I posted earlier today about my head space this morning. it only got worse as the day progressed. I’ve been uncomfortable all night long. And even spending time with people I love, did not ease the discomfort.

I’m still stuck in my body.

There are things we get to talk about with our friends, those things could be any topic, for any reason, and my friends would listen. There is only one person who has been brought into the Fidelius Charm. There is nobody else, in on the charm.

He has challenged me to become the best version of myself. Which is why he is within the Charm.

And I’m not sure I should bother him, at the moment, because I know he’s filled with his own anxiety about the end of term and the amount of work he has to pump out in the next ten days.

What I have left, is pouring myself out here, and recording how my days are going, from one day to the next. As my daily routine goes forward, knowing what I know at this very minute, being around my friends makes me a little uncomfortable.

I have good friends, mind you, who would never question anything I tell them about me, because they all know me, very well. Sometimes better than I know myself.

I’ve added another layer of who I am to the mix, a few days ago.

On a separately Other track …

I was told tonight, by a good lady friend, that, certain doors have not opened up to me, on one arc of my story, so she told me to just put one foot in front of the other, until that particular door opens.

Because Sobriety does not have a destination …

Making choices, putting a plan into action takes certainty, or a little bit that sounds like certainty. You don’t know if the plan, will flourish in the future, so all we can do is put one foot in front of the other, and stay in our days.

Where have I heard that little gem before ???

Sobriety, and Life in Sobriety is about the day you are in, and even the moment you are in, right now.

Any choice you make in sobriety, is tempered by how well you deal with a twenty four hour period. And when you can’t talk about what’s going on with you, you need to figure out where you are going to drop your thoughts, which is why this platform exists.

For the longest time, this was about my readers. I posted content for my readers. But that tack changed when Brene Brown became part of my life.

This week, I decided that I was no longer drumming for readers or support from the outside world. I decided days ago, to spend my writing time, working on me, in open community.

I had to reconsider what this blog functioned as. BRAVING this blog, the way it was, was no longer tenable.

Now, I turn the attention off of others, and onto myself. For better or worse. I don’t have any gay friends, inside or outside the rooms. That means a no go, for open discussion on just about anything not relatable.

I know I can talk to my Fidelius Charm partner.

Now is not the moment, though.

I get to think out loud here instead.

Putting one foot in front of the other …


Pondering in the Shower

There is something to be said about having specific knowledge.

Dressing to go outside takes a little more thought and consideration, so that I do not draw unnecessary attention to myself in public spaces.

There is only ONE other human being who “Knows.”

Being self conscious is natural.

In order to combat this state of mind, means one takes one little extra precaution. That comes in the form of what is called a modesty pad. My friend Jeffrey makes clothing for men, and one of his accessories, is this modesty pad.

When tights began to make their way into menswear, we needed a little help in the “package” department, because people were noticing a little more than we had imagined, and some complained about “Package size” and could you really … “wear something a little less conspicuous.”

Being locked up brings with it, a little apprehension about going out in public. Because of the accessory involved.

Not that the public matter, but if you are like me, you too “People watch on public transit.” I’m not a crotch watcher, I just like to look at folks and see what they are wearing, what kind of haircut they have and on the very ODD occasion, find a cop on the metro who is a shit brick house, and is good looking too.

There was only one Cop who matched that description, one afternoon on the Metro. I could of walked up to him for kicks and said “Arrest Me Please” just for the sheer fun of the activity.

Shit Brick House Cop + Handcuffs = HOT !!!

Day four, and I have not changed my routine, but going out in public is a little more “charged” because I know something that the rest of you don’t.

I put myself in this predicament, by my own hands, and turned the responsibility over to my key holder to enforce the term.

Which puts me in a mind fuck kind of situation when out in public. Knowing that your body is locked up, for certain reasons, and I think to myself, “well, why not just don’t touch yourself, for God’s sake.”

It’s not that cut and dry.

Not having access to physically being able to touch yourself is the key. I mean, everything is done today, with the added knowledge that you have an added layer of security ON YOU, at ALL TIMES.

And I think to myself that there might be another man, in my immediate area, who shares this little “issue” with me, and we’d never know, unless someone breaks their anonymity in open community.

And just who is gonna do that ???

I said earlier this week, that I have several friends who are on this kind of kick, or had been, the last time we saw each other. So I don’t know today.

I just know it makes me a little uneasy, or more, “Conscious” of the state of my body, underneath my clothing. It’s sexy but not sexy at the same time.

I’m really not thinking sexual thoughts, unless someone or something spurs on that kind of thought (cue Humpy Cop on the Metro).

I’m really not a sexually oriented human being. Sex, is really not the thing at the top of my “think list” unless it comes up in conversation with someone who makes mention of the topic.

I’m not oriented to think “sexual thoughts” when I am with my friends or at a meeting. It’s really not cool at all. Being in my fifties, and having lived through that phase of my life where, every good looking man, gay or straight was conquest material, I’ve grown up.

Falling for, or falling in love with a straight man, or your straight friends is always fraught with complications. So no, I don’t go there.

My straight friends don’t want to hear about my sex life, when on the odd occasion, their sex life comes up in conversation.

Which turned into this serious denial of physical contact.

These were the thoughts running through my head, as I was on the Metro a little while ago, today.

I’ve got something going on, and while yes it is a charge, to to speak, I also know something about life that you don’t.

And Wouldn’t You Like To Know ?