There is a Spiritual Axiom, that comes in Step Ten, that says:
“That every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US.”
Tonight, was the second pass through Step Ten, as it is October, and the tenth month of the year, hence, we spend a month working Step Ten. We hit this passage last week, at my men’s meeting, and I had the same response I did tonight.
I disagree with this Spiritual Axiom.
I write a tenth step every night. Sometimes it is not perfect, because much of what I do is never perfect, and is a work in progress. I learned a long time ago to allow people to do what they are going to do, say what they are going to say, and treat me the way they are going to treat me.
I give you enough rope to hang yourself.
I may not be the best sober man in the world, but I sure as shit, do not treat my fellows the way my fellows treat me. I’ve never been unkind or uncharitable with my friends. In fact, I go above and beyond with anyone and everyone.
Over these many years, I watched people do what they are going to do, and say what they are going to say. And for me, I am honest, to a flaw. I really don’t hang on to resentments. Because I don’t waste precious mental energy and space on people.
So, like I have said about this spiritual axiom, that I don’t agree with … If you piss me off, I will tell you that you pissed me off, plain and simple. AND if you are an asshole, you better believe that I will share my opinion of you that “YES, You Are an Asshole.”
Do you know how many assholes there are in the rooms of AA in Montreal? Do you know how many straight men carry the moniker of asshole? Do you know how straight men treat me in group settings, on retreats, and especially when we share meals?
Do you know how many alcoholics reached out to me to try and help me when I went through the worst period of my life in sobriety, a few years ago? NOT ONE.
Do you know the alcoholics who asked me to leave a meeting, because I was a bit too emotional for the women in the meeting, and that I was scaring them, and please, could you leave this meeting and not return?
Do you know how many alcoholics spent any time trying to help me learn how to cope with devastation and anger after the shooting of fifty young people in a bar I used to drink in?
NOT ONE !
nobody offered me a single bread crumb or intimate that they were interested in helping me get better. No, rather, they watched me suffer for more than a year alone, by myself.
So the Spiritual Axiom says that if I am disturbed, no matter the cause, there is something wrong with ME? Are you fucking kidding me ?
I met a man from Miami today, visiting the meeting I went to after dinner today. He just happens to be a member of the Coral Room, where I got sober the first time, when I was very sick with AIDS, and someone asked me to speak, and so I spoke that night.
100 men had gotten up and went and waited outside for me to finish. Then one of them had the Gaul to say to me: “We don’t condone people like you. Leave this meeting and Never Come Back.”
I told our visitor that story after the meeting and all he could say was, “How Unfortunate.”
Yeah, I drank over that statement. I returned in 2001 at SOBE. And I asked him if he went to SOBE, and he replied, No I don’t go there, I try not to go to that meeting hall. I was like, well, that’s where I got sober after that crash and burn out of the Coral Room.
I’ve got some time, and I also have an honest view of my peers and what they do and what they say in front of me and to me.
After the meeting wrapped up tonight, I was unceremoniously told that I was inappropriate in meetings. I do not dress appropriately. And because of that, I should really dress down for meetings, because women won’t walk up to me to get a beginners chip, if I am in sports wear. I was told my dick was showing too much.
Funny how many people are consumed with the way I dress and the size of my DICK !
I’m really getting fed up with my fellows, and how I have to change who I am, and how I dress, and what I am wearing, and what jewelry I decide to wear in public. I don’t care what you wear, or the jewelry you wear, or how you look. I really don’t give a shit.
But people have proven to me over the past few months how prudish they really are. And how sensitized they when they look at me and right off, judge me for what they believe I am trying to say, statement wise, by my dress and choice of jewelry.
FUCK ME !
I’m not playing this game any longer ….