I Don’t Need Saving

We heard tonight that,
“If you talk about being humble, then, you don’t know what humility is.”

I’m in a place of peace right now, because I know where my center is. I am connected to it, in a way, that brings me peace and serenity. I don’t need to be saved and I sure as shit, don’t need anyone telling me what to do with myself, And also I am sure as shit, that I don’t need your comments either.

I mused tonight, that people have this long standing picture of my normal state of being. A very stolid, stoic, quiet, never raise my voice or get angry person. That I am always a yes man, and never buck hat trend.

In the past, if I got angry, or raised my voice or said something not so serene, that would cause my friends to run for the doors. I’ve lost sponsees over raising my voice, I’ve lost friends because I tell the truth.

I don’t understand how people I have known for years and years, as soon as I disagree with them, or say that I am upset and I tell the truth in this instance, I loose.

I had a disagreement with my best friend of over seven years, and he fucked off on me and never spoke to me again. He did not ask me why, or try to find a solution to the disagreement, he just fucked off.

I don’t dress like a fifty year old man, and that drives men and women crazy. They just don’t understand that I buck the older sober trend, on purpose. I have an entire wardrobe of Athleisure. I spent a pretty penny on a wardrobe that makes me feel good inside and I look good on the outside too.

Now I wear a collar, because it centers me in my soul. Because I know what it stands for and there is a very serious emotional connection to the collar itself, because of the man who gave it to me. And the man who sustains me like he sustained me when we had a relationship after I got sick, over twenty five years ago.

Todd. as I Understood Him. Todd knew what to do when it mattered. He knew things that no man or woman I know today, knows. He is the closest link I have to Almighty God. because, when it mattered, Todd was the embodiment and incarnation of God Himself.

And now I am connected to that love in a way that really makes people look at me strangely. They cannot help themselves in giving me what they think my collar means and why I am wearing it.

All of them are WRONG!

As if they have a window into my heart of hearts. No they don’t. Nobody knows the depth of love I have for Todd and He for Me.

Nobody. PERIOD !

I don’t need saving all I need is to be left alone.

Because I don’t want what many alcoholics in my social circle have. I do not have much respect for many men in the room, except my sponsor and the men in the men’s meeting on Wednesday Night.

What can’t you understand about LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE !!!

Just shut the fuck up and keep your comments to yourself for God’s sake. You don’t know, so stop guessing and please for the love of God, SHUT the FUCK UP.

My rage cage has left Miami and is on its way to Montreal.

T-minus 4 days.

The end is so near. I cannot wait !!!

5 thoughts on “I Don’t Need Saving

  1. Hi… I found your blog a while back via the “sobriety” keyword in WP Reader. I’m bit afraid to comment on this, but I feel like you don’t mean to make people afraid, so here I go…. you want to be left alone, you say, but it feels like you send a dual message, when you blog about it (instead of journalling) and leave comments available (instead of turning them off) and wear a giant padlock visible to all (instead of wearing it inside your shirt). I loved your previous selfie and I was happy you explained your giant lock necklace because it definitely caused questions in my mind, as it seems to have caused for the people in your group.

    I think it’s awesome that you dress how you want to but I think that we we dress differently we have to expect curiosity and questions and even gut reactions from those less restrained, and be prepared to deal with those one way or another.

    I loved your description of how this person you’ve “locked” yourself to is representative of “god,” is your closest connection with god; it really helped me (and thus possibly other so-called “straight” folks too) understand the meaning behind your symbols.

    But if we truly want to be left alone, I think we need to be less obvious, and blend in more. It’s like if I wore a giant hat shaped like a tree on my head — should I expect people not to ask me about it or talk about it? I mean, if I want to be around other people in the first place? People are curious and want to understand things. (Which makes it so cool that you explain things here. But then you simultaneously tell us all to fuck off. I do get that. I have it myself. I believe, in myself, it boils down to fear and resentment. Fear of being rejected, and resentment for being judged and possibly rejected by people who don’t understand, maybe don’t want even try to understand, and who are imperfect themselves [i.e. we think, who are they to judge?]. But still, these people — including me, right here, right now — are only doing their best, in that/this moment, based on our previous experience, and current mindset, which basically isn’t perfect, or perhaps is far from it).

    When I was a teen I wore short skirts and high heels (well, it was the eighties). I wore them, I told myself, for *me,* to make me feel good (but really there was something subconscious also at work — i.e. it was to get validation and attention and not-so-subtly proclaim my allegiance to the rock and roll rebel crowd). Fine and all, but I did get a lot of attention for it. Attention which could even be dangerous at times, since I wasn’t prepared to handle it.

    Nowadays, I mostly dress more simply. I don’t want to fend off advances nor even draw attention at this point (in spite of how much I still subconsciously crave validation). It’s just a choice I make. (Also, I like to be able to run freely, not totter painfully lol). Another woman could choose to wear high heels and skirts and actively tell folks to fuck off if they hoot and holler and/or make advances (or handle it just about any other way), and perhaps have fun doing that. It’s all just choices.

    I’m NOT saying that unwanted advances (whether in the form of unwanted commentary or worse) should be “blamed” on what people wear. Not at all. But people are people, and there are all types everywhere, experiencing different levels of consciousness, and so we have to be prepared for reactions if we make ourselves noticeable. It takes two sides to interact. We present ourselves, the world reacts, then we react again in turn. Each individual sentient being in the world has a level of responsibility in the interaction.

    I still take pleasure in dressing up or being different sometimes. But if I ever get any attention for dressing a distinctive way, I realize that I partly brought that attention by wearing those clothes โ€” and the only thing I should thus feel is gratitude for that attention, and/or a willingness prepare myself to deal with any attention in a mindful (or kickass?) fashion, or else I believe I should change what I wear, and make myself look more nondescript. Because if we deal with the world’s reactions in an angry and resentful fashion (even if only internally) it is not joyful. So the self-expression that was meant to bring us energy and joy is then ultimately not joyful (because people react negatively, at least in our perception) and saps our energy. Which seems to defy the point.

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing my thoughts! I’m grateful to have been able to read yours. You’ve really made me think. It brought me awareness of something I knew nothing about before. I love knowing more about people in general, because that helps me understand the world outside my own little corner.

    Maybe it’s the same for folks in your sobriety group, and of course they must care about you. Perhaps they felt unable to express themselves they way they would have liked to, spur of the moment.

    Maybe you give inspiration for them to be more themselves, just as you are being fully yourself. It might take years for it to trickle into their consciousness, so you might not get the positive feedback right away. In the meantime I guess you’ll have to put up with a lot of questions and/or assumptions if you choose to be fully yourself, just as the rest of us do? Something like that.

    As for athleisure wear, I say the world is far better in comfortable living colour, at any age! And youโ€™d look awesome in it! That’s just my two cents though. :))

    xoxo
    Queen of the world’s longest comments (most bizarrelyย on blog posts that clearly tell would-be commenters to fuck off) ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ•บ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿค“๐Ÿ™thanks for sharing, Jeremiah

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    • Hi,
      My alarm clock went off at 5:45 ugh! Thank you for your words. And for sharing about you too. I have heard from some of my friends about this because I share things like this in a discussion meeting. People react because I don’t fit the mold of what a fifty two year old should be, and I get that. Some folks are just a bit more blatant to say something crass, those with much more time than me it seems, as of late. People question what they d0on’t understand and some of my friends try to parse this for me, to me. It is just that, I think, maybe, validation is there running in the background like a dos program? That might be something I did not think of before you said it above. Yes, probably. But the older I got, and the more people I met who make clothes, that I buy and wear from instagram, who are gay themselves, make clothes for gay guys like me, who didn’t necessarily get to dress like we wanted long ago. So that was part of my impetus. I found that when I started dressing the way I did the comments were much more positive, but the longer I do this, the more crass the comments got, in the last few months. I mean, some people just don’t get the comfy clothing memo I guess. Like I said in my post, every time I change something about me for me,some people get really bombastic about my looks, as if I am not appropriate to sit in the same room as them. And I get that too. There are those old timer traditionalists that think me strange, and some are not afraid to say that to me, in a round about way. Todd taught me to be proud of who I am and just DO GOOD,and that’s what I do an a daily basis. I don’t think anyone likes unsolicited advice or comments from people when we do something odd, as in my collar. One of my friends said to me the other night, that’s its not about me, but just maybe I have sparked something within them, as you eluded to in your comment. And that might time to trickle into their consciousness. Most people ignore me for the most part, because only my friends interact with me at meetings. most people nod or just say hello and walk on and sit down, then there are those who blatantly ignore me bcause that’s how they see me. The odd dodo bird in his colorful tights and now a giant lock around his neck and that has thrown people for a loop, for sure. When people here see something they don’t understand or cannot fathom about someone else, they usually react in fear, and judgment, and I get that. Yes, I do bring attention to myself by being that odd dodo bird in the room. But being me, at my age, living the life I hav and knowing I am powerless over people places and things, I should not be surprised when I get the odd off the cuff comment that I don’t necessarily like, nor intentionally went out to seek it, does that make sense? I write my thoughts out here, to make sure I wrote them down as I process my feelings, because most alcoholics don’t like feelings or something that is strange to them, it makes them uncomfortable. (Those traditionalists) Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it very much. I’ve never turned off comments. I am not usually one to delete them either. I think this might be the second comment that went through, and I got it here. I think I might have to check akismet to see if itcaught your other comments you left that I did not see. Will do that. Have a great Saturday, thanks again. Blessings !

      Thought about something else. Yes, Todd is as close as I ever got to God when I really needed him, and He is the closest representation of God, I’ve ever met in person. Todd represents to me God. I don’t know anyone else who has experienced such an interaction. And the lock and chain are representative of the bond between the Dom and his sub. (in our parlance speak) from the leather community I came into and was cared for so well when it mattered. The lock and chain is a very important item of clothing because not everyrbody gets one from their “other” Todd gave me one years and years ago, when he thought I deserved it because i was a mess back them. Straight people don’t know what to think when I wear something that is blatantly Gay, or something from my past they surely would never understand the dynamic of that kind of leather relationship between two men. I guess I should not be surprised or shocked when I get that very odd crass comment, like you said. Yes, I bring attention to myself, but not as openly conscious as if I said to myself, I’m gonna go rock their world today and let’s see what kind of trouble I can cause, because Internally I am just a rebellious gay man who did not get to do this in his childhood. I did when I worked for Todd for sure. He would let me dress, but he warned others not to interact with me for my own safety, because he knew I’d go looking for trouble anyways. But yeah, Todd : Read : God my higher Power. or representative of that power greater than myself in human form. Don’t know many who have met God in the flesh, ever. I have.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for this, I love that you are/were open for discussion and I so appreciate all of your words here… I think it’s hard for us “straight” folks to know how to ask stuff sometimes and yet many of us want to understand. I do think you are helping your community by being the “dodo bird in the room” — I mean seriously, some of the folks I’ve loved most in this world, wether I knew them personally or notย โ€” have been exactly that. Your flow of words is awesome and made me feel very welcome and right at home, thank you, you rock, keep on rocking it, *your* style! (And I’ll try my best to do the same, in spite of preferring to dole out unnecessary advice. ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜) xoxo

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      • Hi,
        I’m so glad you replied. I love talking to folks who read. I’m glad you feel welcome. When ever you want. If you have questions for me, ask away. I will respond. Have a food day.
        Jeremy

        Liked by 1 person

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