In the Grand Scheme of Things

Attempting to find where you exist, in the grand scheme of things, is a tall order.

Sobriety is not an event, but is ongoing. If you want to be sober, one must employ the cocktail of “sobriety” that is placed at your feet, (the Proverbial Tool Kit.)

If you focus on only some of what you are told to do, and you ignore the other parts of what you should do, at some point, you will find the imbalance, and there is a chance you will drink again, because the book does say … “The Alcoholic Will Drink Again.”

We read from Into Action tonight. The context behind the portion we read, is finding that one human being that you can be totally honest with. This chapter comes as we sit for our Fifth Steps.

I’ve found very few people, in the rooms, with whom, I can be totally honest with, in all things. There aren’t very many straight people, or for that matter, Gay folks, who have ever intimated that they were interested in anything I had to say, step work or other.

And for the last little while, unfurling the Lotus Flower is the order of the day. Lorna likes to say that “peeling an onion,” is unattractive to her, she’d rather, unfurl a lotus flower. A lotus flower sits on a pad on the mud. And unfurls all its petals. Sobriety is like that lotus flower. All the good and bad, the resentments and the short comings, are there. At night, the lotus flower folds up, and each morning the flower unfurls all its pretty petals.

I’ve been shedding parts of me, that I have uncovered, that are objectionable. Those parts of me, that I’ve been ready to look at honestly, with new eyes. Ridding myself of other behaviors, not just the alcoholism, or drug addiction, the rest of me is still there. And at some point in sobriety, we find that we’ve come to the point that we are spiritually ready to do some heavy lifting.

I’ve shared this portion of my journey with two people. My Elder Spiritual Director, and my best friend, who is participating in Locktober with me. When you take away, the ability to act selfishly, and you take away the portion of self will run riot, one begins to see the world and our place in that world differently.

I’ve known where I sit in the grand scheme of things for a very long time. When I got sick, I was a mess, in every way possible. To sort out my brain, and my “all over the place” emotions, Todd gave me the one tool, that changed my life and saved it, as well.

I was to leave my monkey brain at the door. And when I entered the bar, the only thing I was to think about, was what I had to do, on any given night, and Only That.

Serving others, Alphas, Betas, Subs, Masters, Doms, was what I was told to do. My job was to be the best at serving others, to the best of my abilities. It was my job, at times to welcome visitors, singers, celebrities, you name it. I’ve met my fair share of famous people in my life, this goes for in sobriety as well.

My Master Todd, never gave me a title. He never called me by any other name than the one he coined: “Little One.”

I worked, night after night, for one thing. To make sure, that my efforts at whatever I was doing, did not go unnoticed. That was a harsh lesson, for sure.

In the end, I learned that if you go to work, you do the best job you can, with everything that you have, and IF you do that very good job, you won’t need anyone’s approval or accolade.

Every night, in Sobriety, I work. I have keys to several churches in Montreal. I have those keys, so that I won’t have to wait outside for anyone else to open up a room. because when it is (-20c) outside with snow on the ground, one does not want to have to wait on anyone top come and open whenever they wish to.

Last Fall I worked my steps. I am working steps with new folks. I have my guys I work with and meetings I go to and also, meetings I serve as trusted servant.

I know my place in the grand scheme of things.

In certain circles there is a term for that position. I know what it means for me. I have had enough time to sit and ponder my place in the world. I know who I am today, and the role I play in the lives of my friends.

Yet, there is only ONE person, who I am intimately honest with.

Back in April, when Chastity was introduced, it took a month, for my best friend to realize and accept that he was the other player, in the prophetic dream I had, that initiated this phase of life. He accepted chastity willingly. And spent 100 days locked up. Along with myself, here in Montreal. At the end of that run, he admitted why he wanted to be released.

Honestly, all he wanted was to meet a girl and have sex.

Well, since that day, that event did not come to pass. Our world is still being reorganized. In September, I handed him my keys for my rage cage. He agreed, again, willingly, to participate in Locktober. We are on Day 10.

We meet every Sunday to discuss progress, and to share where we are spiritually, mentally, and physically. On Sunday night we spoke honestly. And I brought up, his past goal, and he admitted that yeah, all he wanted was a selfish pursuit.

He then asked me, if I took off my cage, would I be able to not touch myself, without it? Honestly, I told him, No Guarantees. He tends to think that chastity is a short term decision. Because he is not in the same space I am. We are two different men, with different inclinations, and orientations.

I know, that I would rather keep my cage on me. And I’d rather he keep my keys, so that I don’t have the choice to take my will back, and act selfishly. He said, “well, I know, sex is all around us, all of the time.” You cannot escape societies, bent towards sexual gratification. If you don’t feed the wolf, it starves.

So which wolf are you going to feed ?

All I know right now, is this. I know my place, in the grand scheme of things. And I know what I have to do. I’ve been talking to friends in my social community. Each person I have spoken to recently, tell me the same observations they are realizing. We concur on several points.

My Best friend also asked me if I had an End Goal? I told him I did not. In my world, there is only progression and change, and that progression and change are not short term goals, because sobriety is not a short term goal, sobriety is for life.

Coming to grips with who I am, knowing that my spiritual director has told me, himself, that I am right where I need to be, and that I’ve made progress in my life, spiritually. I kind of know where God is, in all of this, and as long as I follow my spirit, then at some point, God will tell me what I need to know, and what I need to do next.

Intimate honesty is key. Having someone, you can be intimately honest with, can change lives.

May your name be Inscribed in the book.

G’Mar Chatima Tova …

146 Days … And Counting

I have the boots, lots of boots. I have the collar, and I have my chastity.

I am complete.

We are now going to discuss a Taboo Subject, reader beware !

I’ve been locked for a total of 146 days, and counting.

For the longest time, I never understood what the rage was, about gay chastity. I had friends who took to it, right from the outset, when chastity began as a very simple kink. A few years ago.

I thought to myself, nobody is gonna take away my freedom to touch myself whenever I wanted to.

How naive I was.

I had a prophetic dream on the last night of March. And the next morning, April 1st, (of all days), I took it as a very serious warning, and I acted upon that dream. And my run with chastity began. I called my best friend, and we met for coffee, and I gave him my keys.

The run began.

Over the last 146 days, I have collected several chastity devices, to see how each of them worked. How they fit. And if they could be worn, long term.

Meanwhile my medical problems began to happen, in the middle of my trial period, and I had to take two weeks off to treat a very serious infection, that could have done real damage to my nether region.

Mischief Managed.

At the start of summer I bought two chastity devices, back to back. One for me and one for my best friend, who is straight. He took to it, and achieved 100 days in chastity, to break a bad habit. He came back earlier this week a changed man. He learned a lot about himself, and his abilities to do more than he ever thought he could do, meanwhile kicking a nasty habit.

On Monday night I ordered my final chastity device. The Rage Cage, which will become my final device, which will turn into permanent chastity, when it arrives.

Phase Three of my purge took place last night, as it is after 6 a.m. on Thursday morning. I took down all my external hard drives and shoved them into my file cabinet, so I don’t keep certain material on my desktop computer. All my storage is off site.

I’ve realized that at this point in my life, I really don’t care for labels any more. I’m terribly disillusioned with the gay community of men in my social circles, who want nothing to do with me. This is not about me, but more about them.

That’s not my problem.

I’m coming to the realization that the less I touch myself, and the longer I stay in my cage, the less I want to touch myself, in a sexual way. With hubby not been interested in sex in more than 12 years, I had to take matters into my own hands, for the duration.

Since my chastity run began, my life has changed.

I regressed into Todd:read:God.

As soon as I put on my collar, I knew what I needed to do, and how to do it, and who to listen to in my deepest heart of hearts. Todd taught me all that I needed, and in speaking to him recently, he reminded me of that, and also that he think of me often, and he spoke to me during our short conversation, in the language I understood.

I understand Todd.

I live my life by his rule, My Master’s rule. Fuck everyone else.

Chastity for me is a reminder of who I was, and who I am. It has brought me clarity and wisdom. Because everything I know about Being good, and Doing good, began with Todd. And that is where it will eventually end.

When the Rage Cage arrives, it will be soldered on permanently. I won’t have to worry about touching myself again. And I really do not miss it.

Since I am purging that side of my life, by my own hand, I know where I am going.

Being locked for so many months, has afforded me the ability to re-orient my life, my values, and my choices. I see wisdom in the act of submission and of chastity. It is not just a kink, or a fetish for me, it has become a way of life, that strengthens my resolve and gives me clarity.

I don’t have to worry about my “mister” or “self gratification” because lately I’ve realized that porn and jacking off has become boring.

The same shit – different night.

Microsoft helped in this area, by killing off my 2012 Movie Maker program, since they are not supporting it any longer, they wiped it from the entire internet, when they forced out their own Movie Maker 2019. THAT you have PAY for, to get rid of the huge watermark the trial product puts on your videos, if you don’t buy the $50.00 subscription.

Since I don’t have a movie maker, the decision to eradicate porn out of my life was easier, because I am no longer able to edit whatever I download. And with that shut down of a program, led to the shut down of porn sites I used to haunt. Bad habits sometimes die easily.

Phase Three is complete. I’ve eradicated bad habits. I’ve cleaned up my life in that area. So it’s all good.

USPS has said that mail will begin moving out of Florida today, due to hurricane Dorian, the mail had been stopped across the state, for obvious reasons. Today my package should begin moving North.

Phase Four will be the grand reveal.

Coming soon. But maybe not here.

Lotta Birthdays Today

Tonight my friends sat with me at the men’s meeting and we celebrated my birthday together. However my sponsor is in Vermont, but he called to wish me a happy. Nobody believed I was fifty two today. My much older friends are too kind in saying that I sure as shit do not look fifty two and I certainly don’t dress like a fifty two year old man.

I was standing outside the church with a friend and he commented that I don’t seem like I want to really grow old. He is right.

I got a call at 9 am this morning from my friend Juan, then made a date to have coffee with a new friend. He and I see things very much the same when it comes to the book and THE WORK. That conversation lasted two hours.

I came home for a bit, and my Elder Friend Spencer Skyped me surprisingly and this year, instead of his banjo, played happy birthday on his guitar. Nothing like an Elder Serenade for your birthday.

With a few hours to kill, we watched some tv, however my favorite tv news host was MIA again today. I was like, we can turn the tv off now, because I really don’t care what anyone else has to say about current events.

I departed early with cake in hand for the meeting, and arrived well before the business meeting was to start. We end the month tonight with the Seventh Tradition. Money and Spirituality.

It was a lively discussion of all things money from a sober perspective of men who are much longer sober than I am. The one perk, one of my friends and I have today, is that we both read Our Great Responsibility. A book of compiled talks given by Bill W, and a few others, including Lois, his wife, at the General Conferences from 1940 until Bill’s death in 1971.

The archivists in New York General Service Office, took all of the talks Bill W gave, that had been taped for posterity, and lovingly transcribed them all in a book form. Reading the book, I was struck very deeply with the knowledge I now have of just how important the Non-Alcoholic and the Alcoholic Trustees had for the fellowship, even back decades before I was ever born.

Bill said repeatedly that, We Can’t Screw This Up. The fellowship MUST Survive, and go on, for time to come, because several times they all mention US. Us as in the unborn alcoholics who would come after they were long gone. It was so beautiful reading the words of someone who cared deeply that the fellowship would be here, when each of us would need it.

It also tells the story of the struggle to get the first edition printed, the squabbles about money, and property, ego and of Humility. It was not easy, by any stretch what took place, but in the end, here we are.

And I could not be more grateful for those men and women who served General Conference and took such care to make sure the foundation they had lain down would survive for those of us who are here today, all over the world. They had not a clue, how the fellowship would blossom all over the world, in so many languages.

There were a whole group of us celebrating birthdays today. Who knew so many of my Instagram contemporaries shared the same day together, along with a family friend’s son Noah, who turned a bright nineteen years old today. I’ve watched Noah grow up from his earliest years when I became friends with his dad. He was just a small boy when I met his dad. Now he’s a bright, smart, good, and kind young man, like his father and grandfathers.

I don’t know if fifty two is any different than fifty was, and I probably won’t know for some time, until I get a little hindsight to look back on this day. Which is why I am writing it all down before I go to bed.

I lived, the boy who Lived. Thank you Harry Potter.

More to come, Goodnight.

Violence in Sacred Spaces

Al Noor Mosque Christchurch New Zealand

I’ve waited for the dust to settle to speak about recent events. Violence in Sacred Spaces is not an issue that happens in other places, other countries, other provinces, other cities.

Here in Quebec, Alexandre Bissonette walked into a mosque in Quebec City and killed six worshipers, praying in their sacred space. The Muslim community is still reeling from that violence, because it happened again.

This time, New Zealand was the country where peaceful men and women lived, because they felt safe, and accepted by the people of Christchurch, a little over a week ago, a man walked into Al Noor mosque, and a second mosque and killed fifty people and injured many more.

I think to myself, violence in sacred spaces is not new. Dylan Roof walked into a Christian church and killed indiscriminately.

I’m not sure where the notion of killing people in sacred spaces began, I cannot recall, by my memory, where this line of attack was delivered to the masses, that killing of religious people was an acceptable choice.

TODAY … here in Montreal, in one of the most hallowed religious churches in Montreal, St. Joseph’s Oratory, on Mount Royal, a priest was in the middle of saying mass in the main sacred space, where worshipers gather from all over the world, and from our own community, a man walked up to him, during the commission of saying mass, and stabbed the priest in broad daylight, in front of a church full of innocent people, and tried to kill him.

Thankfully, the video shows, how people in the church jumped in to part the two men, and to save the priest from death … The elderly priest was rushed to the Montreal General Hospital, with non-life threatening stab wounds. He was later released, is in good shape, save a little beaten up by the experience, saying … He wants to go back to work, in a place of peace.

I was raised in the church. I served Holy Mother church for many years, and I thought serving the church as a vocation was going to be my lot in life, but God, had other plans. I know today, through considerable reflection about God, He knew the location was not right, nor were the people in that place. I know this today.

Today I serve my God, in many capacities, through the rooms of recovery, and with my friends and fellows. This is the life I always wanted, but it took a turn down a rabbit hole to get here.

I studied Religion and Theology in University and I have two sacred pieces of paper, who attest to my knowledge and my educational abilities.

I just don’t understand what drives people to walk into a sacred space and kill people. I mean really, you could choose any location to do that kind of murder. I believe it is some kind of shock factor that people get a rise out of killing in a church or a mosque, as if to say,

NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE, ANYWHERE !!!

That is just sick and demented.

It saddens me every time we hit this act of terror, where ever it may happen. The battle of the religious groups is historical. It goes back millennia. I mean the world began with conquest and religious strife.

The world moved from rags to riches, because men with religious leanings, got on a boat and traversed the oceans, only to find, indigenous peoples, living their lives, as they did, only to arrive, approach, and kill. So that they could plunder their riches to fill their coffers back at home, and to become filthy rich.

Some by sword, Some by war, and for the most part, by disease.

Indigenous communities all over the world, a millennia ago, were decimated by disease, brought to the new world by the conquerors of Holy Mother Church. Millions of people died, in the first scourges of religious warfare of sacred spaces.

In Europe, the battle between the three monotheistic religions, they being Christianity, Islam and Judaism, built, lived, fought and died, to bring their superior religion to an area, and conquer people into submission.

Killing in Sacred Spaces is not a new proposal.

There is really nothing we can say, as a whole that will make a hill of beans difference, because governments sit on their hands when it comes to logical process of stopping mass killings.

But New Zealand has done something the world over were gobsmacked by. In SIX DAYS, out from the double mosque killing, New Zealand, passed a common sense gun control measure, banning military type guns from New Zealand.

SIX DAYS … Imagine what the rest of the world could do in six days, if we had the resolve and the backing of governmental parties, if we ourselves could make this kind of resolution, and make it stick.

SIX DAYS !!!

We mourn the loss of our brothers and sisters in other places. We pray for them and their communities and their families.

If we were able to say, Never Again, and make it stick we would. But that is just not possible, because crazy, gun nuts, fucked up people are still out there. They just need the right dog whistle blown in their ears, and they too, may one day, commit another heinous act of terrorism.

Killing has to STOP.

We must act, NOW.

Let us pray for our departed brothers and sisters.


Fifty One … Made It Another Year

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“… They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.”

We Agnostics, page 51.

Tonight, we ended the month of July, with me in the chair, and we talked about God, Prayer, and Faith.

One over arching comment I heard from my friends is that for many of them, the thought of God, the practice of prayer, the admission of humility and the profession of faith, is a natural part of who they are.

They don’t necessarily “think” about God or Prayer, or Humility, or faith, every minute of the day. Those constituent parts of who they are present in everything that they do, every day. These parts are, in and of themselves, separate, but are unified in a single thought … Presence and Service.

The old story rose in my mind as I sat and listened. And I told it again. Even if my friends have heard me tell this story over and over.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away … Cue the Star Wars Theme …

God has been an integral part of my life, for the whole of my life. Memere and Grammy made sure that I knew of God, and that God loved me.

Memere, one day, when I was very young, took me to church and presented me to God, standing on the altar of that church, where she had a conversation with God, about me.

That visual is burned into the back of my mind.

I served God to the best of my ability, to the extent that in my second year of college, after high school, I ended up in Seminary, studying to be a priest.

I devoted my life to God, in every way possible. But I was not like the others. I did not do evil things that the others had done. I never broke my vows to Mother Church, during that year, and I thought that would get me by.

It didn’t.

At the end of that year, the rector, whom I had issues with personally, said to me that I was not “one of them.” Therefore, it was his decree that I would be told to leave the seminary.

Talk about being resentful and angry about God.

My alcoholism took off full-bore. And lasted until my 26th year of life. I told God to go to hell, that I did not need Him. Took back my will and my life, and pursued life.

I had come out of the closet not long after.
That only added to my alcoholic woes.

On one morning, as I sat in that bar nursing a drink at 7 a.m. fate strolled in to greet me and I danced. That morning would be the last morning.

What I did not know would eventually almost kill me.

On July 8th 1994, I got those words. “You are going to die.” A few days later I called Todd home from vacation and told him I was going to die.

As God as my witness … I may have turned my back on God. But God, in His wisdom, got my attention once again.

Never be thankful for a terminal disease.

Sometimes a fatal disease is just that, a fatal disease.

I took my life in my own hands that morning, and did what I did. And I am the one to blame for my misfortune. It is my fault.

God got my attention. Then He stepped out of Heaven and soothed my soul.

What Todd did for me, I will never forget, will always be grateful for, and remember as long as I breathe air. I will tell his story as many times as I can, because if this story dies. I die with it.

It is the power of God that makes this story critical.

Todd promised me, if I turned my will and my life over to him and trusted him with my life, that he would see to it that I survived. I may have kicked and screamed for a while, but that did not last very long.

As my friends died around me, one after another, and every day that I lived, is a testament to the Power of Todd, Read: GOD.

On the day I said goodbye to him, standing next to his car, as he got into that car, and shut the car door, he forgot to give me one small piece of information,

“What was I supposed to do now.”

I lament that he did not give me that much-needed piece of information. We were so caught up in goodbye that I don’t think that thought crossed his mind, in that moment.

When he drove off, my life drove off with him.

I could not make it alone. I had no idea what to do or how to do it.

All of the people who were still alive, already made the trek West. I was the only one who stayed. I stayed because of my heart. I stayed because I was sure, my father would die, and I would make my stand and go to my mother, and reclaim her from my father, and care for her for the rest of my days.

Obviously, that plan never happened.

My parents would rather eat dirt, than accept me as a human worthy of love.

On January 7th 2018, my father died. I got that one wrong.

My mother spit in my face, once again, saying to me that I was a mistake and should never have been born. This is the very same woman I was hedging my bets of saving and being part of her life.

Got that one wrong too.

I did drink again.

At the end of my drink binge, I called out to God. Begged Him for help.

I prayed three prayers in order of necessity.

  • A hangover
  • An Alcoholic
  • And Get me to a Meeting

God did those very things for me, in the order I needed them, miraculously.

I was on the return arc, when Troy walked into my business and his first words to me were: I did not drink today …

Troy was that blessed alcoholic whom God sent. Troy took me to my next, First Meeting. I stayed for the later 10 pm meeting and met the folks who would bring me back to life again. Those original folks are still in my life to this day.

God granted me a few dispensations. And created a number of miracles.

I ended up crossing the border, attaining Canadian Citizenship, I am still sober, almost seventeen years later. And had you told me, back in Miami, back in the day, that my life could have looked like it does today, I would have laughed at you and called you crazy.

God moved heaven and earth. And God’s saving grace has made me whole.

There IS a GOD, and I am not God.

Although, I did meet God. I spoke to God. I worked for God. I served God, every day I walked into work and served those men, who are all dead now, until they all took their last breaths on this earth. I was with many of them. When their families tossed them into the gutter and into the streets, I was there, with a few friends, who cared for the sick, until they eventually died, in our arms.

None of my friends died alone. Not One Of Them.

Nobody knows the intricacies of this story. Nobody really cares, even the gay men I know today. They know nothing about AIDS or Living with AIDS. They really don’t care for my stories, because they cannot identify.

If my story dies, I will die with it.

Which is Why, till the day that I take my last breath, I will utter the name of Todd and thank God for saving my life, all these years.

I made it to 51.

Let’s PARTY !!!

Incidental Information: Severus

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Severus Snape was in the employ of Voldemort, on the night he heard the first portion of Professor Trelawny’s prophecy regarding the child who would vanquish the Dark Lord.

Would it be Harry, Or would it Be Neville Longbottom. It was a toss up.
We know now who that child was and is.

Severus had a saving grace. Lily Potter.

There were two sides to the bravest man at Hogwarts. In his death, Harry learns the truth about his nemesis and Potions Master, Defense Against the Dark Arts Master, and Headmaster of Hogwarts.

This is a convenient visual to tell this little story about my brother.

I believe in that every human being has, within them, redeeming quality.

That we carry that one part of ourselves, unseen to the rest of us, that only they might, or might not know exists. I believe, that with time, growth, spiritual awareness and truth, we eventually find that redeeming quality, and we either embrace it or we ignore it.

People have a choice in this life. To DO Good, To BE Good, and To Honor Good. or They live their lives in the manner they choose, ignoring the light and living in the dark.

I’ve learned a great deal about spiritual truth in fifty odd years of life, coming from a bevy of teachers, spiritual and secular. Along with sixteen plus years of sobriety, a university education, spiritual teaching and living in the light for the whole of my sobriety, I have come a long way, in understanding redemption.

My Father and my Mother, for the WHOLE of our lives, my brother and myself, lived in a place of judgment and resentment, and darkness. I have stories about where this might have originated.

Childhood, Abuse, Alcoholism, War, Anger, Betrayal …

We are all products of our environment.

My parents come from rough backgrounds. And who they became after we were born, was a direct result of everything that happened to them in the past. Because it informed who they would become.

My Grandmothers; Jeannie, and Camille, were LOVE. Multiplied. My Aunt Paula, was Love Multiplied. Without those three women in my life, to this day, my father would have succeeded in killing me as a child, and probably would have gotten away with it, if I ponder for a moment, justice in the 1970’s and the prevalence of PTSD, that we knew nothing about for decades to come.

Even though my parents lived in hatred and resentment, they had their moments, when you could be mistaken that they did actually love their children. Least of all me.

Poison is Poison. And Life is Life. And this is the TRUTH:

My parents created me in a heated moment of passion in the back seat of a car, in a drive in, that every time we drove past it, my mother would BOAST that I was created there, happenstance.

In the end, as time went on, I was the MISTAKE and my brother was the CORRECTION.

I grew up in this dichotomy of love versus hate. When I knew life at home was no longer viable, I chose to leave, opting never to tell anyone I was gay. My twenties were a wash out, and a complete failure. Who do I blame for what I did not know?

I left my brother in this mix. I did not come back home. I never contacted him, and he never contacted me. We lived separate lives, to this day.

He does not know me, and in the same way, I do not know him.

My mother’s curse fell down around me. Both my parents got terribly sick. My mother survived, but she is a feeble human being today, with very little to live for, but to stoke the hatred in her heart till she takes her last breath, I am sure.

As long as she still breathes, and lives under my brothers roof now, my brother will never come to recognize his One Redeeming Quality, because it is hidden within him.

YET, over the past years, that redeeming quality, presented itself in peculiar behavior, that at times belie him. He communicates with Black Listed family, on the odd occasion. Which is how I keep tabs on him, through a back channel he knows nothing about.

In the same token, when my brother uses back channels to communicate, my parents are none the wiser. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. He made specific communications prior to my father’s death.

There is a kernel of remorse within him. A kernel of goodness, A kernel of hope.

I learned this from my aunt.

When my father died, I scoured the web looking for him, only to fail. It took me to a government cypher, whom I paid for critical information that I needed.

I phoned my brother twice. The first call was Not So Sober at all. The second call I made was much more civil.

On the Wednesday after my father’s death, my brother called me, told me to lose his number and hung up on me.

He redeemed himself, when twenty minutes later he called back to apologize for hanging up on me, and we had a protracted, and rather angry exchange. But he called a second time.

There is goodness in him still.

Knowing his propensity for back channel communication, and his small attempt, in a very small way, to say something quietly, without saying it openly,

That is his TELL.

And if I am to believe my aunt, that there was a 99% chance he read my letter, tells me that part of him wants to know, however hard he tries to be angry with me, I believe that kernel is there, and when the darkness that surrounds him dies, once and for all, he will be free of that evil cunt energy.

When she is dead, that cunt; he will have to go on with his life. Once they are dead, he can carry forwards their vitriol and anger and resentment, or he will EVOLVE.

And IF he read my letter, he knows ALL the TRUTH. He knows ALL the LIES, and he finally knows MY story, from the beginning to the present day.

That will be a huge paradigm shift in his life that might take awhile to make sense, after a lifetime of not knowing me or having me in his life.

 

He was loved by the same women who loved me. That love, passed on in Jeannie, Camille and Paula is what sustains me and has sustained me for the whole of my life.

That love exists within my brother too.

He was caught in a No Win Scenario, a Kobyashi Maru scenario.

What was he supposed to do, walk away, and leave my parents? God forbid he had done that, walked away like I did, cleanly, never looking back! Imagine how this huge shit hole of a situation would have played out had my parents been left to their own devices.

I close my eyes and I can see and hear: THE DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES
playing in my mind. 

My brother was their care taker, because both my parents believed I was the mistake and not part of the family. My brother said to me that I had made a choice, NOT to be a part of this family. He is correct in that assessment.

What he did not know, unless he read my letter, is the WHY ?

If he read my letter, then he knows the truth from my own lips.

I give him the opportunity to redeem himself. I opened the door to his future, a future with me in it. But that will only be his choice to make, if and when the time and the climate is right. I cannot hunt him and force him into seeing the truth as it is.

He has to come to that realization on his own.

A Good Sober Sponsor, does not chase their sponsees.
We point the way to the truth and let you decide you want it.

And if and when he decides what he wants. I will be waiting.

Severus Snape will again be redeemed.

Because I am sure he remembers who I am.

Because in his small ways, his “TELL” tells me he remembers.

For all his harshness and anger and resentment, he knows deep within who I am.

And it will be a glorious day when he gets there himself.