Who really has our best interest in mind ? Our parents, our family, our husbands, or our wives ?
It has been said that NO is a complete sentence.
If you have heard these words spoken, you know who I got them from.
She is very famous.
As children, our parents are supposed to do the right thing and keep us safe, to keep us from personal harm, and from making mistakes. When my parents said the word NO, it came with usual violence that followed.
I reflect that as a boy, listening to my parents talk among their friends, I learned a great deal about what was coming. The abuse heaped on me was high, and that usually coincided with something I heard them say.
I knew right from wrong. Obviously. Disobedience was usually met with abuse, from both my father and my mother. Alcoholism was the fuel.
I’ve often said that, and I repeated this story earlier tonight, with one of my guys, that as a teen ager, I was an upstanding citizen, employee and friend.
I had the right friends, I had the right jobs. But that all changed when you introduced alcohol into my life. Then, everything went out the window.
I forgot …
How many of us forget things when we drink ?
Alcoholism followed me out into the world, and was waiting to take me down, on the first occasion I walked into a club and drank. Coming out, as I did, IN a club, with the people I wanted around me, with the right music, and experience, made that night epic. And it was.
Nobody was there to say NO. Never, ever.
From twenty one, until I hit twenty five, No was not part of my lexicon.
Until the night I walked into that bar, unawares of who was watching me then. I got my drink, took a stool, and sat down, surveying the environs of that little hole in the wall. It was definitely rough and tumble. And I was definitely looking for rough and tumble.
Then Todd stepped out of the shadows and made his entrance, said hello and changed the course of my life. I’ve said before that encountering Todd, in my memory, was akin to meeting Almighty God, Incarnate.
Because in time, I would seriously need God.
Todd knew I was looking for trouble, and in one cursory inspection of me, inside and out, he figuratively said the word NO.
That was the first time I reflect that thought, here. I’ve never said that before and had not thought of it before.
I got my way into his employ.
My drinking followed.
After a crash and burn suicide experience, and trying to drink myself dead, for the first time, both Todd and Bill, sat me down and tried to get me some much needed help. Suicide survivors meetings, will make anyone drink more than they had originally started with.
A year later … On July 8th 1994, the world caved in on me and I was diagnosed with AIDS. Told to go home, kiss my ass goodbye, and wait to die.
I called Todd home from Provincetown and I told him I was gonna die.
He said and I quote …. NOT ON MY WATCH !!!
Over the next 46 days, I attempted to kill myself.
On the 46th night, drunken and in a coma in a club parking lot, Todd appeared with my friend Danny. That night, Todd definitely said the word
“This has got to stop. And I am going to make it stop, if it kills me in the attempt.”
As a young gay boy, nobody had ever said the word no to me. I could command, just about anything. Alcohol, Drugs, Sex …
Nobody ever denied me my pleasure, because, I was young, tanned and good looking.
Give someone AIDS, and UGLY goes deep to the bone.
You don’t know what it is like to go from Hero to Zero in twenty four hours flat. To have your family, your friends, and your boyfriend, go running for the hills, never to return, or support you.
I was alone. But was I really alone ? NO
Todd was the only human concerned with keeping me alive. I said this earlier tonight, He could have chosen anyone else in that bar, to save. He chose me. Don’t ask me why, but he chose me.
If I had to hazard a guess, I would call that Divine Intervention.
These stories are all stacked in my PAGES —> over there.
The discussion of the word NO has been on going for the last month, or short a month by a few days.
Todd knew what I needed. He was the only man on earth who knew that kind of information. The day he told me that I could, and should trust him, I knew I could trust him. Implicitly.
He never spoke a cross word to me. He got angry for sure, many times because in the beginning I was willful, arrogant, and stupid.
I learned quickly, that if he looked at me directly, and I saw how either BLUE or GREY his eyes were, told me all I needed to know, without a word spoken between us.
I told my friend tonight that NO is a complete sentence.
We are lucky in this life to be able to count, just ONE other person, in our life, the one who has our best interest in mind. Today, I am that one person for a few people. As is my husband for me.
In reality, my husband does not hold a candle to Todd. They are completely different people. Todd’s role in my life was EPIC. And I will never see that kind of EPIC again.
Many nights, Todd said NO to me for one reason or another. And over time I trusted everything he said to me, as if it was God speaking wisdom, because if you look at me today, and wonder why I am still alive?
There are only two possible answers: Todd read God.
I knew that obedience was key. I learned that early on. In our dynamic leather relationship, I was obedient to one man, Todd.
He kept me safe from myself. He kept me safe from everybody else. I was on a very short leash, so to speak, AND I was sober too. Or getting sober.
The Fidelious Charm he erected over the bar worked its magic.
I spent many, many hours, inside that charm filled space. It became the proving grounds for life lessons, love lessons, and survival lessons.
All that Todd was and is today, is deep within me. Every word spoken, every lesson he taught me, every ounce of love he had for me too. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I can even pat myself on the back if need be.
I don’t need anyone to do that for me today.
Confidence, Humility, Compassion, Love …
The day I said goodbye to Todd, he said these words to me ..
If you do one thing, in this life, you will help another human being the way I helped you. You must carry forwards good fortune and love. Because if you don’t, I was a waste of time.
Todd, for sure, was NO waste of time, or effort, on his part.
It has been many years since the last time I spoke to Todd, but I have. I don’t have his number any longer, because it is filed on an old hard drive that is sitting in a box, in my bedroom.
You never know when GOD is going to step out of heaven and grace your life. Will you know it when it happens?
We are connected to all that is, by the particles that make us human. Those biological building blocks that began the universe UP THERE !!!
A little bit of the universe is found within each of us. Deep within the make up of our bodies. The universe, UP THERE, is filled with the building blocks of life, OUT THERE. It seeded the earth and human came to be.
So that little piece in us, is directly connected to the whole of the universe. We are connected, by invisible umbilical to the universe Out There.
The universe is always listening. For we are connected to it temporally.
The universe knows what we need before we think it. But the universe respects our free will, it never imposes itself on us. But gradually entices us with breadcrumbs, and Angelic, and Godly counsel.
We should be so blessed to recognize God when He shows up.
I know God. I’ve met Him, in the flesh. He spoke to me, He cared for me and kept me alive, to do, this … To talk about Him and what he means to me, to certain people in my circle.
I’m still alive. There is no question God had something to do with it. However, in the thick of dying, I never thought about God, I thought about Todd. Because it was Todd, who had my best interest at heart.
And I would love to think, if he met me in the flesh today, he would be pleased with the man I became.
There is a God, and I am not God, and my navel is not the center of the universe.
If you don’t have humility for the simplicity of life, you loose…