Spiritual Axiom

There is a Spiritual Axiom, that comes in Step Ten, that says:

“That every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US.”

Tonight, was the second pass through Step Ten, as it is October, and the tenth month of the year, hence, we spend a month working Step Ten. We hit this passage last week, at my men’s meeting, and I had the same response I did tonight.

I disagree with this Spiritual Axiom.

I write a tenth step every night. Sometimes it is not perfect, because much of what I do is never perfect, and is a work in progress. I learned a long time ago to allow people to do what they are going to do, say what they are going to say, and treat me the way they are going to treat me.

I give you enough rope to hang yourself.

I may not be the best sober man in the world, but I sure as shit, do not treat my fellows the way my fellows treat me. I’ve never been unkind or uncharitable with my friends. In fact, I go above and beyond with anyone and everyone.

Over these many years, I watched people do what they are going to do, and say what they are going to say. And for me, I am honest, to a flaw. I really don’t hang on to resentments. Because I don’t waste precious mental energy and space on people.

So, like I have said about this spiritual axiom, that I don’t agree with … If you piss me off, I will tell you that you pissed me off, plain and simple. AND if you are an asshole, you better believe that I will share my opinion of you that “YES, You Are an Asshole.”

Do you know how many assholes there are in the rooms of AA in Montreal? Do you know how many straight men carry the moniker of asshole? Do you know how straight men treat me in group settings, on retreats, and especially when we share meals?

Do you know how many alcoholics reached out to me to try and help me when I went through the worst period of my life in sobriety, a few years ago? NOT ONE.

Do you know the alcoholics who asked me to leave a meeting, because I was a bit too emotional for the women in the meeting, and that I was scaring them, and please, could you leave this meeting and not return?

Do you know how many alcoholics spent any time trying to help me learn how to cope with devastation and anger after the shooting of fifty young people in a bar I used to drink in?

NOT ONE !

nobody offered me a single bread crumb or intimate that they were interested in helping me get better. No, rather, they watched me suffer for more than a year alone, by myself.

ALONE !!!

So the Spiritual Axiom says that if I am disturbed, no matter the cause, there is something wrong with ME? Are you fucking kidding me ?

I met a man from Miami today, visiting the meeting I went to after dinner today. He just happens to be a member of the Coral Room, where I got sober the first time, when I was very sick with AIDS, and someone asked me to speak, and so I spoke that night.

100 men had gotten up and went and waited outside for me to finish. Then one of them had the Gaul to say to me: “We don’t condone people like you. Leave this meeting and Never Come Back.”

I told our visitor that story after the meeting and all he could say was, “How Unfortunate.”

Yeah, I drank over that statement. I returned in 2001 at SOBE. And I asked him if he went to SOBE, and he replied, No I don’t go there, I try not to go to that meeting hall. I was like, well, that’s where I got sober after that crash and burn out of the Coral Room.

I’ve got some time, and I also have an honest view of my peers and what they do and what they say in front of me and to me.

After the meeting wrapped up tonight, I was unceremoniously told that I was inappropriate in meetings. I do not dress appropriately. And because of that, I should really dress down for meetings, because women won’t walk up to me to get a beginners chip, if I am in sports wear. I was told my dick was showing too much.

Funny how many people are consumed with the way I dress and the size of my DICK !

I’m really getting fed up with my fellows, and how I have to change who I am, and how I dress, and what I am wearing, and what jewelry I decide to wear in public. I don’t care what you wear, or the jewelry you wear, or how you look. I really don’t give a shit.

But people have proven to me over the past few months how prudish they really are. And how sensitized they when they look at me and right off, judge me for what they believe I am trying to say, statement wise, by my dress and choice of jewelry.

FUCK ME !

I’m not playing this game any longer ….

Odd Conversation

There were protests all over the city today, and into this evening’s rush hour. I was not sure if my bus would be disrupted, so I left a little early.

I arrived at the church plenty early. And as I began my set up ritual, the choir director stepped into the kitchen and I opened a conversation with him, inquiring about this years crop of choir singers. He said the best people had returned this year, but the entire group of singers were very good.

I went on with making coffee and went into the hall to set up my tables and chairs. He followed me into the hall, and stood by and watched a bit, before he launched into the next portion of the conversation about the rooms, our kids, then on to myself.

We spoke for a while, but I had plenty of time to finish. The Choir director is “family” and he was intrigued that I spent a year in seminary back in the states as a young person. I told him the long and short of homosexuality in Catholic Seminaries and what my experience had been.

After while, he grabbed the lock around my neck, after figuring that I would talk some more about me. He asked if I was trying to send a message, and I responded Yes.

I told him the full story about where I came from, and how I got here, and how one man changed my life and saved it in the same breath. And why i was wearing said chain around my neck. He was enthused by my willingness to talk about very personal thoughts about my life and my experience as a gay man.

It was the first time, a stranger has engaged me in honest conversation, that was not judgmental nor negative.

I know the choir director because I see him every week and we have pleasant conversation whenever we see each other.

It stuck me odd that the conversation took place. I was unprepared for what was coming, but after while, I realized that he was safe to tell my story to, because he is gay as well.

A good way to start a Thursday night.

In the Grand Scheme of Things

Attempting to find where you exist, in the grand scheme of things, is a tall order.

Sobriety is not an event, but is ongoing. If you want to be sober, one must employ the cocktail of “sobriety” that is placed at your feet, (the Proverbial Tool Kit.)

If you focus on only some of what you are told to do, and you ignore the other parts of what you should do, at some point, you will find the imbalance, and there is a chance you will drink again, because the book does say … “The Alcoholic Will Drink Again.”

We read from Into Action tonight. The context behind the portion we read, is finding that one human being that you can be totally honest with. This chapter comes as we sit for our Fifth Steps.

I’ve found very few people, in the rooms, with whom, I can be totally honest with, in all things. There aren’t very many straight people, or for that matter, Gay folks, who have ever intimated that they were interested in anything I had to say, step work or other.

And for the last little while, unfurling the Lotus Flower is the order of the day. Lorna likes to say that “peeling an onion,” is unattractive to her, she’d rather, unfurl a lotus flower. A lotus flower sits on a pad on the mud. And unfurls all its petals. Sobriety is like that lotus flower. All the good and bad, the resentments and the short comings, are there. At night, the lotus flower folds up, and each morning the flower unfurls all its pretty petals.

I’ve been shedding parts of me, that I have uncovered, that are objectionable. Those parts of me, that I’ve been ready to look at honestly, with new eyes. Ridding myself of other behaviors, not just the alcoholism, or drug addiction, the rest of me is still there. And at some point in sobriety, we find that we’ve come to the point that we are spiritually ready to do some heavy lifting.

I’ve shared this portion of my journey with two people. My Elder Spiritual Director, and my best friend, who is participating in Locktober with me. When you take away, the ability to act selfishly, and you take away the portion of self will run riot, one begins to see the world and our place in that world differently.

I’ve known where I sit in the grand scheme of things for a very long time. When I got sick, I was a mess, in every way possible. To sort out my brain, and my “all over the place” emotions, Todd gave me the one tool, that changed my life and saved it, as well.

I was to leave my monkey brain at the door. And when I entered the bar, the only thing I was to think about, was what I had to do, on any given night, and Only That.

Serving others, Alphas, Betas, Subs, Masters, Doms, was what I was told to do. My job was to be the best at serving others, to the best of my abilities. It was my job, at times to welcome visitors, singers, celebrities, you name it. I’ve met my fair share of famous people in my life, this goes for in sobriety as well.

My Master Todd, never gave me a title. He never called me by any other name than the one he coined: “Little One.”

I worked, night after night, for one thing. To make sure, that my efforts at whatever I was doing, did not go unnoticed. That was a harsh lesson, for sure.

In the end, I learned that if you go to work, you do the best job you can, with everything that you have, and IF you do that very good job, you won’t need anyone’s approval or accolade.

Every night, in Sobriety, I work. I have keys to several churches in Montreal. I have those keys, so that I won’t have to wait outside for anyone else to open up a room. because when it is (-20c) outside with snow on the ground, one does not want to have to wait on anyone top come and open whenever they wish to.

Last Fall I worked my steps. I am working steps with new folks. I have my guys I work with and meetings I go to and also, meetings I serve as trusted servant.

I know my place in the grand scheme of things.

In certain circles there is a term for that position. I know what it means for me. I have had enough time to sit and ponder my place in the world. I know who I am today, and the role I play in the lives of my friends.

Yet, there is only ONE person, who I am intimately honest with.

Back in April, when Chastity was introduced, it took a month, for my best friend to realize and accept that he was the other player, in the prophetic dream I had, that initiated this phase of life. He accepted chastity willingly. And spent 100 days locked up. Along with myself, here in Montreal. At the end of that run, he admitted why he wanted to be released.

Honestly, all he wanted was to meet a girl and have sex.

Well, since that day, that event did not come to pass. Our world is still being reorganized. In September, I handed him my keys for my rage cage. He agreed, again, willingly, to participate in Locktober. We are on Day 10.

We meet every Sunday to discuss progress, and to share where we are spiritually, mentally, and physically. On Sunday night we spoke honestly. And I brought up, his past goal, and he admitted that yeah, all he wanted was a selfish pursuit.

He then asked me, if I took off my cage, would I be able to not touch myself, without it? Honestly, I told him, No Guarantees. He tends to think that chastity is a short term decision. Because he is not in the same space I am. We are two different men, with different inclinations, and orientations.

I know, that I would rather keep my cage on me. And I’d rather he keep my keys, so that I don’t have the choice to take my will back, and act selfishly. He said, “well, I know, sex is all around us, all of the time.” You cannot escape societies, bent towards sexual gratification. If you don’t feed the wolf, it starves.

So which wolf are you going to feed ?

All I know right now, is this. I know my place, in the grand scheme of things. And I know what I have to do. I’ve been talking to friends in my social community. Each person I have spoken to recently, tell me the same observations they are realizing. We concur on several points.

My Best friend also asked me if I had an End Goal? I told him I did not. In my world, there is only progression and change, and that progression and change are not short term goals, because sobriety is not a short term goal, sobriety is for life.

Coming to grips with who I am, knowing that my spiritual director has told me, himself, that I am right where I need to be, and that I’ve made progress in my life, spiritually. I kind of know where God is, in all of this, and as long as I follow my spirit, then at some point, God will tell me what I need to know, and what I need to do next.

Intimate honesty is key. Having someone, you can be intimately honest with, can change lives.

May your name be Inscribed in the book.

G’Mar Chatima Tova …

Selfish Motives

There are times, when I think only about myself. There are times, when my heart is pounding out of my chest, and I know this feeling well, it is the feeling I get when I decide to act on selfish thoughts, and I act, entirely in self mode.

Several times, in the past few days, I’ve had that chest pounding feeling, that always precedes a selfish motive of selfish action.

Tonight, prior to the meeting starting, i was sitting in my chair, friends in the room were having conversations, that did not include me, because I was sitting across the room from them, and I sat there, and entertained the chatter in my head.

For about twenty minutes I sat there, uncomfortable, and in my head. That feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest was present. Like I said, I know this feeling. Whenever I sit and ponder selfish motives or selfish action, I feel it.

We were talking about feeling things, rather than thinking them, on the way home.

I made a decision. And now I have to live with that decision. I should know that if I made a decision, based on Godly counsel, that I really should stick to that plan. Because I also know what happens when I say to myself, I know better than God. It is then, when I become God, in my head, and in my motives.

And I know that I am Not God.

I am in Locktober. So even if I wanted to act selfishly, I cannot.

That does not assuage the feelings, I sometimes have, that my body says, fuck that noise, just take matters into your own hands, and Act, On, Self.

You know what happens when you take your will back right ?
We Do Stupid Things.

And I know, God is watching me. He knows, everything, even before I think it.

We spoke about God tonight. Bill, in As Bill Sees It, talks about God an awful lot.

And I told my friend, on the way home tonight, that we haven’t seen any really militant anti God folks come through the room as of late. They’ve all Come and Gone. None of them have returned.

And I spoke my story about God to the room.

I know my Higher Power, Whom I choose to call God.

I relate this story….

When God wants your attention, he whispers, once.
If you miss that first whisper, He whispers again.

If you miss the whisper for the second time,
He hits you over the head with a two by four.

If you miss the third hit, of that two by four,
He drops a brick wall on top of you.

The two whispers came, and I did nothing, to intimate that I heard them.

A few weeks ago, I was in bed, and the third hit came, a very vivid technicolor dream.
I knew this was the third pass. And I knew that if I did not heed the suggestion, that was Divine, that I would definitely pay the price.

I know what it feels like to have the brick wall fall on top of me.

It has happened in the past. And I have avoided that happening because I usually listen to Divine inspiration.

I remember sitting in Westmout Square sobbing as a huddled mess. I knew, very well, that on that night, God dropped the wall on me because I did not listen nor pay attention.

I know God well enough to know when He means business.

Because I have that kind of relationship with my God. He does not play games with me, because in the past, I played games with Him. He cuts me no slack.

If I want to fuck off on God, I know, I will definitely pay the price for that Fuck Off.

Sometimes I just want to act on selfish motives.

And I know I cannot. For a couple of damn good reasons.

God either IS or He ISN’T. God is either Everything or he is Nothing.

God Is, and God is Everything.

These things I know are True.

Locktober Begins Tonight

Locktober began tonight. I met my partner in crime and gave him his chastity device that he paid for over the summer, and he is locked and loaded. He calls it, “All for the Better” practice. After surviving his 100 days over the summer, a count of 33 days is a piece of cake.

I reset my device tonight, prior to leaving. Adding a little added incentive for myself and re-locked, not that I needed to re-lock, because I had been locked for the last month in my Rage Cage.

The twist this time is that my best friend has my set of keys, for my device, and I have his set of keys for his device. Both are locked. neither can escape, because neither of us have the keys to unlock our devices.

Being locked is one thing. Giving a key holder your keys, is a whole other challenge. Giving up total control to someone else, is what every chastity man aims for. There is no challenge in chastity, unless you give your keys away to a key holder.What’s the challenge if you have your keys and can unlock and touch yourself, if that’s what you want to do?

For the next 32 days, we will see just how focused we both become. My best friend at his coursework at school, and my sober life, as it is lived.

Now that I have the optimum cage I really wanted, with the lock I wanted to lock it, I am satisfied with my choices. I have a couple of things coming in the mail, a larger base ring and an additional piece of jewelry that will be used once we get to the end of the month.

In the meantime, stay tuned, More to come.

Finding the Right Lock

Tonight we read the Seminal Most Important reading in the book, Page 417 …

Acceptance IS the KEY to ALL of my problems.
Nothing happens in God’s World by Mistake, Nothing …

When the chair announced the reading several of us GROANED with emotion. And my friend sitting next to me said to me … “AH Jesus, this reading AGAIN?”

I know that if I have a problem with anyone around me, the real problem lies within me. And I have to stop and look in the mirror and see where I am at fault. I’m really not a control freak, because I know how that goes. But I do have some truth.

I was once told that
“Just because you have time, does not necessarily mean you are sober.”

It took me over twelve years to figure out what that meant. I have endeavored to have done the necessary homework to be able to speak clearly, with conviction, and truth. Because sometimes we have to tell the uncomfortable truth, even if it hurts.

I went to the meeting tonight, to find one of my kids. Whom I fear, has used up his nine lives and I fear, the next time he might decide to go down his rabbit hole, that he won’t make it out alive. And I so badly want to try and help him.

But my friend Josh said to me after the meeting, that I need to let him come to me, if even that might happen, because our kids won’t ask for help, and we must allow them their free will to chose what they wish to do. But it was a good thing he took several newcomer chips in the last week, so he knows to come back.

I cannot save my kids unless they want help. I cannot force sobriety on them, because the greatest sin is this:

“To get in the way of anothers spiritual journey.”

All I can do is hope. I asked another friend who had seen my young man the other night, to text him my phone number. now it is up to him to use that number, and soon.

Let Us Pray …

LOCKTOBER

Last night I had a coffee date with my best friend. Wearing my really cool, “Team Locked” sweatshirt. He had a good laugh at me. He could not believe that I would wear it out in public. Not that many people have any idea what chastity is, and why we would engage in this practice.

Suffice to say, he will be participating with me in Locktober.30 days to refocus our brains away from ourselves, and onto much better things to do, like helping others.

This morning I went grocery shopping and stopped in at The Tire to see if I could find a better lock for my rage cage. I could not stand the pin and small lock that was provided. And the pin hole on the wings of the base ring is wide enough to accept a much larger lock that would fill the pin hole and not give the cage the ability to come apart.

I did find that lock, it is much larger than the original lock. Now I have the cage I want, that is the best choice I had made yet. I have the proper lock I want to secure said cage.

Over the past month I have been talking to my guys in my Chastity community, and they have given me sound advice. Full time chastity is a nice thought, but not viable in the long run. Because once you hit a certain age, (read: Your fifties) one must be careful to avoid Prostate Cancer. Because once you hit fifty, doctors will begin testing you for prostate cancer. The older you get, the better the chance you will develop a problem.

Making sure you “Cleanse the Pipes” every so often, will lessen that chance of a build up of fluid that can react with your biology and problems arise.

Too many of the gay men I know, in the rooms, have all had cancer. And I watched them navigate their choices. One of those men died last year. And there are just a few of them left, alive. Many of our older men have had Cancer.

I don’t need Cancer. I have enough problems of my own.

I am powerless over people, places, and things.
There is a God, and I am not God.
I cannot save every kid I would like, even if I wanted to.

Acceptance is the key to All of my problems.

I Can’t Save Every Kid !!!

I’m terribly upset tonight. I don’t know what to do now. I’m angry. The beginners group I had my meltdown at a couple weeks ago, failed another kid.

There is a young boy. A Hard Core drug addict. He is always by himself, though he shows up, weekly. I didn’t see him the last time I was there. Because I took my leave immediately after said meeting.

I don’t have a drug story. I did not use hard drugs, so I Cannot say those words:
I know how you feel, let me tell you how I dealt with that …

This young man, when he goes down the rabbit hole, goes to the bitter end, and usually ends up in the back of an ambulance. He has been in several rehabs, and still, he hasn’t kicked the habit, totally.

Tonight I gave the chip away, and wouldn’t you know it, he got up and took a chip and said that he had a moment a couple nights ago, depressed he said those words: FUCK IT !!

Used, and ended up in the back of another ambulance.At least he showed up and took another chip. Sadly, he was on the cusp of a year clean and sober.

That meeting failed another kid. None of the old timers in that meeting will lift a hand and offer help. They just sit in piety listening to misery and woe.

I can’t save him. I don’t have the experience to make it work. I don’t know if I have it in me to go down that road, knowing what I am dealing with. I know the story, and I don’t have an analog.

Fuck me.

I’m terribly disappointed. This young man is number 15 …

He could have died, again. And nobody has lifted a finger to help him.

I said hello when he walked in, odd that he would show up tonight. He usually doesn’t come to the Thursday meeting. But he was there for a reason. And in the end, it was me that handed him his next beginners chip.

What am I supposed to do now

Addiction is a life and death business. This is not a joke. And people who can help DON’T.

FUUUUCK !