What happens when one finds the key and connects with the Power Greater than Ourselves, and then that (God) begins to drop Grace upon you ?
When one finally sheds light on all of us, (read: Me) When after many prod-dings of my spiritual director, to let go and let God, to turn the light on all of the darkness in my soul, and I did, in a process that took me months, I can see, clearly.
When I united a very important incarnation of myself, with the incarnation of myself today, it all began to make sense to me. When I made that final decision, to turn on the lights, and see the light, my life began to reshape itself.
I’ve made a final covenant with my God. And in making that covenant, I made a choice, a choice I am familiar with, because when I entered seminary, many years ago, I had to make certain covenants when I began my studies.
I am familiar with covenant.
I know, as an alcoholic, I am extremely selfish and self centered. And those two character defects, dog me, dog all of us. But the 9th Step Promises, speak towards what life can look like when we get to that point in sobriety.
What I know right now, and can see clearly, in my friends, is this: People know me, and are very leery of speaking to me, about sobriety, or their lives. Because I have enough life experience, at age fifty two, and almost eighteen years of sobriety, that I see what’s going on. I know how people have treated me at crucial stages of my sober journey.
And I know, that I have had to navigate my feelings, and emotions, stone cold sober. When I hit the worst phase of my sobriety, nobody wanted to touch me, the old timers saw me suffering, and saw I was angry, and they were not afraid to tell me, to myself, that indeed I was angry. I was angry at God for allowing 50 kids to get shot and killed in a bar, I used to drink in, when I was their age, back in Orlando.
Nobody, NOT ONE SOBER SOUL, Offered me a solution to my anger. I had to do that all by myself, ALONE.
I was angry at God for a long time. In order to curb that anger, I participated in reading the Big Book, cover to cover, over fourteen months. I stayed sober, and dealt with my anger, Alone. So I know …
I kept doing what I knew to be the next right thing. The direct actions against my own will, as one of my friends speaks about often.
I’m still sober. Now, unified with my God, in every way. My cup is empty, and an empty cup is filled fuller, when that cup is not holding anything, (read: That which we are holding onto in the darkness of our souls).
God can fill that cup now.
I’ve become a rigorously honest person. More than I have been, because nobody is telling me to shut the fuck up, because people know my emotional state when I am angry, they’ve all seen it in real time. And they witnessed that anger until it was abated.
What I see is not good. My kids are suffering. Fifteen kids have drank and used again, over the last three months. Meeting are failing our kids. Old timers are failing our kids.
My Kids won’t ask for help, under the pain of DEATH.
I believe that if we don’t reach out and say something now, that things are going to get a lot worse. My old timer friends WON’T do anything. They tell me, LET THEM FALL. Don’t say a word, let them come crawling to us, THEN and ONLY THEN we will help them, because they will eat humble pie and finally ASK for HELP.
They will go down in flames before admitting that they have hit bottom, and that they need help. Because MANY of our kids judge us, who have long term sobriety. They see us, yet, many of them cannot see themselves in our shoes.
Our kids are MISERABLE.
I’ve been seeing and hearing Misery for a very long time.
I know what misery sounds like.
We heard it again tonight. And once again, I told the truth. People know, that if they ask me for help, that I will give them a plan of action. Work to Do. Steps to work, Prayers to say, meetings to go to, service that must be done, to make meetings work.
Coffee does not make itself, and sure as shit, chairs don’t set themselves down by themselves either. It’s not rocket science.
Over the last five years, I’ve seen many kids come in, and TRY. But not hard enough. And they are miserable. And I ask the question, WHY?
Growth is possible. Misery is optional.
In order to get sober, one old timer said tonight, “One must pay the price.” That price is who we were, and what we had done. The price is paid, in the time and talent we spend in getting sober.
It’s not Rocket Science.
So many people, long sober, sober in between, and sober a short time, so many people are just plain stone cold sober, suffering their character defects, and they are miserable, because they won’t lift a finger to make it better.
Do you want to be a DRY DRUNK or SOBER ???
YOU CANNOT GET SOBER BY WAY OF OSMOSIS.
I just cannot put a book against your head, and you’ll have a spiritual experience, and suddenly be struck SOBER, all at once.
It does not work that way. My kids all know that, yet they would not deign to walk up to me and ask for my plan of solution. That comes right out of the book, as it was written, 80 years ago. The solution is the same, as it was 80 years ago.
Some of us know that solution, have worked the program, and have enough time to be able to synthesize sober words, into a successful plan of action for anyone who wants it.
Sadly, very few people want that solution from me.
I know why.
So I go to meetings and I tell the truth. Hopefully, if I keep telling the truth, someone is going to, in the end, want the help, to GET OUT OF MISERY.
There is a God, but I am NOT GOD.
Sobriety is a process, a painful process. But would you rather be who you were, when you drank, SOBER ? Would you rather remain miserable like you were when you were drunk?
Read Page 52 in the book, and the Bedevilments
Let go the misery and walk across the bridge over the River of Denial.
The proposition is simple.
Read the Book. It says those words on page 112. “Read This Book.”
Life can be full, bigger, happy, joyous, and free.
The choice is yours.
Misery is Optional.