with my friends and fellows. This is the life I always wanted, but it took a turn down a rabbit hole to get here.

I studied Religion and Theology in University and I have two sacred pieces of paper, who attest to my knowledge and my educational abilities.

I just don’t understand what drives people to walk into a sacred space and kill people. I mean really, you could choose any location to do that kind of murder. I believe it is some kind of shock factor that people get a rise out of killing in a church or a mosque, as if to say,

NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE, ANYWHERE !!!

That is just sick and demented.

It saddens me every time we hit this act of terror, where ever it may happen. The battle of the religious groups is historical. It goes back millennia. I mean the world began with conquest and religious strife.

The world moved from rags to riches, because men with religious leanings, got on a boat and traversed the oceans, only to find, indigenous peoples, living their lives, as they did, only to arrive, approach, and kill. So that they could plunder their riches to fill their coffers back at home, and to become filthy rich.

Some by sword, Some by war, and for the most part, by disease.

Indigenous communities all over the world, a millennia ago, were decimated by disease, brought to the new world by the conquerors of Holy Mother Church. Millions of people died, in the first scourges of religious warfare of sacred spaces.

In Europe, the battle between the three monotheistic religions, they being Christianity, Islam and Judaism, built, lived, fought and died, to bring their superior religion to an area, and conquer people into submission.

Killing in Sacred Spaces is not a new proposal.

There is really nothing we can say, as a whole that will make a hill of beans difference, because governments sit on their hands when it comes to logical process of stopping mass killings.

But New Zealand has done something the world over were gobsmacked by. In SIX DAYS, out from the double mosque killing, New Zealand, passed a common sense gun control measure, banning military type guns from New Zealand.

SIX DAYS … Imagine what the rest of the world could do in six days, if we had the resolve and the backing of governmental parties, if we ourselves could make this kind of resolution, and make it stick.

SIX DAYS !!!

We mourn the loss of our brothers and sisters in other places. We pray for them and their communities and their families.

If we were able to say, Never Again, and make it stick we would. But that is just not possible, because crazy, gun nuts, fucked up people are still out there. They just need the right dog whistle blown in their ears, and they too, may one day, commit another heinous act of terrorism.

Killing has to STOP.

We must act, NOW.

Let us pray for our departed brothers and sisters.


Culpability Defined

I am borrowing a post from a friend this morning. He writes better words than I do. https://steveawiggins.com/sects-and-violence-in-the-ancient-world/

What seems to be lacking in the United States government is any realization that actions have consequences.  While in Christchurch, New Zealand at least 49 people have been murdered only for being Muslim, Trump feels that tweeting “heartfelt” condolences somehow exculpates him from fostering an atmosphere of hatred.  Indeed, the main shooter in that travesty cited Trump as an inspiration.  The sickening lack of awareness that deeds have consequences has once again led to a body count.  Meanwhile in these states the Republican Party refuses to condemn the daily and consistent message of racism coming from an edifice that is more and more appropriately called the “White House.”  Do you have to pull the trigger to be guilty?  History will decide.  

Politics has always been a crooked game, but until 2016 most elected to the highest office—God help us, even George W. Bush—realized that the office had responsibility associated with it.  It wasn’t a place you could play loose and easy and tweet from the hip and think it was your right as “just another citizen.”  Muslims have been part of American culture from very nearly the beginning of this experiment in colonialism.  Freedom of religion was one of the pillars of democracy that Trump has been chopping down like a cherry tree while tweeting “No I didn’t.”  The GOP applauds.  Here’s how to instill one religion as the norm, not considering the consequences.  Massacres in the name of Christ don’t make you Christian.  Not cutting history class should be a requirement to run for elected office.  Or at least taking basic civics.  Instead we have a government that refuses to recognize that it can inspire murderers around the globe and then offer heartfelt condolences with no apologies.

Where is the condemnation of racism?  Where is the line between black and white?  Where is the sense of any culpability for creating and sustaining the warm, moist environment where the bacteria of hatred thrives?  When you awake to the news that yet another white supremacist has taken inspiration from an angry white man who has nothing to be angry about and has consecrated murder as patriotism how can you look the world in the eye?  Hiding behind a tweet does not bring back the dead.  How do we get the message through?  Millions of us have repeatedly marched in protest.  We flipped one house of congress and we daily sign petitions until our fingers bleed but no response comes from those who won by a mere technicality.  If there are indeed ghosts in this world there will be mass immigration and it shall be richly deserved.

Renovation Complete

Thursday this past week, saw delivery of Ikea furniture to complete the floor, painting, furniture project. We’ve now spent about $5,000 of the renovation. Much of that will pay out in a substantial rent increase to cover the flooring put down last week.

As of this afternoon (Friday) my library project is complete. I’ve always wanted book cases to showcase my personal book collection. I was impressed as I stacked books today, that I have read each and every book in my library, whether for class, or for personal gain. Even these two book cases did not complete the job, as we still have a box of books that did not find themselves shelved. Me thinks another book case is in the plans later on. But they do look beautiful.

Over on the right you can see the new cabinet we purchased for the electronics that connect to the flat screen television. We took the old stand and employed it for the computer tower and printer in my office space.

The old white desk that was taped together with duct tape is gone. I only kept the cabinet because it was still in tact, because I needed some extra storage space at my desk. The desk is brand new, and is handsome itself.

Next week, (Tuesday) Ikea will deliver the last two pieces of furniture that still need to be replaced. Huby calls them the horseshoe of depression. The dining table his parents gave him when he moved in here 19 years ago, and the pantry cart that holds stacks of food boxes, cookie containers, and the cutting board for holiday dinners. Both will be replaced with new furniture which has bee on a “want” list for as long as we’ve been together.

IKEA furniture brings with it the ever present challenge to “Divine” what those little picture books tell us to do, WITH NO WORDS, only PICTURES.

I have to say, we almost lost it over putting the desk together. We got through 95% of the build until I lost my cool, because I could not get the last two hinges in the desks door (on the right) … I almost lost it.

The book cases took us all of twenty minutes to build. The first one went together so fast, that hubby turned the shelves backwards, so the backs were facing outwards, and we only realized the error when we nailed the final nails in the back panel and stood it up for the first time.

“The refrain went something like this FUUUUUUUCK !!!”

We did not make the same mistake twice. In the end, all it took was a little original thinking to make it look complete and error free. We took some black shoe polish and “polished” the backward facing shelves so they look like the others.

Mischief Managed !!!

We now live in a totally renovated space. We have a photo album I gave hubby when we got married of the wedding pictures and a photo book containing all of hubby’s early photos I had found and put in book form. And in that book are photos of what this place looked like 18 years ago, when I moved in. Both of us were getting sober together. And this apartment was a little dirty shit hole.

There were 300 beer bottle piled on the balcony, we had a rabbit that shit all over the place. The furniture was old twenty plus year old bamboo furniture that was falling apart and was being held together with duct tape.

It was a complete mess … It took us years to start renovating in small areas. We changed appliances, and electronics as we could afford them. We cleaned up the space, the rabbit eventually died, and went to SPCA heaven.

But as of today, everything we have always wanted to do is done. Save the table and pantry coming next week.

We’ve spent many years as “Have Nots.” Which has kept us humble and appreciative of all the good graces we’ve had from our friends over the years, because when we needed, the hand was always there. Thank the program for that grace. If it were not for my friends in recovery, we probably would not have made it to this point.

Today we “HAVE” modestly. We live within our means, and all the money we pay out in taxes and social services over the year prior come back to us. We can file all kinds of exemptions to the taxes for drug payments that we pay out of pocket every month, and other ancillary services that are ot covered by government programs.

Tonight we talked about God. And I figured something out that I had not thought about before. And that is this … A very long time ago, memere had a conversation with God about me, and it has taken me 52 years to figure out what He was trying to show me my entire life.

I can live, and trust God, and I have survived this far… By the Grace of God and the Fellowship.

Gratitude overflowing.

It was a great day, it is slowly getting warmer, but it still is gonna be a few cold days. Spring will come eventually. And won’t we all be glad for that.

More to come.


Spring Renovations

New Laminate Floors in the Apartment

A little while ago, we had first decided that we would move out of our unit, if another unit in the building, (a much larger unit sans a balcony) became open for rental. Several apartments came up, but none were as large as ours IS. And we have a balcony.

The building was getting ready to raise rents, as our lease came up for renewal. In the hunt for another unit, an offer was put on the table, by the building manager. That offer was to put in brand new floors in the apartment, which would indeed raise our rent considerably.

On Tuesday this past week, the build team arrived at 8 in the morning to begin pulling up carpet and laying laminate flooring.

We had spent the previous three days packing everything up in boxes, so we could move the larger furniture around them. They were not happy with the way we had packed up, because we assumed that they would follow the lead we wanted them to take.

Alas, they did not. So we spent the better part of the morning moving furniture around and piling it up like a trash heap. In the end, they took all day Tuesday to lay the flooring, and that evening it took us HOURS to sort out our belongings and reset the place.

Hubby had filed our taxes early, so we had a massive dump of income to the house over the weekend. We spent about $325.00 on paint and supplies. Yesterday we began painting the entire apartment.

We ran with a four color palette. Two grey tones, one mid-dark, and the other an almost charcoal dark for the kitchen. We used a light blue in the office and dining rooms, and a brighter blue for the bathroom and the coat closet, next to the front door.

If you go to my Instagram Account: [jeremy 1350] you can see the video of the refresh. I don’t have video capability on the blog. I don’t use that function often enough to spend another $100 CAD for a business template.

Yesterday, we spent some money on a wall unit book case, a new desk for myself, and a cabinet for the television and stereo/dvd system. That is coming on Thursday this week.

Soon we will be purchasing a new dining room set and a pantry cart for the kitchen. [A much larger pantry cart] than the one we currently use. We need a further food storage solution which is integrated into the pantry cabinet coming this week.

Once we complete the furniture refresh across the board, we will have, finally, 18 ears later, have replaced every single old piece of furniture we own. This process began a number of years ago, when we finally had ample income to start refreshing the apartment. For many, many years, we did not have two nickles to rub together, we were hard pressed, financially for years and years.

That Financial Promise took 13 years to arrive for us …


This is the new kitchen color, a dark charcoal shade. It is quite striking. And goes well with the new floors.

All of the work has been completed. Now the real test.

They say if you survive putting together an IKEA cabinet, you are good to be married. They used to take engaged couples to Ikea for a shop, then ask them to put together the most complicated cabinet. And if man and woman survived that shop AND build, they were good to get married.

I know we practically were homicidal inside that IKEA store. And we nearly killed each other trying to put together all the furniture we had bought on that shop. And this week we are doing it all over again.

MINUS the homicidal Ikea Shopping experience.

Thank God for online shopping.

More to come.

We Will Lose Interest in Selfish Things

They say, or it has been said, “That at some point, you are going to hear someone tell your story.”

When it comes to storytelling, there is not another human being, on the English side, who has a story like mine. All the men I knew, in early sobriety, who had AIDS, are long since dead. I am the last.

Which leaves a sparse gay community of men, in my social circle, who are still alive today. I don’t have anything to do with those gay men, because our community is quite fractured.

Reciprocal friendships are hard to come by.

I am grateful that I have a handful of reciprocal friends. It may be a character defect that, people might think of us, by the by, and make the out call. I don’t sit at home and wait for an out call. I cannot be bothered to do that today.

I spoke about the Old Brewery Mission Meeting, that I attend on Sunday mornings. I like my Mission folks. They are great men and women. The Matriarchs are headed to Egypt right now for a three week tour of Cairo, the Nile river, and Saqqara.

The cycle of speaker/chair was interrupted Sunday. So I stepped in to chair and one of my friends, was asked to speak, as we restart the chain again.

Like I said above, at some point someone is gonna tell your story. I also said that nobody in this city, has my specific story. But, I heard my friend, on Sunday, tell his story. There are common themes between us.

When we drink and/or use, that theme is a constant because, if you are in the room, you abused the drink and the drugs. I’ve been dissecting my story over the years, and I can say that, when I was much younger, I was a good kid. I was a good son (take that or leave it), I was a good citizen, a good employee, and I was responsible, until alcohol took over.

As a younger employee, I really was not interested in drinking all the time, it wasn’t something I did regularly. Only when invited out to drink with friends, or when we threw a party in high school.

When alcohol was present, I became absent. I know this.

I had some of the best jobs a kid could have, growing up. I did really well, under pressure, and I did my job, as was needed.

When I moved away from home, with the delusion that was given to my inner memory bank, I was of single vision.

“Drink your way in, Wait for fireworks.”

I had eyes for one particular apartment, in a particular complex, that I clearly could not afford. I had a new car, that I could not afford either, and I had a job, that I went to, but in the end, everything was lost.

It is amazing to me, how selfish I became when it came to the procurement of alcohol. You cannot imagine, the amounts of alcohol I poured into my system on a weekly basis. And how narrow my honesty became.

The alcohol might have “gotten me in the door” but it did not “keep me in the club,” so to speak. Addicts and Alcoholics will lie, cheat and steal from their mothers, to score …

I justified my alcoholism against the abuse heaped upon me by my father. I called it Pay Back. All the lies I told, to hit my father where it hurt, worked.

I got the car.

But a lifetimes worth of resentments followed. And my father went to his grave, never knowing me, or even speaking my name on his deathbed.

We believe, for a while, that the drink and the drugs work, because we are getting one over on everybody else. Until that stops working.

OR

UNTIL A STOP SIGN APPEARS….

Like my friend on Sunday, we both got hit with the Stop Sign.

We both got deathly ill, and death WAS a foregone conclusion. We were both supposed to die. Thankfully, we are both, still, very alive.

We both knew what we did, once doctors told us we were going to die. My friend had serious health issues, that he found a work around to drink. Even at the worst of times, he figured out how to get and drink alcohol.

In my worst of time, waiting for the other shoe to drop, was excruciating. I was watching what was going on around me, in real time. The very ugly, painful, miserable, march to death, for my friends with AIDS.

I knew what was coming, and I had decided from the get go that I was not going to go out that way. I wasn’t doing drugs so much, but I was surely drinking to kill myself. As fast as I could hasten death, would have been good.

My friend, at his blotto end, found recovery, via rehabilitation.

I did not.

Rehab came to me, in the guise of Todd (read:God).

I had a room to go to. And I had a job. The room was not so healthy for me, neither was the bar, because what right alcoholic in recovery, makes his money working in a bar, of all places ?

I did. Because Todd was my boss.

All those negative things we do in active addiction, at some point, comes to a halt. And we have a choice to make. Go on to the bitter end, or we decide to live.

Selfish things, became something I was made aware of early on. The easiest way to change this tape, in our heads, is to actively do work against our wills.

Those would be: Hitting a meeting, or working with others.

I did hit meetings. but more importantly, I did not only work with others, I worked for others. Todd knew, that the less I thought about ME, or thought about what was going on in my head, the better.

The Brain/Thought Partition method worked wonders.

My friend having lived this long, volunteers several days a week, at Hospitals, Rehabs, and the Old Brewery Mission. He knows what to do today, to lengthen his life.

It was through hard work, on a daily basis, that saved me. You cannot avoid the specter of death, when everyone around you is dying. And selfishly, they choose to drink and drug themselves sick, into death. I watched this selfish behavior go on under our roof.

True, that family, friends, lovers, and employers had tossed all of these very sick men to the curb to die alone. We could not care for so many, all at once. It was way too much to take in and handle.

It was truly the worst of times.

But, there were some of us, who did whatever we could, on a nightly basis, to ease the pain, somewhat. We had what were, at the time, the best healthcare providers, we could find. Because there were NO dedicated doctors or clinics.

Hospitals would begrudgingly take AIDS patients into lock down, sterile wards, as nurses and doctors would MOON SUIT UP to touch us, fearing for their own lives, like we were there to INFECT THEM, by our mere presence in their wards. That was truly heartless and cruel.

Friends, seeing what had gone on with patients in hospitals, decided that they would never go to a hospital. But die, outside, on their own terms. Is that selfish ? I mean, really, when you have no choice, but to take what is left of your life, into your own hands, what is the other viable choice?

Todd knew many things about me. He knew how destructive I could become, if left alone. He also knew, the dark inner sanctum of my heart, and he went to great lengths to keep me at arms length from any man, who walked into the bar on any given night.

He was protecting me from myself, across the board.

You cannot remain selfish, when the work you do, every night, is working with others, or for others. I had a job. A really great job. I loved that job.

I wish I could go back in time and revisit that time, with one proviso: All the people who were there, need to be there again.

The Promises speak of many things changing, as we get sober. They don’t all come at once, and for sure, they might take a lifetime. I know how long they took to come to me.

The job we have in sobriety, is to be vigilant, on all those warnings that the Promises speak of, as changing. If we remain in our alcoholic stupor, we will suffer the negatives, for as long as they are given fuel.

We have a choice in sobriety, which wolf we are going to feed.

Illness, with a death diagnosis, does not discriminate.

When it comes to death, when someone mentions that word within a share, I sit up and listen. That commonality, is stark among us. People get sick, some get better, or end up in remission. But a good percentage do die.

Death is the end for everyone.

For some of us, we have faced our death days, and lived to tell the tale.

Which I do proudly, whenever I get the chance.

If you want to get OUT of yourself, work with OTHERS.