Tuesday Thoughts

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I stepped on the scale, a few minutes ago, and it read: 151 lbs. My diabetes doctor had told me that in order to reach optimum numbers of 6’s and 7’s, that I would probably have to up my insulin, one click a day, to reach them. This morning I clicked 25 units.

I have been hitting steady 7’s in the morning, depending on whatever I had eaten inside the 12 hour window from post dinner to morning. I’ve dropped 10 pounds in the last week.

When we began this little “I think I am looking a little sexy” project in February, originally I had lost 10 pounds, down from the 187 back in November. When I realized that I actually lost weight, for the first time in forever, it only jump started my desire to regain sexy. Because I had not felt sexy in as many years.

I had stuck with frumpy acceptance that I would never shed my “pear shape.” I have shed that frumpy “pear shape.”

Since February, I have only worn pants twice. I have one serious wardrobe full of sporty tights and shirts. The other night, Thursday, I was at a meeting, and had I not extended my hand several times, nobody would have noticed me sitting in the room.

At the end of the meeting, one of the old gay buzzards, whom I have known my whole sobriety, got up from his chair to participate in the final prayer, stopped in front of me and gave me one serious look up and down, as he shook his head in dismay, as if to say,
“Why are you dressed that way?”

Need I explain to people who have not been inside the arena with me over the last year?

NO.

People don’t seem to understand that this is my party. And that I don’t accept that the older I get, the frumpier I should look. I’ve been at this physical fitness regimen and Keto diet since February. I’ve lost 36 pounds as of tonight.

That is a small child.

My gay friends are more critical of me than my straight counterparts.

Because I am not one of them, nor do I wish to be.

This holiday season, I am not doing anyone any more favors. I am through being kind to people who don’t reciprocate, and just blindly expect me to give because that is what I have done since I got sober.

If I don’t call my friends and fellows, my phone won’t ring. If I don’t make the out call, nothing gets done, save two sponsees.

They, call me every day.

I go to meetings. I participate. I do service. I give of myself.

People don’t seem to know what reciprocation means and how that works.

Because everyone assumes that
“Oh, Jeremy will do it, so I don’t have to worry about stepping up.”

Not this year …

Thanksgiving is just 19 days away.

Christmas is 97 days away.

Egg Nog is being sold at grocery stores. One of my mentor men’s wife went grocery shopping last week and brought home a jug of Egg Nog, and he tweeted the picture, which ended up with him being interviewed by the CBC in Alberta and made the National News.

I haven’t seen Christmas decorations yet. But that could change at any time.

Fall begins this week. My favorite season of the year.

The turning of the trees, the falling of the leaves, and the very first snowfall are, for me, almost religious observances.

More to come.

Wednesday: Diabetes … What’s New ?

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On Tuesday afternoon, a Micro Burst ran over the city.

In a matter of FIVE minutes, yes, FIVE minutes, entire sections of the city were FLATTENED to the GROUND.

Trees, Houses, Buildings, and Cars were CRUSHED …
Lights were knocked down, electricity was out for thousands of people across the island.

Parks with CENTURY old trees that have stood for ages, were snapped like twigs and scattered all over the ground, in the road and on sidewalks.

On my way to the doctors office, in NDG, one of the hardest hit areas of the Western section of the island of Montreal, when I came OUT of the Metro (there was electricity in the tunnels) and walked the 100 yards to the building where my doctors are, there were entire TREES down IN THE STREET, blocking traffic and the bike lanes.

The power was out above ground. And the building I was going to was working on emergency generators for elevators and lights. We sat in the dark because there was little light to be had.

That was a thing …

My new doctor, a very kind and funny Lady doc, took over my file a month ago. She is a specialist with combined knowledge of HIV and Diabetes and Triglycerides.

I had begin Insulin about two months ago. And we began at 10 units, that was followed up with a trial of twenty units, which failed. I could not handle the rise in insulin so fast.

We settled on 19, which funny enough, worked.

I was on 19 units a day for a month. I’ve been on Trulicity once a week, and Invokana daily. I dropped labs on Monday. And my A1C was at 13.

I gained 5 pounds and am sitting at 167. FUCK !!! Keto Diet is still in motion.

I was warned that Insulin will make one hungry and when one is hungry, one eats.

Not that I have been eating junk, mind you. I haven’t. But I did add some lunch food daily that is palm sized portions, which is, by my nutritionists rules, acceptable.

I suffer from mild lipodystrophy in my tummy, that I can’t seem to break, my ass is just fine, thank you very much. But I am eternally, a little bit pregnant …

We dropped the Invokana, because new data has shown a prevalence of shorter longevity and a rise in amputations of lower body parts.We added Jardiance, a drug that is in the same class as Invokana. With less amputation fears.

This morning I hit an 8 in my morning stick. Not that I have been checking my blood for the last month, MY BAD… ugh !!!

Anyways, she wants me to hit 6’s or 7’s in my morning stick. And to that end we are going to start insulin at 20, that was this morning.

I will check my blood every morning. And if the number does NOT go DOWN, we tick another unit up, into the pen, until we hit the optimum number of 6 or 7.

There is room to increase insulin safely.

However, when I stuck my insulin this morning I got one serious headache. It was massive, and I took some meds and took a nap, hoping it would go away.

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My triglycerides have come down from 15 to 7. Still not out of the woods, as my doc would like, she wants them lower. UGH ! Still 7 is a good round number.

We are trying NOT to add any more drugs to mys system unless medically warranted for one reason or another. There are drugs that can be prescribed to lower my triglycerides via further drug treatment.

The Insulin (TouJeo) I am on, brings those numbers down naturally. So while that is working ever so slowly, we are going to stay the course.

More to come.

Tuesday: Perplexed !!!

 

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Last night I got on the scale. Something I don’t usually do, but I did. Down from 178 pounds just a few months ago, I can proudly say that I am sitting at a stable 150 pounds, thanks to the Keto Diet.

That is 28 pounds, GONE from my body …

A small child, really !

I am beginning to feel it in the core of my body, the tightness of my abs, and my tummy. There is a definite reshaping going on inside my body. I had not noticed it before.

I am certainly feeling good about myself. My friends, not so much.

Some of my friends believe that I am going through some mid-life crisis of some kind. Others think that I am too flashy for words, and one of my friends says, about me, that I am, the best color coordinated motherfucker on the planet.

Yes, Everything I wear is color coordinated. Every pair of tights, pants, shirts, and my shoes, are ALWAYS color coordinated. If you looked in my closet, you would see that there is a rainbow of color to choose from on a daily basis.

I’ve said before that 90% of Feeling Good is Looking Good.

A long, long time ago, when I was yet a man, in those years that I was working for Todd, I knew I looked good. In my little leather outfits, chosen specifically, to woo my paying customers on the other side of the bar to pay up for cheap liquor, I would always dress that part, of that boy, they knew they wanted, but without Todd’s permission, could never touch.

If you added a specifically colored Hanky to the mix, eyes would widen and the game got very interesting for sure. I loved playing that game.

One particular night the Brick Red Hanky Crowd was circling the bar. I saw that going on. I went to my locker and had the corresponding signals. I put on those signature items, and went back to my bar, fully locked and loaded. One particular Big Man, he had BIG hands, came up to drink. I served him willingly. He took one look at my ass, and my corresponding hanky, and he looked back at himself. Raised his hand in front of me and made a fist.

I grinned mischievously. Signal Sent…

Todd forbid me from contacting any man in the bar. He was my Protector and Master. He also forbid guests from touching me physically. They all knew I was off limits. But Todd always told me that I could dress any way I wanted, so long as it did not interfere with my job, either behind the bar, or in the crowd. I dressed the part each and every night. I have recorded all those particular stories in the PAGES section of the blog down below.

Sadly, I must admit, that my sex life, to date, has never risen to the level of the experience I wish I had had. Because Todd knew better of me, and he also knew that if I was ever allowed to cross that invisible line into sexual activity, I might have lost my life. The night Todd and I met, he read the deepest part of my little lost soul. And in that moment, he knew, that I could get myself in a heap of trouble if he allowed me to seek the darkness.

He forbid that darkness entirely. For my own salvation…

He loved me entirely. And I loved him entirely. Lock, Stock and Barrel.

He knew our guests better than I did, until I learned that truth for myself.

A handful of my young friends, did INDEED lose their lives because of certain men in the crowd.

Sex, Exotic Drugs, and Alcohol were no match.

Desire was one thing, dangerous sex is entirely another beast.

Three years would pass until this stage took place, when I had access to life saving medication. I had survived my death twice over and moved to Miami for treatment.

In the beginning, when I was very sick, I was STICK thin. I was wasting away, like many of my friends had, during those times. At one point I got a medicine called MEGACE.

It was a liquid medicine that one took a shot of every day. Over the following months I went from 90 pounds to over 180 pounds. I more than doubled my body weight, my doctors hoping that FATTENING me up would eventually save my life.

A body with bulk was less likely to fail, as medical intervention began.

The sad result of fattening up, was that my body shape went to POT.

Literally.

I was sober, for a while. I was not sober, for a while. Then I got sober again …

For this little while.

I had resigned myself to my pear shape, with a belly of fat, that for the life of me, could not figure out, how to reshape. I had accepted my fate to be a fat rendition of healthy.

My drugs have done me famously. The great numbers were part of my life equation. The state of my body was another.

I have not felt, SEXY, like I felt SEXY at the age of Twenty Six – through Twenty Eight.

I am beginning to feel sexy, again. This is a feeling I chased for a long time, until it outstripped me, and left me in the dust.

When I was a kid, I could not do certain activities, or wear certain clothing, or certain shoes. My parents had rules about my looks, even when I was playing sports in school.

To this day, I have all those things my parents once said, I could not have. I am the man I want to be. There are certain items, I feel one must have.

  • One must have clothing, all season clothing.
  • One must have shoes, I have a small collection, of all weather sneakers, boots and winter wellies.
  • One must have clothing that makes you feel good, sexy, and alive.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating.

All of my friends, ranging in age, dress according to their sensibilities. One of my friends, is thrifty like me. He shops like a fiend as I do. And his attire speaks to that. So he knows what kind of man I am, based on what I wear to meetings.

My Older friends, are, let’s face it, FRUMPY !!!

I abhor frumpy.

It might be good for my friends, but it will never be part of my attire.

A good friend of mine, is so perplexed with me. She just cannot wrap her head around the way I chose to live my life. She is the one who believes I am amid a mid-life crisis, the truth is, I’m NOT.

I always believed that this was My Party.

I’m not drinking my way to success. I am dressing my way to success.

Fifty is just a number, and does not necessarily reflect the way I see myself today.

I know what it felt like to stand behind the bar, and turn heads, and not have to say a single word. Usually, I would first, walk around the bar, and see where people were, in their heads, regarding the way they were dressed.

I would go backstage, to my little locker, that was always fully stocked, and I would put together the appropriate outfit that mimicked the guests in the bar. In fact, it was a direct response to the messages they were sending to one another.

I knew that language well. And I used that language to my advantage.

I don’t hang out in gay bars today. I don’t club either. And I sure as shit would never visit a sauna, here in the city. (READ: THERE ARE MANY SAUNAS) to choose from.

But with my terrible body, nobody would ever look at me.

My friends get to participate in my little life changing attitude and my looks.

The language is partly the same idea, but it isn’t, totally, in the same breath.

I could sit my friends down and explain the intricacies of Leather Speak, but that would give too much of my mystique away.

I enjoy keeping them guessing …

I’m not crazy. I’m not in crisis. I just want to be me right now.

And this is me right now …

Spring Cleaning – Fresh Things Up a Bit

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Last night, I went across my social media accounts and the blog, and got rid of all kinds of old information, photos and material.

You will see, today, the fruits of that late night effort. The blog has been scrubbed of old and outdated personal information. The photo log on the sidebar has been freshened up with new images, reflective of where I am in my life.

The last week of March, I began the Keto Genic Diet. Next week is the beginning of May. I will accrue two months and a little longer on the diet. At the end of May, I drop labs across the board. This Keto Diet, removes sugar, carbs, sweets. soda, and junk foods and moves towards an entirely new dietary regimen.

I continue to drop weight. Hence the sporty tone of the blog and my present state of mind. A gym and exercise schedule has been added to the dietary regimen. I am hoping that this change of lifestyle has changed the insides, as I was told they would, if I adhered to the diet religiously.

I’ve updated the Gravatar and updated the About Me section on Gravatar and above in the About Me Page up top.

The march towards fifty continues. As it goes, every day it feels a little more comfortable and this new way of life has been working well.

People are noticing the changes in my looks and my figure. This week people have been commenting to me that I’ve seriously changed physically, and they all tell me that I’ve never looked better in as many years.

Something seems to be working.

It is not too late to change your life.

My friends all care about me, and when it mattered, they spoke to me and told me that I needed to make some changes in my life. And I listened to them.

And now we are here, today.

Thanks to all my new subs and my dedicated readers to the blog.

“Because without you, I am indeed, talking to myself …”

Joey Elias, CJAD Comedy host.