Why Chastity ? Men …

Come on men, let’s get honest for a spell.

How many men out there, Jerk Off, Choke the Chicken, Slap the Monkey, or just simply, Masturbate?

Is a daily event, a multiple daily event, a really heavy daily event?

How many men out there, look at Porn ? I’m talking to YOU Straight Men, not only the Gay Men who might read this blog. Is Porn just the action taken when you choke your chicken, or is Porn a little more ingrained in your daily activities?

How many men out there, have film editing software on your computer, and do you use that editing software to edit, said Porn, you consume? And if you edit said Porn, how much Porn do you have on your hard drive, or do you have extra external hard drives connected to your desktop to house said Porn?

For you straight men, those who are married, or even for those single guys out there, is Porn part of your sex life with your wives, or significant others?

If you are like my parents were, what they did inside the house and even outside the house, was radically different from what they did behind their bedroom door. Were talking BDSM … My father had a book that I found on a bookshelf in our house at one point titled “Hurt Me Please.”

If sex is an issue, does it include Porn, or Not ? If sex is not an issue, as in, you don’t have sex, or your sex life is not what you wanted or expected, or your partner/significant other suffers from a mental condition that has just wiped sex from your proverbial plate, do you masturbate to make up for the fact that you don’t have sex

a) as often
b) not as often
c) it’s non-existent?

The problem with my own sex life is this: My husband is Bi-Polar. And this began over 14 years ago, after he suffered a break down and ended up comatose on the sofa for eleven months. The doctors gave him so much medication over the primary dosing period, all that toxic medication wiped part of his brain away, and we never saw it again.

What does one do when you remove passion, human touch, and sex from the equation? For most men, that would constitute divorce proceedings. Even for our women who read here, Porn is just as equal a “thing” as it is for the men. You don’t get a pass in this conversation.

We might have had sex, a handful of times, in the very beginning, but now, sex is the GIANT White Elephant in our living room.

My husband likes to Masturbate when I am not home. That’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve walked in on him coming home from work or a meeting a few times. He like to roll joints on my desk as well, not anymore though. We just don’t talk about it, nor do I want to talk about it. Mental illness does a serious harm to sex lives.

We don’t talk about sex, at all. I have my sex life and he has his. And as long as it does not infect any other portion of our marriage, that’s all and well for me.

I turned to masturbation because sex is non-existent. But after so many years, masturbation got boring and only repetitive, and I needed to just fucking STOP ALREADY. So I did.

The fact that we don’t have sex, just reinforces my desire to go it alone, and do my own thing. Which I have done for the whole of our marriage. Even in sobriety.

People who suffer addictions, it usually just isn’t One Thing. I have heard Bob tell me that when he went into rehab, his intake counselor told him that “If you have a problem with One Thing, you probably should not do Anything.”

Sober men, talk about sex A LOT. They talk in secret, though NOT in a meeting setting. Sex is an undercurrent that electrifies the men in my community. Newbies want to have sex, and we tell them, no relationships in your first year. What do I tell them instead?

If you have to get off, then choke the chicken.

That advice is a double edged sword, because if you have an addict in your midst, it might not be just drugs and alcohol, it might well also be Pornography.

With the dawn of fast internet and the various choices of porn online, I don’t know a single man, who I know, who does not employ porn, in their spare time. They just don’t tell me how often they choke the chicken.

But if you ask any man if they masturbate and they answer NO –

YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING !!!!

So advising on sex issues is not something I do a lot. I listen more than I talk. Only my best friend and I speak of, and practice Chastity. It’s not something you tell your friends in a meeting. Oh I have a chastity device, do you wanna try it on for size? Um, NO !!!

One of my guys and I talk about everything, i talk about everything with all of my guys, but more specifically, one of my young guys, I’ve been working with for a couple of years.

At the end of Spring, pornography became a topic of conversation, and so we did not talk about it much but after a little while, we both realized that Porn was more of a problem, and I took that thought to bed with me for a few weeks, until I had that prophetic dream at the end of March, and that dream gave me a solution.

For the life of me when Chastity rose out of nowhere, and some of my friends had chastity cages and were playing around with it, I was like
“HELL NO Nobody’s going to take my dick away from me … “

I put chastity, in the I’ve seen it in action, but not for me, file.

Fast Forward to April 1st, this Spring. All that changed.

The chastity run began for me, it came a month later for my best friend.

We nipped his problem in the bud, and my life has changed in ways I never imagined. I’ve eradicated my Porn habit. I’ve removed all my Porn from my computer, and I’ve been in chastity since April the 1st 2019.

Chastity is a simple device. Some of them can be very pricey, but if you know what you are looking for, and you do some homework for yourself, once again, you need to know where to look, I can help you there.

I’ve spent a fair chunk of money on several devices, for myself and one for my friend, which he paid for at the end of his run, because the CB-6000 runs $200.00 CAD. And the BON-4 runs $180.00. My Rage Cage ran me $115.00.

If you want focus, If you want some down time from touching your dick, if you want to stop masturbating, or masturbating so much, or you just need a break from a possible addiction to internet porn, then chastity might be for you.

Ask Me … Don’t be shy, we are all men and women here.

The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that there IS a problem.

Thursday: Finding Peace Within

1477751682088

Romeo Dallaire – in the hills of Rwanda. A place he speaks of warmly, as the place he would go, amid all that carnage, to find inner peace.

The first order of business, is to take care of ourselves.

Lately, some of my friends are beginning to find that they have overextended, over compensated, and spent themselves giving to people, who have taken advantage of them, and did not take into consideration what “their” friends have been doing for them all this time.

I’ve said recently that when the sun rises, the first order of business is Me. It begins with me and it ends with me. Everything else in between, comes as it comes. I know better than to over extend. The lesson about becoming a man, for me, was learning how to put the needs of someone else’s, (read: My Husband) before my own.

A certain number of my friends, the chosen few, also hold that place in my heart. They all know that I am at their service, should they ever call upon me. If I give it all away for free, and walk away empty and overextended, then I have not learned the lesson.

For the last little while, I have been up early, and my daily routine has gotten sharper and I do what needs to be done, which frees up the rest of the day to be able to be present for my friends, at any given hour.

Resting is part of my routine. Every day, one way or another.

Nothing pleases me more than having a few hours of down time to nap. I shut off my phone, I crawl into bed, and I sleep. Many of my friends don’t have that kind of luxury, however I encourage them to make time to just stop, drop and rest.

One of the things we learn in sobriety is to be gentle with ourselves, to be kind to ourselves, and to remember our spirits (thank you Oprah). If there is not time in every day to find peace within, how can you offer that kind of peace to anyone else in your life?

I had lined up a speaker for tonight’s meeting. On Monday night, he told me that he had to cancel, but he offered one of his sponsees to speak in his place. I said that was fine.

It is good practice, I think, to put people in the hot seat, so that they can hear themselves talk about where they are, in this thing we call life. My man tonight, said to me that he had spoken at St. Matthias, a year ago, and did not think he had anything worthwhile to say. I encouraged him to get up there and talk anyways.

He did just that.

There are many people in the rooms. Every single human being came to the room, with collateral damage. There are a handful of men, who worked their ways up into some serious positions in the community. Either by wealth, education, family, or addiction.

I know of just a few men, who are similar to my man tonight.

Coming from an Italian home where image was everything, and working his way up the proverbial education, work, and money ladder, to the pinnacle of PhD, a beautiful wife, home, and cars in the driveway, the fall was catastrophically deep.

We all know men and women, who had it all, by the looks of it. Many of them had a really hard time keeping up appearances at the bitter end. It takes one serious human being not to kill themselves, after surviving a fall like my friend’s fall.

I’ve said before, that everyone comes with a story. At the end of the day, it is all about humility. I am a pretty good judge of character. As I sat in the chair tonight, some of our guests, do not rank very high on my respect meter, by their own doing. There are just some people who rub me wrong like spiritual sandpaper.

And and my guy got up there and spoke from his heart, and as I watched my fellows, twitch in their seats, there are those few, who just shut off, and pay not a moment’s attention to what is going on in the front of the room. They are only concerned with what is going on between their ears, and how good they look, or how good a hockey game they can talk up.

There are some men in the program here, that I just cannot stomach, even on a good day.

When I sit in the chair, and I bring people to speak, there are those who just have contempt for anything that I do in the rooms, to this day. Which is why I stay well away from those certain members. I don’t go to their meetings, I don’t go out of my way to be kind, or even speak to them. I sat in the chair tonight, and most people know my name, and greet me warmly, and have good things to say.

Then there are those, who don’t give a damn who’s in the chair.

Over the many years I have been sober, Mama has encouraged me to always take care of me, and not allow people the ability to stir my inner peace. It has taken a long time to get where I am, and over the last year, I have told some serious time holders to go fuck themselves.

I know who I want to have in my life, and what I will take from them, and make my own, then there are those who are thorny bushes who only exist to prick us and make us bleed. Sad but true. There are some people who we know we need to stay away from, because I have watched them, and I’ve listened to them, over the years, and I know the way they treat me in meetings, on retreats and in group dynamics.

I know that my friends see these observations themselves. They are sitting in the same rooms with me, so I am not wrong in my observations. I have really great friends, who care about me and love me. I was thinking on the way home that:

I just want to be loved. I just want to be included. And I just want to be respected.

We are taught, in the rooms, that we must be cognizant of other people’s struggles, and not judge them for where they are on the continuum. We are taught to respect everyone. And offer the shoulder, and to give people the benefit of the doubt.

And I do that.

I know today, that there are those who do not get what I am told to give them.

Living with AIDS for so long, I learned certain self-preservation lessons. Which I still employ to this day. I will give you all those things that they tell us to give you, until you do something uncharitable to me, or you disrespect me, or you treat me less than, in any group or meeting interaction. Or you shoot your mouth off in stupidity.

I have no room for disrespect, indignity, and unkindness. There are a handful of heterosexual men in the rooms that I just won’t give the time of day, because of words spoken, or actions made, in my presence.

I will give you what I am supposed to, from the get go, until you break one of my nonnegotiable. After that, you are on your own. I won’t have anything to do with you.

Sitting in a room, and watching certain men, disrespect other men, who get up to the table and speak, just makes my blood boil. We can see you, standing up in front of the room. Behavior like this does not go unnoticed.

Next week, I am in the hot seat. I’m the one who is going to be standing up there, knowing that there are some folks in the crowd, that just rub me the wrong way.

FUCK !!!

This past year has been the hardest year. Number 15. My guy is in the same space I am right now. Fifteen, seems to be a pivotal year for many. The word vulnerability has come up more than once over the past few weeks.

Being vulnerable, does not necessarily translate into kindness from others. Especially from those men and women, who have lots of time, but are not necessarily sober.

Once you speak word, you can never take them back.

My father said those words.

People shoot their mouths off all the time. And we are just supposed to let them slide, for the simple reason, that the are IN the rooms, right ? People are ignorant, all over the place. People are indignant. People do not treat each other equally, or respectfully in many places. And we are just supposed to let them slide, for the simple fact that;

“they are in the rooms, and are just “not there” yet ?

I just know, today, in my sober journey that, NO, I’m not gonna let you just slide, for the simple reason that you are in a room. That “NO” becomes more indignant, the more time you have under your belt. It seems to me that lengthy sober time gives someone the credence to be an asshole. That’s been my observation over the last five years or so.

But they are IN the room, so you must cut them slack.

No I don’t have to cut anyone any slack, in my book.

I’ve fucking pounded the pavement, wore my heart on my sleeve, given it everything that I’ve got, just to be able to say, with some certainty, that I am sober …

To the best of my ability.

Long sober time, does not necessarily make you sober.

Inner Peace is necessary when there are buzzards in the room for sure…