Monday: The Infinite Ocean


It was a very wild weekend here. Knowing that Daylight Savings was going to begin on Sunday, did not dissuade me from living my life as I always had, before.

Going to bed early, just for the sake of going to bed early, seems to be, beyond my capabilities. I just have to crank out a couple more hours out of my twenty-four, THEN go to bed, WHERE I grab a book and I read for ANOTHER hour, before shutting off the light for the night.

Sometimes, we just need to GO TO BED ALREADY !!!

Saturday night, I was burning the AFTER-Midnight oil. Knowing that I HAD to be up at SEVEN in the AM, to be at the Hospital, at Vendome by EIGHT in the AM.

I stayed up to fart around as usual, so it wasn’t until around 2 that I finally went to bed. I set my phone for SEVEN, and sure as shit, SEVEN did come around, sooner than I would have liked. But who am I to listen to conventional wisdom ?

I got dressed, and headed through the tunnel to the Orange line, which is a straight shot to Vendome, three stations up the line. I took the tunnel, the new access for everyone, including the Handicapped patients who visit the new MUHC Hospital.

Let me tell you how much grief was wrought because they built that entire hospital project, but did not have the foresight to build an accessible tunnel FROM the Metro station to the Hospital, in one fell swing …

That would have been too esasy!!!

They did not plan accordingly. And after much wringing of hands and complaints lodged to the city, the city caved and spent extra millions of dollars to tunnel from the station to the hospital, AFTER the FACT.

I get to the hospital around 7:30 and get lost trying to find my way into the hospital, because getting in, is half the fun.

On a Sunday Morning no less.

The only people AT the hospital at 7:30 in the morning are those working INSIDE, and Security. The halls are all devoid of life. I want to get outside for smoke before hand, because you CANNOT smoke on Hospital property.

I quietly Exit the building, wherein I get locked out of said hospital, and after trying three separate entrances with locked doors, and only a security button and a speaker to talk to, I find my way back into said hospital, trudging through MUD and SNOW on the far side of the building, having to find my way BACK to where I really needed to be for my appointment.

I get to the department, and the lights are off. The desk is devoid of life, thankfully, I see a young man exiting the same location and ask him where I can find a sign of life, and he says to me… “OH, they will come and get you … just have a seat and wait…”

Ten Minutes later a nurse comes to fetch me and the CT Scan takes all of five minutes.

I just spent the better part of an hour navigating the damned building for the climax of a FIVE minute CT Scan of my back…

Thank you for making your appointment this morning, have a nice day.

I took the Metro back to Atwater to drop off some scripts that needed to be refilled, that I would pick up later. I walk back home and gather my granny cart, and walk BACK to the mall to do my grocery shopping for the next few days …

BECAUSE ??? You might ask ??? There is SNOW in the forecast for the next three days.

I don’t want to be stuck without ample supplies and have to go out in a snow storm to grocery shop trying to pull a wretched granny cart through the snow.

Been there, Done that already.

I get home from my shopping trip and crawl back into bed. I sleep for the entire day and into the night. I had turned my phone off and was comatose for hours. I got up for dinner and some tv. By 11 p.m. I had such a head ache that my head was spinning and I was nauseous.

I took some Naproxen and crawled back into bed. I felt so sick. Not sure where that came from but, that was a thing.

I slept through until my haircut appointment this afternoon.

I have a HIGH and TIGHT haircut, that we tweaked just a bit. My friends, this evening seemed to like it. Because several people commented, which was unusual.

We read from the Big Book, and the topic of Resentments.

You’d never know how many of us drunks, YOUNG and OLD, have serious DADDY ISSUES. Everybody shared on the topic. And as usual, our trusty time-keeper kept us all to a three-minute time limit on sharing.

Which at the end of tonight’s meeting, spoke to him about.

Another of our kids went back out. She was hanging on the periphery of the room when I spoke to her before the meeting. I gave her some sage advice, and asked her to sit among everyone, and not on the back wall, as some do, to stay out of the fray, for all intents and purposes.

She did not make it through the entire meeting. I think the topic was a bit rough for her, so she bolted before the meeting even ended.

A friend of mine, lost his mother recently. We are kin to the same problem. Parents with memories and resentment lists like ELEPHANTS.

They NEVER Forget …

As sober people, what is done is done. Carrying around resentments is like carrying rocks around our necks, in sacks only we can fill, OR empty, whenever we choose.

My friend realized, long ago, what game she had been playing. And he chose to take the high road, and access the infinite ocean of power we have within our reach, when we get sober. Taking that high road, was not always the easy road. But he walked it.

He made peace with his parents and escorted his mother to her death, valiantly. Because he embraced love and compassion, and the infinite ocean of love around him, and he carried that love back to his family, doing good, small things, OFTEN.

I don’t have that luxury of doing Good, Small Things, Often.

One, because my brother hates me as hard as my parents hate me. And Two, I cannot even get him to acknowledge my humanity as a human being, let alone, answer any of my texts to him, beyond his …


So fuck me for trying.

My friend talked to me for a bit after the meeting and when I got home, I caved to pressure of compassion and emotion, and I texted my brother AGAIN.

I give him three days before he tells me to fuck off again…

I have not spoken to my mother, not that she wants to even talk to me, but I wished to express my condolences to her, but if I cannot raise my brother, as he is her gatekeeper now, and he isn’t speaking to me, I will never get to my mother.

So she will go to her grave even more angry and bitter than my father was.

Sometimes sobriety and the truth sucks, because there is not a snowball’s chance in hell, that I will get anyone to recognize that I am ALSO a human being, with feelings of my own.

I might have made the bed I am sleeping in right now, by choices that I made twenty odd years ago, but they were direct results of my family telling me to fuck off and DIE ALREADY when I was very sick and closer to death than I am today.

It isn’t ALL my fault for the state of family affairs today.

I would love to believe I have access to my friends INFINITE OCEAN of possibilities, but that just AIN’T the case with my family. For my family, you can NEVER go HOME.

Tomorrow I have a Two O’clock appointment with the smile specialists. I HATE, with all my soul, the dentist. But I need serious help, and it’s gonna cost serious money, that we know we don’t have, to complete the job successfully.

I am praying for small mercies and maybe a little miracle of financial ability of the part of an institution to be able to finance what I need IN HOUSE, and not using an outside firm where I am going to pay interest for years, before I can even think of paying off a job that is probably going to cost THOUSANDS of DOLLARS, start to finish.

UGH !!!

It’s time to go to bed already.

More to come. Stay tuned …

Tuesday … Slush, Mush and Locked Doors


Warnings went up yesterday across Quebec and Ontario as a massive winter storm was coming up from the Great Lakes overnight. Montreal, sits in what I like to call, “the sweet spot.” Montreal is an island, surrounded by rivers to the North and South. Mountains are off to the farther North, and the Townships to the East.

Where we sit geographically, is the sweet spot, depending on where/how the wind blows. Sometimes we get a direct hit, but mostly, we have been getting glancing blows with extreme weather heading up to our North and West, or beneath us, to the South and East to the Maritimes.

First, freezing rain warnings went up, then snow to follow, and then straight rain tonight. Overnight it snowed, just enough to be bothersome. Then the freezing rain fell, and then straight rain. Just enough snow fell, just beneath the need to plow, and the fact that what did fall as snow, turned into slush and mush through the day.

The snow that fell piled up. And when traveled through, causes ruts for puddling rain that followed. On corners where the snow/slush/rain coincide, are inches deep puddles of water that extend out from sidewalks into the streets. Ground saturation dictates that what water is not absorbed into the ground stands, and it is cold, and those puddles freeze over … MESSY !

I opted for sneakers, when I should have gone with my duck boots because the trek out and back was hellish to say the least. I don’t understand how, pants get so dirty when traveling around. All the way around, up to the knees. I have to wash my pants every couple of days, because they get wet, salty and crusty. Pain in the Ass.

I have to sponge bath my sneakers daily, because of salt, snow and muck. UGH!

My Tuesday meeting with Mama bear was cancelled, so I waited for hubby to get home to use his pass for the Metro, so I didn’t have to buy tickets for mine.

I used both transfers so that I didn’t have to walk down the hill. The entire church parking lot was now a skating rink. The church rules state that we must take off our sodden shoes and boots, and leave them in the vestibule of the church tower, before going upstairs.

We do this gladly, as they provide footy sox for us.

We were 8 tonight. Our room, is also the CCD room on Sundays. And there are french doors to the room, which usually stay open. But there has been dance traffic going to the third floor, so I shut the doors as the meeting started.

The doors closed, and we heard a “CLICK,” we thought nothing of it.

Halfway through the meeting, one of the dance ladies from upstairs came down to our room, and tried to open the door. It would not open. A little panic set in when we realized that we were locked in a second floor room, with the bathroom outside, our shoes downstairs, and the only way out was OUT the Emergency Door down the back staircase, sock footed, into slush and mush.

Naturally, the meeting devolved into trying to force the door open, which was stolidly, not going to open, no matter the force we applied to the doors. The shares went to shit, because the momentum was lost and the only thing we all wanted to do was to get that damned door opened.

We made a call out for help, in that, the good church lady who works in the church walked up and was now standing outside a locked door, which would not open. She had a tool box with her, now you might ask …

How was she going to get tools through a locked door ???

Simply, there was a 2 inch round hole in the door, which she was able to pass us screw drivers which we used to dismantle the door frame, then the lock from the inside, which had JAMMED locked shut. It was major door surgery.

It took us about half an hour to get the door opened.

Crisis averted …

We go to meetings.
And we leave meetings.
Never before, in the history of meetings, have we ever been “locked in a room” like this.

In the end, we ended the meeting, as a friend and I worked on the door, the church lady joined us for the final prayer, and we all went home.

Last week, I did some shopping, because, I only get so much cash that I can spend on me, every two weeks. I don’t usually spend cash on stuff I don’t need. But give me a couple of new books, or something I have been shopping for for weeks, and I am good to go.


I bought a pair of Speed Three Black/White Adidas trainers some time ago, which came all the way from Amsterdam, via Ebay. They come in two colors: Black/White and Red/White. The Red/Whites, I had seen on Amazon, but because I am in Canada, they would not ship to me. So they went on my wish list.

Last week, I logged into Ebay, and I got a seller’s note stating that a seller in freaking AUSTRALIA had the shoes I wanted, in my size, for just the right price.

Our Loonie is in the crapper, at .71 cents, U.S. I do not cross border shop because I loose 30% of my money in the exchange. I have to spend (CAD/US) thirty dollars more for every hundred that I spend, which turns into $130.00 spent on items that cost half that.

Cross Border Shopping = NO NO.

The Australian exchange was .03 cents apart. CAD .71 to AUD .74 …

It was a sweet deal. I got a nominal purchase, for a slight variance in the exchange which was not a waste of money. Now they are on their way to me.

The weather is frightful. But everyone is good right now. It is Mid Term season, with a two week break to follow. It has been a good couple of days so far.

More to come, stay tuned …