When we were kids, what was the one thing our parents told us, that was the most important idea ? Always tell the truth.
Growing up, I told the truth. Sometimes at my own peril. I learned early on, just How Much Truth, to let loose. When alcohol entered the picture, truth and all those other necessary ideas of honesty, went out the window.
Tonight I heard what happens, when you cannot tell another lie, to cover up all the lies you had already spoken, and the world caves in on you.
There is something I cannot wrap my brain around today.
Why are people so averse to telling the truth and also, hearing the truth?
Why are people so hell bent to shut you up and walk away from friendships and relationships, because you tell the truth ?
I’ve been sober a long time now. And I’ve seen a great many things over time, and I’ve also heard many things in many places. I had this conversation with a couple of friends tonight.
I’ve said, in an earlier post, that the train of thought in our rooms is this:
Feel Nothing, Say Nothing, Do Nothing.
God forbid, I speak a feeling in open community ! God forbid, I loose my cool, or even slightly raise my voice in a public setting. An Heaven Forbid, I tell the TRUTH, in front of my friends.
Over the past few years, I’ve learned about vulnerability, guilt and shame, from the Master Teacher Brene Brown. Vulnerability is not a liability, it is an Asset. And I live by that thought today.
We go about our lives, listening to people, tell us to just shut up. Listen to people tell us, that to openly feel an emotion in the general public is not advised. To the point, we become a Vulcan.
Say Nothing, Feel Nothing, Do Nothing.
Like I said before, I am not a robot.
If someone upsets me, I feel an emotion. In sobriety, the book tells us that “Acceptance is the key to all of my problems.” And that to admit that I am Powerless over People, Places, and Things, is the first thing I need to know before I open my mouth and say anything.
The book also says that “If I have a problem with somebody else, that in reality, the problem exists within me.”
Which means, SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP.
You’re not supposed to say that someone upset you, because you are your own problem. You are not supposed to be resentful at all, because an alcoholic’s worst adversary is an unjustified resentment.
That we aren’t supposed to get angry, If we’ve read the book, and worked our steps and we are OH SO SOBER !
We all have feelings. And to just sit back and listen to people read these passages from the book ad nauseum, turns my stomach. Because I cannot ignore my feelings any longer. And I am not just going to:
SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP, and KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT !!
Why are people so afraid of the truth ? And why is it such a sin to speak the truth when the necessity of speaking said truth arises?
I see, and I listen, and I watch. I remarked also tonight, that over as many years, I hit meetings, and listen to the reading and I share whatever it is on my mind, on any given night.
And I wait, for Someone, Anyone to challenge me, to tell me to keep my mouth shut, or maybe I am not so sober, if I am having a reaction to someone or something.
The implied silence rule still applies. Say Nothing, Feel Nothing, Do Nothing.
None of my peers would ever break protocol and challenge me. Not one Old Timer has the balls to call me on the carpet or even say something like, you’re talking bullshit, or maybe:
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, LET ME TELL YOU HOW I DEALT WITH THAT!
I’ve never heard ANY of my friends, fellows or any old timer, for that matter, say this particular phrase to me or anyone else around me.
My best friend pissed me off. I sat on my resentment for weeks, until two nights ago, I wrote him a letter, and told him the truth. And tonight, two nights later, he has not a word for me, sideways.
He’s gonna walk away because I told him the truth. The last time I was in a situation where I was on the emotional bubble, and I spoke a truth, all of my friends, and ALL of my sponsees ran for the hills, and never spoke to me again. Because I was feeling in open community. Because I had an emotional reaction to being over worked, stressed, and tired.
Yes, I think we can be overworked, stressed, and tired. Making seven meetings a week, for months on end, doing all the work to keep an entire fellowship floating, takes a toll on you after 4 months of doing all the jobs IN a meeting, while everyone else is away on Summer Vacation. And needing people to step up and assume responsibility, is not a lot to ask for, in my opinion.
We get sober. We learn how to live soberly. We learn how to deal with life on life’s terms, and we learn how to tell the truth.
The proviso: DO NOT BE Vulnerable. DO NOT say anything, and for God’s sake NEVER tell the truth to your friends. And never tell the truth in a meeting, because like to old adage go …
YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
How true those words are in today’s climate of lies and untruths.
Fuck me for being Honest.
I just don’t understand, and I wish someone would explain this to me in language I can understand.
Because I don’t lie to my friends, let alone my hubby.
At least that is a Sober Act.