In the Grand Scheme of Things

Attempting to find where you exist, in the grand scheme of things, is a tall order.

Sobriety is not an event, but is ongoing. If you want to be sober, one must employ the cocktail of “sobriety” that is placed at your feet, (the Proverbial Tool Kit.)

If you focus on only some of what you are told to do, and you ignore the other parts of what you should do, at some point, you will find the imbalance, and there is a chance you will drink again, because the book does say … “The Alcoholic Will Drink Again.”

We read from Into Action tonight. The context behind the portion we read, is finding that one human being that you can be totally honest with. This chapter comes as we sit for our Fifth Steps.

I’ve found very few people, in the rooms, with whom, I can be totally honest with, in all things. There aren’t very many straight people, or for that matter, Gay folks, who have ever intimated that they were interested in anything I had to say, step work or other.

And for the last little while, unfurling the Lotus Flower is the order of the day. Lorna likes to say that “peeling an onion,” is unattractive to her, she’d rather, unfurl a lotus flower. A lotus flower sits on a pad on the mud. And unfurls all its petals. Sobriety is like that lotus flower. All the good and bad, the resentments and the short comings, are there. At night, the lotus flower folds up, and each morning the flower unfurls all its pretty petals.

I’ve been shedding parts of me, that I have uncovered, that are objectionable. Those parts of me, that I’ve been ready to look at honestly, with new eyes. Ridding myself of other behaviors, not just the alcoholism, or drug addiction, the rest of me is still there. And at some point in sobriety, we find that we’ve come to the point that we are spiritually ready to do some heavy lifting.

I’ve shared this portion of my journey with two people. My Elder Spiritual Director, and my best friend, who is participating in Locktober with me. When you take away, the ability to act selfishly, and you take away the portion of self will run riot, one begins to see the world and our place in that world differently.

I’ve known where I sit in the grand scheme of things for a very long time. When I got sick, I was a mess, in every way possible. To sort out my brain, and my “all over the place” emotions, Todd gave me the one tool, that changed my life and saved it, as well.

I was to leave my monkey brain at the door. And when I entered the bar, the only thing I was to think about, was what I had to do, on any given night, and Only That.

Serving others, Alphas, Betas, Subs, Masters, Doms, was what I was told to do. My job was to be the best at serving others, to the best of my abilities. It was my job, at times to welcome visitors, singers, celebrities, you name it. I’ve met my fair share of famous people in my life, this goes for in sobriety as well.

My Master Todd, never gave me a title. He never called me by any other name than the one he coined: “Little One.”

I worked, night after night, for one thing. To make sure, that my efforts at whatever I was doing, did not go unnoticed. That was a harsh lesson, for sure.

In the end, I learned that if you go to work, you do the best job you can, with everything that you have, and IF you do that very good job, you won’t need anyone’s approval or accolade.

Every night, in Sobriety, I work. I have keys to several churches in Montreal. I have those keys, so that I won’t have to wait outside for anyone else to open up a room. because when it is (-20c) outside with snow on the ground, one does not want to have to wait on anyone top come and open whenever they wish to.

Last Fall I worked my steps. I am working steps with new folks. I have my guys I work with and meetings I go to and also, meetings I serve as trusted servant.

I know my place in the grand scheme of things.

In certain circles there is a term for that position. I know what it means for me. I have had enough time to sit and ponder my place in the world. I know who I am today, and the role I play in the lives of my friends.

Yet, there is only ONE person, who I am intimately honest with.

Back in April, when Chastity was introduced, it took a month, for my best friend to realize and accept that he was the other player, in the prophetic dream I had, that initiated this phase of life. He accepted chastity willingly. And spent 100 days locked up. Along with myself, here in Montreal. At the end of that run, he admitted why he wanted to be released.

Honestly, all he wanted was to meet a girl and have sex.

Well, since that day, that event did not come to pass. Our world is still being reorganized. In September, I handed him my keys for my rage cage. He agreed, again, willingly, to participate in Locktober. We are on Day 10.

We meet every Sunday to discuss progress, and to share where we are spiritually, mentally, and physically. On Sunday night we spoke honestly. And I brought up, his past goal, and he admitted that yeah, all he wanted was a selfish pursuit.

He then asked me, if I took off my cage, would I be able to not touch myself, without it? Honestly, I told him, No Guarantees. He tends to think that chastity is a short term decision. Because he is not in the same space I am. We are two different men, with different inclinations, and orientations.

I know, that I would rather keep my cage on me. And I’d rather he keep my keys, so that I don’t have the choice to take my will back, and act selfishly. He said, “well, I know, sex is all around us, all of the time.” You cannot escape societies, bent towards sexual gratification. If you don’t feed the wolf, it starves.

So which wolf are you going to feed ?

All I know right now, is this. I know my place, in the grand scheme of things. And I know what I have to do. I’ve been talking to friends in my social community. Each person I have spoken to recently, tell me the same observations they are realizing. We concur on several points.

My Best friend also asked me if I had an End Goal? I told him I did not. In my world, there is only progression and change, and that progression and change are not short term goals, because sobriety is not a short term goal, sobriety is for life.

Coming to grips with who I am, knowing that my spiritual director has told me, himself, that I am right where I need to be, and that I’ve made progress in my life, spiritually. I kind of know where God is, in all of this, and as long as I follow my spirit, then at some point, God will tell me what I need to know, and what I need to do next.

Intimate honesty is key. Having someone, you can be intimately honest with, can change lives.

May your name be Inscribed in the book.

G’Mar Chatima Tova …

The 8th day of the New Year

I’ve been sitting in a place of sadness for the past few days. But life had to go on. There were responsibilities to follow through with, and people who I needed to see, and meetings to hit.

Acceptance is the key to ALL of my problems. And moreover, “Nothing, Absolutely Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.”

Where ever you are, in the grand scheme of things, we are where we are supposed to be, at any given moment on the continuum.

My father has been dead, one calendar year, yesterday on the 7th. I have not heard from my mother, nor my brother, on this matter YET !

I feel insignificant. I feel like certain people in my nuclear family don’t even, under the pain of death, admit that I even exist, that my humanity does not even matter, nor makes a difference in this world.

I hit the meeting last night, (boy was it BITTERLY cold outside). And I shared on this topic. Today, I was feeling like shit, and I was up before dawn because my stomach was tossing and turning, so I got up and took something for it, and farted around here for a bit. I went and ran some errands, and spent the afternoon doing nothing special.

I had committed myself to a friend this evening. I knew I was supposed to hit a meeting, off schedule, because I wanted to see one of my friends. I took a shower and got dressed and hit the meeting.

The topic came from Page 417 … Everybody knows 417. That is the reading about Acceptance. And I said out loud, that I hate this passage, and I’ve hated this passage since the day I first got sober, because when I was at my worst, the old timers used to quote this page to me, ad nauseum.

I was like, Go Fuck Yourselves with this acceptance bullshit.

The book is correct, even when I want what I want. Just because we stop drinking and using, our minds still exist. Obsessions and feelings still remain. Some days are better than others. Today I was feeling insignificant. and I did not want to hit the meeting, but I made a promise to show up.

So I Showed Up !

And got bitch slapped in the process by the reading.

That nostalgic side of my brain goes into over drive during the holidays, because I want what I want, come hell or high water. But I know, I’ve always known, that I cannot control other people.

Evil exists. I know it exists.

And I know certain people would rather eat dirt than to allow me to speak my feelings to them. They will never acknowledge my existence, because if they did, they would have to allow me my voice, which they have shut down my light by turning off my light switch. Because that’s how they operate. I watched them do this to others as a kid and now they do it to me, because they are inherently EVIL !

On the way home, I went by the Econo Fitness gym, which is right up the street, and joined the gym. I bought the platinum plan which allows me to access any gym in the system city wide, so I can work out with friends in other gyms, within the gym system.

I called one of those friends on my walk home, and he reiterated to me that he cares, and his wife cares, and his family cares, and that people care that I exist. And that woe are those who cannot see how good a human being I am. Those words came from him, and not me, by the way.

I am the best I can be. I am kind and gracious. I help others. I go out of my way to be a good human citizen of my community. Not a day goes by, that I don’t do something good, because I can, not because I need to do something to make myself or my ego expand, exponentially.

I am a good human being. I am a good friend. A good sponsor. A good husband. And a good member of my city and my community here at home.

Sobriety does that to you eventually.

If you stay with us, it will be like having a gold quiver of bows on your back. And when a problem arises, you will be able to reach back into your quiver and select the right bow, and string it in your bow, and THWANG !!!! Always hit bullseye every time.

Lorna shared this story with us about when she got sober some 34 years ago. She was slipping and not sure she’d stay with us, and the above story was told to her, by her sponsor. And for Lorna, that was the hook.

I know what to do, even when I don’t want to do, what it is I am supposed to do. Those are called direct acts against my will.

The Next Right Thing …