This I Know is True

There is a God, and I am NOT God.

I am pondering God, this morning, because in a few hours time, I will kneel with a woman and pray the Third Step with her, formally, for her first run.

And as for prayer, and God, I know, that I Know God. Intimately. If you have been following along for a while, you know the story of Todd:read:God. God has been a presence in my life, for all of my life.

Many times, along the continuum I walked with God, intimately.

Then there were times, when I turned my back on God, because of my selfishness and self centered-ness. And paid for those character defects terribly.

Eighteen years on, in a few months, I have renewed my spirit. I’ve been sober all this time, and I have learned a great deal about myself, and those I care about. A handful of honest men, tell me the truth, and I respect them greatly for their honesty.

When Todd walked into my life, as a thunderous God, he turned my life upside down, from the very first moment I set eyes on him. He did not disappoint. When he took me in when I got sick, and asked me to simply trust him, with everything I had, I knew he was true.

Every night, for two years, on my knees we knelt together while I sobbed in his arms, because I was so sick, and was destined to die, miserably, like so many others.

His promise to me was simple, as long as I was on his watch, he would do everything he could to keep me alive. Twenty Five Years Later, I still tell this story because he was true.

Todd is true; God is True;. He saved me from imminent death.

Every night, I turned my will and my life over to the care of Todd:read:God. I was getting sober at that time, but sobriety took a back seat to staying alive, in the middle of the maelstrom of AIDS. I did stay sober, despite the toxic AA community I was associated with, and it did not get better, but worse. In the end, I walked out the door, to almost die in selfish pursuits.

Another God shot saved me. Because one angel knew where I was a got me out of dodge and saved my life.

I know, intimately, what the Third Step is, and what it means.

I am now ready to serve God in any capacity He sees fit to give me.

I’ve turned my entire life over to Him, there is not a single part of me that is not standing in the light right now. I made a commitment to my God, a commitment that took me six months to finally get. Six months of inner battling with my darkest demon, ended.

I made the final commitment of chastity to my God.The final piece of my darkest puzzle is now in the light. there is nothing left to hide, nothing to keep secret.

I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him, fully, without reservation or regret. I know where I am going, and what voice I am listening to, in my innermost heart of hearts.

There is true faith. When you get sober, you learn what kind of spirituality you want, because it is your free choice to make that decision. God, as you understand Him. God can be many things to many people. For as many people there are in our community, there is a belief in something that is aiding in keeping us all sane and sober.

It must be miraculous, because I know a lot of down and outers, who are sane, sober and are good people, both men and women.

So I listen to my heart, and I speak to God in whispers. And I wait for what He is going to show me or ask me to do, and I will do whatever He commands of me, whenever need be.

As a teen ager, I made a commitment, to Jesus, to follow Him, and be a soldier for God. That was untenable. The climate was too toxic for a teen ager to carry through with that commitment. Now more than 37 years later, I follow through with that commitment, because I was reminded of a time when I was young, clean, happy, and really, a different human being. Music is salvation.

Lying in my bed, my inner music player, started playing an old tune I remembered. So I came to my I tunes and downloaded two records, which are on my phone now, that I listen to constantly. Reminders of Christianity as a young person, and I was reminded of my promise to Jesus, God, to serve them.

I made that promise to God a few weeks earlier, when I made my final chastity covenant with God. And He followed through with Grace.

Now I am clean. Totally, without reservation. I have no regrets.

There is a choice to be made when we approach the Third Step:

God either IS or He Isn’t. God is Everything or He is Nothing !

What was our choice to be ? It comes right out of the book. It actually speaks these words to us at the end of We Agnostics.

I know God is true. God IS and He is Everything.

I walk in the light as I had as a young man. Faith is my salvation. God is my redeemer. And the maker of my life, and has for my whole life, but most importantly these past twenty five years, when I know God was on my side, because I live, and can tell the story about how I survived imminent death, when everybody else that was around me is long dead.

Only two of us survived that maelstrom. Mark, my friend who lives in Florida, who worked with me, in Todd’s bar, all those years ago, and myself.

He had his path to salvation and I had mine. I had the ace up my sleeve, Todd:read:God.

Had there been no Todd, there would not have been any God. And I would be long dead now. Thankfully, God became incarnate and walked with me, spoke to me, and gave me a life I surely did not imagine even possible, because if you told me then, how good my life would be today, I would have laughed you off the planet.

God Is Good, God is True.

This I know is True.

Locktober is coming

Here is your chance to get some Locktober swag from Tee Spring. If you are joining the movement of locked boys and men, order your swag today and wear it with Pride during the month of October.

My Sweatshirt arrived today in the post. Along with some Nike Color Burst Tights. Finally, they appeared on Ebay. You could not find them anywhere but in the U.S in shops that would not ship to Canada. I picked up a Blue/Black set for good money.

I am beginning to collect warm weather gear for the Fall/Winter Season. Temps are going down into (Tens) this week, but daily temps are ranging in the mid to high twenties.

Lock it up continues. I did some solder work last night, to further secure my Rage Cage, even further. And added some rubber bumper tubing over the solder area, so that it is not rubbing up against my stomach below the belt line.

October 11th will be one month in my Rage Cage. I can’t tell you how pleased I am with this particular cage choice. The weight, feel, and look of the cage is great.

More to come.

Major Surgical Procedure

The problem with metal base rings is this … You see this base ring comes with a partial rubber bumper tubing covering the joint at the bottom of the ring. What I did not count on, was the metal ring, cutting into my skin around the top of the ring. Which was causing me grief.

I noticed it today when I went to shower.

I had to perform a surgical removal of said cage, by removing the solder, and unscrewing the locking mechanism first. It was not that terrible. The solder popped off with the assistance of a wrench, and I was able to remove the cage. I had rubber bumper tubing in my storage box, that I was using for the base rings for the Bon-4 cage, I had used prior.

I took the rubber bumper tubing and slid it onto the Rage Cage base ring, and it went all the way around the ring. I made several attempts to re-solder the end of the bolt set up, failing miserably, and causing myself even more grief. The wide metal solder I was using was not adhering to the bolt/nut end.

The soldering gun was generating heat into the ring itself, which raised the heat level almost to unbearable temperatures. Trying to solder a locking mechanism that conducts heat while you are wearing it, needs to be done “very carefully” so you don’t intentionally burn yourself, where it counts.

I had another metal solder spool in my tool box, a much smaller grade solder wire, that I was able to use successfully.

Should have thought about before:

  1. Metal Base Rings will chafe. And if they are cut in a specific way, they will tear skin at the contact point with the body, above the groin where the ring meets the body.
  2. A partial rubber bumper tube needs to be much longer and cover the entire ring, around from end to end.
  3. If you are using a metal base ring, it needs to be buffered, because long term usage will depend on a comfortable fit.
  4. Soldering between your legs has to be done very gingerly and carefully.
  5. Metal on Metal conducts heat around the entire set up. Have wet washcloth standing by.

Mission Accomplished.

Permanent Chastity Day 3

I know this topic is not what you want to read, and I’ve lost a few readers since I began posting these updates. It is what it is. This is the one location that I can record my thoughts and writings about all things ME.

I received my Rage Cage on Wednesday afternoon, and wore it in regular fashion, with my primary lock, locking the device incorrectly, because the lock provided was too small and it aggravated me.

Thursday after work, I went to the tire to find a solution, because the pin provided was not taking solder. So I needed a fix. I settled on bolts and nuts to solve my locking problem. I used a solid bolt, and three nuts to secure the locking of the device correctly.

I used my solder set, to permanently secure the bolts and nuts. So that the device is now UN-removable. As far as chastity devices go, I’ve tested several devices since April this year. I was asked to test a device from a seller, who came here and found that I was into that fetish seriously. Plastic devices are not for the hardcore user. Even if the seller claims they are inescapable. I just found that device substandard.

I have in my collection, several devices. I now own a Bon-4 Metal cage that is a bit obtrusive and a little too conspicuous. I also have my CB-6000 which is a closed poly-carbonate cage. With this device, cleanliness is a long term issue I found untenable. Using it long term was not an option, after using it for several months.I tested a third device from a seller, that turned out, not to be useful in long term use, because that particular device is only useful when you have an erection. Once you loose the erection, the device becomes useless. That was a bust.

Now I am permanently locked in my Rage Cage. It was the best purchase I have made yet. I love this device. It is a steel cage that has several rings connected from beneath, with a cage on the end, that houses the end of the penis. it is large enough to accommodate, within, 3.75 inches.

The male penis runs on bodily function. When one has an erection, blood flows out of the body, the erection grows, until you complete the deed. Once orgasm is reached, blood flows back into the body, and the flesh also returns into the body. People have asked me, in other forums about this. Once a man exhausts his erection, the penis will shrink in size. And as chastity cages go, men begin with a certain cage, and over time, they change that cage, in opt for smaller cages. I’ve seen several “Bird Cages” that are minuscule. I would not use a bird cage myself.

Once you remove stimulus, and you change your habits, permanent chastity, is not such a huge issue. It really has changed my entire perspective about my life and my choices. I now the device is there, and I know it is permanently locked. I don’t really ponder the thought of sex, or masturbation at all. I made this decision, and I followed through with it, because I felt that it would positively change my life, and as the days go by, I am more solid with this decision. And I feel much more oriented towards the next right thing.

When you turn your entire life and will over to the care of God, as you understand Him, the world is your oyster. I know that right now, I feel better than I have felt in as many years. I’ve never been so in tune with my body, and my spirit. And with God Himself.

I am oriented towards my God, and that is what is driving me right now.

Friday … Thoughts

Friday, Thank God it’s Friday, Friday, Fridaaaaaaaaay !!!

Basking in the afterglow of Thursday’s experience, sharing the book. I called my friend and told him what had happened last night, and today we had a second conversation about it.

You never know when inspiration is gonna hit, because specific spiritual experience is always a surprise. I just know that in my experience, if i wanna see a spiritual experience, I have to go to a meeting, and watch my friends, continue to get sober.

I’ve listened to people read the book, in a meeting setting. Several times. I’ve read the big book, in a meeting setting, several times. It has been my experience, that if I am going through a hard time, in any way, that if I sit in a big book meeting, I am not going to drink.

I’ve used that tactic before, and it worked. What stunned me afterwards, was the number of people who have read the big book, in the same room, decide, after reading said book, to drink again.

We talked tonight about criticism. Whether that be negative or positive criticism. Most people stay away from criticism. And if someone has something critical to say, they usually couch that criticism, in the form of a suggestion.

For the longest time, even as long as I’ve been sober, I always second guess myself. I am my own worst critic. And all along, I go to different meetings, and I share here and there. For a little while, like a year, whenever I would open my mouth, not sure if what i was about to say, was correct, or wrong, or maybe I should just shut up, I would talk. Sometimes just to hear myself talk.

Hoping against hope, that someone, anyone, would give me something ? Anything ?

I don’t know what old timers think about me, or about anything I say in open community. As I said, I share at discussion meetings, and when nobody said anything to me, nor do they even intimate, something in my direction, I have thrown caution to the wind. And I just let it fly.

But I know that before I speak, I’ve done my homework. I collect data in meetings, and then when appropriate, I let it fly. I read the book. I go to meetings. I work with others. I don’t criticize my guys openly, or even to their faces.I take the same tack my sponsor uses with me. If I talk to my sponsor and tell him a story, about me, or something that is weighing on my mind, my sponsor will tell me a story about him, and that story is not necessarily a sober story, but it could be a life story. Within that story, is usually couched a lesson.

With Todd, if he wanted me to learn something, he used work, or a chore, to make his point. Everything I did in that bar, during those two years, there was a lesson couched within my work. Everything I did came with a life lesson, that Todd thought I would need, HAD I reached the point of no return, with my AIDS diagnosis. All the major lessons, were about survival, and self care. He believed that if I could learn to do something that I did not necessarily want to do that was either difficult, or dirty, or repugnant, there was a reason he pushed my envelope. Because in the end, when I succeeded at doing something for him, that if I needed to do something for myself, I would know what to do, if shit got real, or I got sicker, or if my health took a bad turn for the worse.

Gratefully, it did not get that bad. I skated above the fray, that entire period, while people were sick and dying left and right.

I’m still waiting on someone to say something to me.

I recounted to a friend, that when I hit my emotional bottom, after the Pulse shooting, I was angry and upset for a long time. The only thing old timers said to me during that period of time was this: They noticed I was angry, and they were not afraid to point out to me that I was angry. One old timer woman, at a Sunday meeting I used to go to, one night I was setting up and she walked in to my tossing chairs across the room, quite angrily. And she looked at me and said this: “You know you are angry, and I’d like you to leave this meeting and not come back, you are scaring the women.” I left that meeting and did not go back.

Nobody in all that time, offered me one clue to how to cure my anger or get over it. None of those old timers gave me anything about coping with anger or dealing with my anger, or anything sober, that might help me stop being angry in sobriety.

I rode that roller coaster ALONE, for two years, because nobody wanted to touch me with a ten foot pole. Nobody said anything to me. Not a word. In the Big Book meeting I sat in for fourteen months, not one human, gay or straight, said one word to me, in any form suggestion or criticism, i walked this road all by myself. Until the roller coaster came into the station and stopped.

That is a thing. I guess he fact that I am good, in sobriety. I am fully engaged, doing service, going to meetings, reading the book, I try not to be self centered, or egotistical, or arrogant or angry, people just leave me alone. So I am doing the best I can, with everything I have, and everything I do in sobriety.

I work my ass off, unlike many people I know in the rooms today. they will all show up, because I have keys to every meeting I go to, and I am the one who sets up and makes coffee, several times a week. They know the room will be ready and the coffee will be ready when they get there. The only criticism I would get is this … “If the coffee were to happen to be late, or the urn of coffee was not good, you bet your ass, they would say something about my coffee.” You know you’ve arrived when someone tells you that your coffee is shit !

Lastly, I know I’ve lost some readers, over the past week. because of some of the information I am posting here about my personal life and choices. That’s ok. I get it. Chastity is not a topic people want to hear about, or about my former sex life. Suffice to say, I’ve been permanently locked for two days now, and I’ve had my rage cage for three days. I love this cage. And I love that I am so good with my decisions. it has totally changed my perspective on life and my surrender.

I’m really in a good place.

God is good. In all things.

If I know I’ve done a good job, I don’t need to hear from anyone. And I do a good job, all the time, to the best of my ability.

Goodnight.

Why Chastity – Part 2

If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have thought you mad. Are you serious, you wanna take my most precious practice away from me, No Way !!!

I had been talking to a friend over the years, well, two of them actually, in our leather men community, and both of them, are attached and they play around, and both of them, within a space of a few months, got the chastity bug.

Because chastity is all the rage in the Leather/BDSM/Master/Dom/Mistress community.

If you think the gays, have the market on Chastity, you would be WRONG! Because the straight community has a huge stake in Chastity. I’ve tested gear for straight sex shops over the past few months, and I know many Mistresses who use chastity with their bois. They have taken a fetish and really run with it, seriously. Fetish crosses the divide between the gay community and the straight fetish community.

Back when I worked at the bar, there were very few Mistresses who came out with us, but while I worked in a sex shop for a friend in Fort Lauderdale, I learned all I need to know about vibrators and sex toys from a Mistress names Miss Carla. She was a gem of a Mistress and a very kind soul to me when I really needed it. She taught me a lot about women and sex and all kinds of other good natured topics we used to chat about often.

I said this before, but if chastity had become a thing, in the nineties while I was working for Todd at the Leather Bar (The Stud), that would have taken off like wild fire. I mean there was simple idea and construct for chastity back then, but not like it is right now.

Todd is the only Master I will ever know, and a good thing too. I’ve seen too much abuse in as many years, and Todd was not that kind of man. I’m sure, if he had it, he would have employed it with me.

Chastity is a form of submission. And submission, in my opinion, is something I craved for a long time, and I needed, for a long time, and Todd was the Master I needed to submit to. I would give my life for him any day of the week.

I’ve studied this Fetish/Way of life for months now, and I’ve read all the blogs I can, and have researched this topic intimately. Men and their boys, Mistresses and their bois, Masters and their subs.

I would have never thought that chastity would become such a driving force in my life, but it has. In the beginning I gave up my keys to my best friend, until I hit that medical wall. Then he went away for the summer, and I was bouncing between the CB-6000 and my Bon-4. Then I added The Curve. Now I am back in my CB-6000 until later this week, when my Rage Cage arrives and I go full bore Permanent Chastity in that steel cage.

You know, taking porn out of the equation, and turning to chastity to force me to stop focusing on my dick is life changing. The main focus of chastity is to rewire your brain, to stop touching yourself, and give your desire to touch yourself over to your Dom/Mistress. Or give that control over to your key holder.

One small drawback for me, is that I am Diabetic and HIV+. So I have to keep a close eye on my body and the problem with the CB-6000 is that it is a closed cage, that one has to remove at least weekly to clean. And because my body is specific in what it can do, I have to be on top of it 24/7.

Which is why I chose the Rage Cage to go full bore, because it is an open cage and I won’t have the attendant problems as with my CB-6000.

In the beginning I couldn’t wrap my mind around 24/7. But the longer I wore my cage, the less often I touched myself. And the longer I wore my cage, the less I thought about touching myself.

Now, I have no desire to touch myself, because that physical pathway has been rewired. And once you remove the stimulus for masturbation, that is almost all of the fight. Remove the stimulus, and rewire that pathway, and your desire to touch yourself begins to disappear.

I don’t think about sex as often, because I know I am locked up. And you know what also? I have so much more free time to do other things, things I like to do for myself, in a good way. I don’t think about my cage, and for a long time I forget I am wearing it, because it has become a normal item of my wardrobe. Once I get the Rage Cage, it will all be over. Finally !!!

For us in the leather community, sex was a given, I mean that’s why we “coupled” with someone. And like I said, if cages existed back then, in that particular venue of men, it would have been all the rage. For Sure !

In order to curb ones sexual appetite, you take away that which feeds it; Your Dick. The more time you spend in chastity, the more you are apt to focus on the one Mistress/Master/Dom who holds your key and the fate of your dick in their hands.

It heightens your sexual desire, for when you are unlocked or when you next have sex, the longer you stay locked up, the better the next time you get to orgasm. In the beginning I did not remain locked all the time, because I had not gotten over masturbating just yet.

Once you take off the CB-6000 and you masturbate, the chances of getting back into it are slim, then I had to revert to the Bon-4 and then back to my CB-6000, what a nightmare. And at some point I just bit the bullet and deleted the stimulus from my life, and locked into my CB-6000 for the haul until my Rage Cage gets here in a few days.

So I’ve been locked, for a few months now, 24/7. With no breaks and no cheats. Since I’ve removed the porn and the hard drives and the web sites, like I said, I am MUCH MORE focused on my life and other things I was not doing, now that I have A LOT more free time to myself.

I cannot believe all the time I was wasting editing, and filing and fooling around with myself, it is just incredible.

If you’ve got a problem, and you want a solution, we here are all about solutions, be they addictive or sexual. If you are in a Dom/Mistress relationship, let’s chat. If you are in a chastity relationship, tell me about it.

If Todd were here, I’m sure he would approve. Because in my heart of hearts He is with me all the time, every day, every minute I am still breathing.

If I can change One Life, as Todd told me to do so, then, I have done my job as His Boy …

I will always be His boy …

Why Chastity ? Men …

Come on men, let’s get honest for a spell.

How many men out there, Jerk Off, Choke the Chicken, Slap the Monkey, or just simply, Masturbate?

Is a daily event, a multiple daily event, a really heavy daily event?

How many men out there, look at Porn ? I’m talking to YOU Straight Men, not only the Gay Men who might read this blog. Is Porn just the action taken when you choke your chicken, or is Porn a little more ingrained in your daily activities?

How many men out there, have film editing software on your computer, and do you use that editing software to edit, said Porn, you consume? And if you edit said Porn, how much Porn do you have on your hard drive, or do you have extra external hard drives connected to your desktop to house said Porn?

For you straight men, those who are married, or even for those single guys out there, is Porn part of your sex life with your wives, or significant others?

If you are like my parents were, what they did inside the house and even outside the house, was radically different from what they did behind their bedroom door. Were talking BDSM … My father had a book that I found on a bookshelf in our house at one point titled “Hurt Me Please.”

If sex is an issue, does it include Porn, or Not ? If sex is not an issue, as in, you don’t have sex, or your sex life is not what you wanted or expected, or your partner/significant other suffers from a mental condition that has just wiped sex from your proverbial plate, do you masturbate to make up for the fact that you don’t have sex

a) as often
b) not as often
c) it’s non-existent?

The problem with my own sex life is this: My husband is Bi-Polar. And this began over 14 years ago, after he suffered a break down and ended up comatose on the sofa for eleven months. The doctors gave him so much medication over the primary dosing period, all that toxic medication wiped part of his brain away, and we never saw it again.

What does one do when you remove passion, human touch, and sex from the equation? For most men, that would constitute divorce proceedings. Even for our women who read here, Porn is just as equal a “thing” as it is for the men. You don’t get a pass in this conversation.

We might have had sex, a handful of times, in the very beginning, but now, sex is the GIANT White Elephant in our living room.

My husband likes to Masturbate when I am not home. That’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve walked in on him coming home from work or a meeting a few times. He like to roll joints on my desk as well, not anymore though. We just don’t talk about it, nor do I want to talk about it. Mental illness does a serious harm to sex lives.

We don’t talk about sex, at all. I have my sex life and he has his. And as long as it does not infect any other portion of our marriage, that’s all and well for me.

I turned to masturbation because sex is non-existent. But after so many years, masturbation got boring and only repetitive, and I needed to just fucking STOP ALREADY. So I did.

The fact that we don’t have sex, just reinforces my desire to go it alone, and do my own thing. Which I have done for the whole of our marriage. Even in sobriety.

People who suffer addictions, it usually just isn’t One Thing. I have heard Bob tell me that when he went into rehab, his intake counselor told him that “If you have a problem with One Thing, you probably should not do Anything.”

Sober men, talk about sex A LOT. They talk in secret, though NOT in a meeting setting. Sex is an undercurrent that electrifies the men in my community. Newbies want to have sex, and we tell them, no relationships in your first year. What do I tell them instead?

If you have to get off, then choke the chicken.

That advice is a double edged sword, because if you have an addict in your midst, it might not be just drugs and alcohol, it might well also be Pornography.

With the dawn of fast internet and the various choices of porn online, I don’t know a single man, who I know, who does not employ porn, in their spare time. They just don’t tell me how often they choke the chicken.

But if you ask any man if they masturbate and they answer NO –

YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING !!!!

So advising on sex issues is not something I do a lot. I listen more than I talk. Only my best friend and I speak of, and practice Chastity. It’s not something you tell your friends in a meeting. Oh I have a chastity device, do you wanna try it on for size? Um, NO !!!

One of my guys and I talk about everything, i talk about everything with all of my guys, but more specifically, one of my young guys, I’ve been working with for a couple of years.

At the end of Spring, pornography became a topic of conversation, and so we did not talk about it much but after a little while, we both realized that Porn was more of a problem, and I took that thought to bed with me for a few weeks, until I had that prophetic dream at the end of March, and that dream gave me a solution.

For the life of me when Chastity rose out of nowhere, and some of my friends had chastity cages and were playing around with it, I was like
“HELL NO Nobody’s going to take my dick away from me … “

I put chastity, in the I’ve seen it in action, but not for me, file.

Fast Forward to April 1st, this Spring. All that changed.

The chastity run began for me, it came a month later for my best friend.

We nipped his problem in the bud, and my life has changed in ways I never imagined. I’ve eradicated my Porn habit. I’ve removed all my Porn from my computer, and I’ve been in chastity since April the 1st 2019.

Chastity is a simple device. Some of them can be very pricey, but if you know what you are looking for, and you do some homework for yourself, once again, you need to know where to look, I can help you there.

I’ve spent a fair chunk of money on several devices, for myself and one for my friend, which he paid for at the end of his run, because the CB-6000 runs $200.00 CAD. And the BON-4 runs $180.00. My Rage Cage ran me $115.00.

If you want focus, If you want some down time from touching your dick, if you want to stop masturbating, or masturbating so much, or you just need a break from a possible addiction to internet porn, then chastity might be for you.

Ask Me … Don’t be shy, we are all men and women here.

The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that there IS a problem.