Why Chastity – Part 2

If you asked me this question a year ago, I would have thought you mad. Are you serious, you wanna take my most precious practice away from me, No Way !!!

I had been talking to a friend over the years, well, two of them actually, in our leather men community, and both of them, are attached and they play around, and both of them, within a space of a few months, got the chastity bug.

Because chastity is all the rage in the Leather/BDSM/Master/Dom/Mistress community.

If you think the gays, have the market on Chastity, you would be WRONG! Because the straight community has a huge stake in Chastity. I’ve tested gear for straight sex shops over the past few months, and I know many Mistresses who use chastity with their bois. They have taken a fetish and really run with it, seriously. Fetish crosses the divide between the gay community and the straight fetish community.

Back when I worked at the bar, there were very few Mistresses who came out with us, but while I worked in a sex shop for a friend in Fort Lauderdale, I learned all I need to know about vibrators and sex toys from a Mistress names Miss Carla. She was a gem of a Mistress and a very kind soul to me when I really needed it. She taught me a lot about women and sex and all kinds of other good natured topics we used to chat about often.

I said this before, but if chastity had become a thing, in the nineties while I was working for Todd at the Leather Bar (The Stud), that would have taken off like wild fire. I mean there was simple idea and construct for chastity back then, but not like it is right now.

Todd is the only Master I will ever know, and a good thing too. I’ve seen too much abuse in as many years, and Todd was not that kind of man. I’m sure, if he had it, he would have employed it with me.

Chastity is a form of submission. And submission, in my opinion, is something I craved for a long time, and I needed, for a long time, and Todd was the Master I needed to submit to. I would give my life for him any day of the week.

I’ve studied this Fetish/Way of life for months now, and I’ve read all the blogs I can, and have researched this topic intimately. Men and their boys, Mistresses and their bois, Masters and their subs.

I would have never thought that chastity would become such a driving force in my life, but it has. In the beginning I gave up my keys to my best friend, until I hit that medical wall. Then he went away for the summer, and I was bouncing between the CB-6000 and my Bon-4. Then I added The Curve. Now I am back in my CB-6000 until later this week, when my Rage Cage arrives and I go full bore Permanent Chastity in that steel cage.

You know, taking porn out of the equation, and turning to chastity to force me to stop focusing on my dick is life changing. The main focus of chastity is to rewire your brain, to stop touching yourself, and give your desire to touch yourself over to your Dom/Mistress. Or give that control over to your key holder.

One small drawback for me, is that I am Diabetic and HIV+. So I have to keep a close eye on my body and the problem with the CB-6000 is that it is a closed cage, that one has to remove at least weekly to clean. And because my body is specific in what it can do, I have to be on top of it 24/7.

Which is why I chose the Rage Cage to go full bore, because it is an open cage and I won’t have the attendant problems as with my CB-6000.

In the beginning I couldn’t wrap my mind around 24/7. But the longer I wore my cage, the less often I touched myself. And the longer I wore my cage, the less I thought about touching myself.

Now, I have no desire to touch myself, because that physical pathway has been rewired. And once you remove the stimulus for masturbation, that is almost all of the fight. Remove the stimulus, and rewire that pathway, and your desire to touch yourself begins to disappear.

I don’t think about sex as often, because I know I am locked up. And you know what also? I have so much more free time to do other things, things I like to do for myself, in a good way. I don’t think about my cage, and for a long time I forget I am wearing it, because it has become a normal item of my wardrobe. Once I get the Rage Cage, it will all be over. Finally !!!

For us in the leather community, sex was a given, I mean that’s why we “coupled” with someone. And like I said, if cages existed back then, in that particular venue of men, it would have been all the rage. For Sure !

In order to curb ones sexual appetite, you take away that which feeds it; Your Dick. The more time you spend in chastity, the more you are apt to focus on the one Mistress/Master/Dom who holds your key and the fate of your dick in their hands.

It heightens your sexual desire, for when you are unlocked or when you next have sex, the longer you stay locked up, the better the next time you get to orgasm. In the beginning I did not remain locked all the time, because I had not gotten over masturbating just yet.

Once you take off the CB-6000 and you masturbate, the chances of getting back into it are slim, then I had to revert to the Bon-4 and then back to my CB-6000, what a nightmare. And at some point I just bit the bullet and deleted the stimulus from my life, and locked into my CB-6000 for the haul until my Rage Cage gets here in a few days.

So I’ve been locked, for a few months now, 24/7. With no breaks and no cheats. Since I’ve removed the porn and the hard drives and the web sites, like I said, I am MUCH MORE focused on my life and other things I was not doing, now that I have A LOT more free time to myself.

I cannot believe all the time I was wasting editing, and filing and fooling around with myself, it is just incredible.

If you’ve got a problem, and you want a solution, we here are all about solutions, be they addictive or sexual. If you are in a Dom/Mistress relationship, let’s chat. If you are in a chastity relationship, tell me about it.

If Todd were here, I’m sure he would approve. Because in my heart of hearts He is with me all the time, every day, every minute I am still breathing.

If I can change One Life, as Todd told me to do so, then, I have done my job as His Boy …

I will always be His boy …

Why Chastity ? Men …

Come on men, let’s get honest for a spell.

How many men out there, Jerk Off, Choke the Chicken, Slap the Monkey, or just simply, Masturbate?

Is a daily event, a multiple daily event, a really heavy daily event?

How many men out there, look at Porn ? I’m talking to YOU Straight Men, not only the Gay Men who might read this blog. Is Porn just the action taken when you choke your chicken, or is Porn a little more ingrained in your daily activities?

How many men out there, have film editing software on your computer, and do you use that editing software to edit, said Porn, you consume? And if you edit said Porn, how much Porn do you have on your hard drive, or do you have extra external hard drives connected to your desktop to house said Porn?

For you straight men, those who are married, or even for those single guys out there, is Porn part of your sex life with your wives, or significant others?

If you are like my parents were, what they did inside the house and even outside the house, was radically different from what they did behind their bedroom door. Were talking BDSM … My father had a book that I found on a bookshelf in our house at one point titled “Hurt Me Please.”

If sex is an issue, does it include Porn, or Not ? If sex is not an issue, as in, you don’t have sex, or your sex life is not what you wanted or expected, or your partner/significant other suffers from a mental condition that has just wiped sex from your proverbial plate, do you masturbate to make up for the fact that you don’t have sex

a) as often
b) not as often
c) it’s non-existent?

The problem with my own sex life is this: My husband is Bi-Polar. And this began over 14 years ago, after he suffered a break down and ended up comatose on the sofa for eleven months. The doctors gave him so much medication over the primary dosing period, all that toxic medication wiped part of his brain away, and we never saw it again.

What does one do when you remove passion, human touch, and sex from the equation? For most men, that would constitute divorce proceedings. Even for our women who read here, Porn is just as equal a “thing” as it is for the men. You don’t get a pass in this conversation.

We might have had sex, a handful of times, in the very beginning, but now, sex is the GIANT White Elephant in our living room.

My husband likes to Masturbate when I am not home. That’s the God’s honest truth. I’ve walked in on him coming home from work or a meeting a few times. He like to roll joints on my desk as well, not anymore though. We just don’t talk about it, nor do I want to talk about it. Mental illness does a serious harm to sex lives.

We don’t talk about sex, at all. I have my sex life and he has his. And as long as it does not infect any other portion of our marriage, that’s all and well for me.

I turned to masturbation because sex is non-existent. But after so many years, masturbation got boring and only repetitive, and I needed to just fucking STOP ALREADY. So I did.

The fact that we don’t have sex, just reinforces my desire to go it alone, and do my own thing. Which I have done for the whole of our marriage. Even in sobriety.

People who suffer addictions, it usually just isn’t One Thing. I have heard Bob tell me that when he went into rehab, his intake counselor told him that “If you have a problem with One Thing, you probably should not do Anything.”

Sober men, talk about sex A LOT. They talk in secret, though NOT in a meeting setting. Sex is an undercurrent that electrifies the men in my community. Newbies want to have sex, and we tell them, no relationships in your first year. What do I tell them instead?

If you have to get off, then choke the chicken.

That advice is a double edged sword, because if you have an addict in your midst, it might not be just drugs and alcohol, it might well also be Pornography.

With the dawn of fast internet and the various choices of porn online, I don’t know a single man, who I know, who does not employ porn, in their spare time. They just don’t tell me how often they choke the chicken.

But if you ask any man if they masturbate and they answer NO –

YOU KNOW THEY ARE LYING !!!!

So advising on sex issues is not something I do a lot. I listen more than I talk. Only my best friend and I speak of, and practice Chastity. It’s not something you tell your friends in a meeting. Oh I have a chastity device, do you wanna try it on for size? Um, NO !!!

One of my guys and I talk about everything, i talk about everything with all of my guys, but more specifically, one of my young guys, I’ve been working with for a couple of years.

At the end of Spring, pornography became a topic of conversation, and so we did not talk about it much but after a little while, we both realized that Porn was more of a problem, and I took that thought to bed with me for a few weeks, until I had that prophetic dream at the end of March, and that dream gave me a solution.

For the life of me when Chastity rose out of nowhere, and some of my friends had chastity cages and were playing around with it, I was like
“HELL NO Nobody’s going to take my dick away from me … “

I put chastity, in the I’ve seen it in action, but not for me, file.

Fast Forward to April 1st, this Spring. All that changed.

The chastity run began for me, it came a month later for my best friend.

We nipped his problem in the bud, and my life has changed in ways I never imagined. I’ve eradicated my Porn habit. I’ve removed all my Porn from my computer, and I’ve been in chastity since April the 1st 2019.

Chastity is a simple device. Some of them can be very pricey, but if you know what you are looking for, and you do some homework for yourself, once again, you need to know where to look, I can help you there.

I’ve spent a fair chunk of money on several devices, for myself and one for my friend, which he paid for at the end of his run, because the CB-6000 runs $200.00 CAD. And the BON-4 runs $180.00. My Rage Cage ran me $115.00.

If you want focus, If you want some down time from touching your dick, if you want to stop masturbating, or masturbating so much, or you just need a break from a possible addiction to internet porn, then chastity might be for you.

Ask Me … Don’t be shy, we are all men and women here.

The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that there IS a problem.

Permanent

Rage Cage

In one weeks time, this cage will arrive. My run with the CB-6000 is coming to an end. I find that the plastic cage has its drawbacks. I’ve been wearing it on and off, along with my BON-4 Metal cage for 160 days.

The problem with a closed cage is that if you wear it for long periods of time, cleanliness becomes an issue, because it is a closed cage, and after a few days, it needs to be removed to clean, then get it back on. That is a hassle.

I’ve been researching steel cages, and after searching one of my sites, I found a seller, who produce these steel cages, at very nominal prices. Half the price of my regular cage seller, that I have been buying from since the beginning of this run.

Many people in the chastity community have commented that a steel cage, in the long run, is better than a plastic cage, and also, the silicone cages have been warned off from.

So I chose this particular cage, the “Rage Cage.” it is so named because only the most hardcore chastity folks will find this one a challenge. On the particular site, Fetish Toy Box They sell many types of cages, in all forms, steel, silicone, and the poly carbonate CB line.

I’ve been shopping at the CB-X.com website for the odds and ends for the CB line. I bought the CB-6000 here in Montreal, at Priape and also bought one for a friend at the beginning of summer. The first cage I purchased at Priape was the BON-4 metal cage that I started with. Then moved to the CB-6000.

The CB-X shop has parts that they sell individually, that are not available in retail shops, which came in handy over the past few months.

The Rage Cage is going to run half of what I paid for my CB-6000. I have another BON-4 metal cage that I am using right now, because it is an open air cage, that is metal, and does not have the same issues as my CB-6000.

When the Rage Cage arrives, I am going to have it modified once I get it on, so that there is no locking mechanism, hence (no lock). In the end it will be soldered shut with a soldering gun, meaning that once I solder the mechanism locked, there is no taking it off, PERIOD !!!

I will enter full chastity mode, with the Rage Cage solidly sealed shut.

Sex is a distraction, and so is masturbation. Something I have come to realize over the past few months. The reason my friend and I entered into this fetish, was to curb the obsession with our dicks. Because what good is man, without his penis. Many men I know, in my social circle, sex and masturbation are at the top of the list of important topics to discuss.

If you eliminate the obsession, you can focus on other things, that are much better for you, than always relying on your “mister” for satisfaction.

Realizations

Pondering in the Shower

There is something to be said about having specific knowledge.

Dressing to go outside takes a little more thought and consideration, so that I do not draw unnecessary attention to myself in public spaces.

There is only ONE other human being who “Knows.”

Being self conscious is natural.

In order to combat this state of mind, means one takes one little extra precaution. That comes in the form of what is called a modesty pad. My friend Jeffrey makes clothing for men, and one of his accessories, is this modesty pad.

When tights began to make their way into menswear, we needed a little help in the “package” department, because people were noticing a little more than we had imagined, and some complained about “Package size” and could you really … “wear something a little less conspicuous.”

Being locked up brings with it, a little apprehension about going out in public. Because of the accessory involved.

Not that the public matter, but if you are like me, you too “People watch on public transit.” I’m not a crotch watcher, I just like to look at folks and see what they are wearing, what kind of haircut they have and on the very ODD occasion, find a cop on the metro who is a shit brick house, and is good looking too.

There was only one Cop who matched that description, one afternoon on the Metro. I could of walked up to him for kicks and said “Arrest Me Please” just for the sheer fun of the activity.

Shit Brick House Cop + Handcuffs = HOT !!!

Day four, and I have not changed my routine, but going out in public is a little more “charged” because I know something that the rest of you don’t.

I put myself in this predicament, by my own hands, and turned the responsibility over to my key holder to enforce the term.

Which puts me in a mind fuck kind of situation when out in public. Knowing that your body is locked up, for certain reasons, and I think to myself, “well, why not just don’t touch yourself, for God’s sake.”

It’s not that cut and dry.

Not having access to physically being able to touch yourself is the key. I mean, everything is done today, with the added knowledge that you have an added layer of security ON YOU, at ALL TIMES.

And I think to myself that there might be another man, in my immediate area, who shares this little “issue” with me, and we’d never know, unless someone breaks their anonymity in open community.

And just who is gonna do that ???

I said earlier this week, that I have several friends who are on this kind of kick, or had been, the last time we saw each other. So I don’t know today.

I just know it makes me a little uneasy, or more, “Conscious” of the state of my body, underneath my clothing. It’s sexy but not sexy at the same time.

I’m really not thinking sexual thoughts, unless someone or something spurs on that kind of thought (cue Humpy Cop on the Metro).

I’m really not a sexually oriented human being. Sex, is really not the thing at the top of my “think list” unless it comes up in conversation with someone who makes mention of the topic.

I’m not oriented to think “sexual thoughts” when I am with my friends or at a meeting. It’s really not cool at all. Being in my fifties, and having lived through that phase of my life where, every good looking man, gay or straight was conquest material, I’ve grown up.

Falling for, or falling in love with a straight man, or your straight friends is always fraught with complications. So no, I don’t go there.

My straight friends don’t want to hear about my sex life, when on the odd occasion, their sex life comes up in conversation.

Which turned into this serious denial of physical contact.

These were the thoughts running through my head, as I was on the Metro a little while ago, today.

I’ve got something going on, and while yes it is a charge, to to speak, I also know something about life that you don’t.

And Wouldn’t You Like To Know ?

Honest Appraisal

Yesterday my wise friend said a few things to me, directly.

He told me I needed to stop talking and start walking. He also said that, now that I had created a huge space in my life, by taking away the part that was problematic for a period of time, that I would need to find something to fill that gap with. He said I needed to shut up and put up.

Sometimes your friends know what is good for us. For me.

Tonight we talked about Step 10. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

A long time ago, at one point, in the history of my former home group, that I am part of again today, we were three men. At one point, a group of women walked in, and asked to join the group.

We were overjoyed.

Those women, who came from different places, now residing here, came to us, with a practice already in place, with the women each of them were working with. They came religiously, Early! Two by two. Hours early. And they read their Big Books together. And each night, we heard them mention doing something particular … A written tenth step with a phone call the next morning with their respective sponsors.

They guys were watching this, and we said out loud, to each other, AND to the women present, that we too wanted to do this too. Women here, only work with women, not the men. So we, the men, had to figure out what it was we were seeing done, and to replicate it ourselves.

It took some time. But eventually we figured it out.

I have a specific ritual I follow daily. I start my day with meditation, I read my teacher’s morning post, that he puts up daily. And I go into my day. I don’t usually plan my days, because they are open, and I wait for opportunity to show up.

At the end of my day, I used to practice a certain task.

Monday morning, I took the action to remove that practice from my life, for a permanent period of time. Forcing me to straighten out my life, once and for all. To be honest with another human being, with my failures and faults, to own up to them and to begin trying something new, in the space that is now open to me.

My friend told me to find the action I needed to take to begin walking the walk, instead of just talking about it. Direct …

I’ve been coasting in sobriety for a long time, waiting patiently for the right old timer to walk up to me and say – Hey let’s do something together.

I’ve been waiting. But honestly, the sober bracket I am in is empty of others in the same bracket I am in, the 17 to 20 year bracket. Most of the old timers I know are over the 25 to 30 year bracket and are on their own journeys. So they don’t necessarily engage us younger men. That is lacking.

Tonight I made the God connection that began on Sunday. I know what to do. But I’ve been slacking. Too much. I have not stepped up into my own sobriety and do something concrete, because I’ve been coasting for so long, waiting for inspiration.

On the odd occasion, as it happens for me, God tried to get my attention, and I missed the calls. The end stage is, if you aren’t paying attention, God drops the wall on you. (Cue Sunday’s Prophetic Dream).

Ok, I heard you. I am listening. I took that dream to the only other human, familiar with the issue, because he has his own and we talked. And he set me straight, so to speak.

I know the book. I know the steps. I know the work. I just have not been connecting all three together.

I have the time, and now I have the inspired thought and I know what I have to do. The ball, had already been set in motion, with a handful of people I am present for.

I need the focus, the direct focus to make solid changes that stick.

Taking away a waste of effort and juice, was the first necessary step to become focused, unlike I have been all along.

When you point inner energy into a specific effort by removing the wastage, and the blocking, physically and spiritually, you get true energy that is useful and you get to utilize that energy in pin point form.

If there is something wrong in the world, it usually follows that the problem resides in me. I am not the center of the universe. And acceptance is the key to all of my problems.

I went to great lengths to stop a problem. I needed to find the focal point, and I need to shut up and put up, stop talking and start walking.

I think I know what that means at the moment.

More to come.

Key Holder

After yesterday’s technicolor dream and the prophetic nature of the message, I followed through to the end this morning.

I had researched my quest last night, and decided to go with my local seller, Priape and save some serious cash, on the exchange and shipping from the U.S.

The man who works in the fetish shop in the basement was there when I arrived. I’ve known him for over 18 years. We’ve been friends since the day he started working at Priape, and we’ve become good friends. So he knows all about me and my fetish likes and dislikes. Because he’s the one who sold me on every purchase I’ve ever made in the shop.

That is a good contact to have.

I learned a long time ago, when I moved to Montreal, that in Montreal, sex is a common subject. It is not taboo, and the fact that I said yesterday that there are sex shops scattered all over the city, speaks for itself.

In the Gay Village, Priape is our flagship store. We’ve kept that store open in the darkest of times, when at one point the shop had been sold, and they were going to just shut it down for good. We, the community, had other plans. We got the store re-opened and it rocks the community.

When I worked for Todd back in the 90’s, the bar was a hard core fetish bar, serving the leather community. Right up my alley. But Todd knew I had a dark side, and he kept men and myself apart, on purpose. Because he knew I could get into serious trouble if left to my own devices, which is why Todd took me in and forbade me to engage, and forbade the men in the bar to ever touch me, Period ! Those rules saved my life.

Because I can tell you honestly, that some of the hard core leather men who were sick (then) took down many of my younger friends in my age group. They got them addicted to drugs and alcohol, then infected them with AIDS, and all of them died in the end. I was the only young leather man left standing alive, when all was said and done.

Hundreds of people died. And I survived them all.

Moving to Montreal, I attempted to break into the community, that took a lot of work, but in the end, I failed because of the two solitude’s. If you did not speak French in a mostly French neighborhood, you were finished.

But I made some good connections in the process. The men at Priape became friends, who did not judge me because I did not speak French.

The Male Chastity fetish was born a couple of years ago. I watched it rise on Tumblr and within the limited Leather Community I was following online. After the dawning of this little denial of sex began to rise, the straight community took hold of it and ran with it.

The race to build the Best Mouse Trap began.

There are many companies that claim to have the best product. And since that dawn, I have watched the evolution of it grow exponentially. I know my personal sellers. Some ran well with it, where others, only dabble here and there.

Friends of mine, here in Montreal, engaged in this kink. I knew this because they told me so. I was kind of jealous that my friends had better sex lives than I had.

Truth … 17 years ago, when my husband was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II Rapid Cycling and the drugs were introduced to his body, over the ten months they dosed him with the myriad of drugs they were trying to see if they worked, at the end of the line, the man who went in, was NOT the man I got when he came out the other side. Our sex life all but died. We’ve not had sex, but maybe twice in the last 17 years. So fuck me now.

Let’s just say, that if I want to jerk off, I can. And there is nobody who is going to see or stop me.

Over the last little while, I’ve been in conversation with my friend, who shall remain nameless. He knows my situation, because he has his own.

I went to the shop and got my device. My friend showed me how it worked, and how it went on. I came home and wow, what a nightmare getting it on, but once it was on, it wasn’t coming off.

It isn’t a denial in full, until you give your keys away to someone who will hold them for you, for whatever period of time, until you want them back.

I had to get rid of my keys today.

I made the call to my friend, and we met for coffee and had quite the conversation. Because I told him, he was part of the dream last night. We talked honestly and openly.

I handed him my keys and told him that I did not want them back until the end of the summer when he comes back into Montreal for school. Now I am fucked until at least September. There is no going back now, I did not keep a back up key here, because that would be a temptation to cheat and unlock the device early.

He is going home to Alberta after this term, so he won’t even be here, to give me the keys back, even if I wanted them. He will have them on him. So I am doubly fucked.

But he agrees that knowing he’s holding those keys, will seriously remind him that he is also in the same boat as I am. Because he has the same issue that I do. So he knows he can join this challenge if he wants to. But just holding the keys, right now, is enough a deterrent to interrupt the cycle.

Lockup began at 11 am this morning. And will run, until at least September.

I don’t have the keys. And the device is locked.

Call Me By Your Name …

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I bought the book. It is sitting on my bedside table. I’m part way into the story. And I broke my own rule about first reading the book, before seeing the film.

There are films, that I have seen, from this particular genre, over the years. Each one of them evoke particular emotions and feelings. As I began reading the book, the other night, one particular emotions was drawn to the surface.

It has happened in my life, that feeling of crossing the divide into love, for the very first time. Happenstance, if you will. Once, when I was nineteen. And on another occasion, when I was just a bit older.

It was the Summer of my 19th year. My mother was in a resentful battle with her sister, miles away. My mother, ever the bitter bitch, forbade me contact. I ignored her.

Her battles were not my battles. And her resentments were not my resentments. Just to be clear, I never carried forwards the hatred that my parents carry to their graves.

But I digress …

I flew home to Connecticut for a few days. One night there was a party. Drinking ensued.

Yukkafutz …

Yukkafutz, is a 2 gallon mason jar, with a cup of sugar at the bottom, all kinds of fresh fruit, and on top of that, ice. Followed by 2 gallons of Vodka.

The top is sealed, and the jar is covered with a towel. Everybody in the drinking circle takes turns shaking the bottle, as the ice melts, the sugar melts and the vodka infuses the fruit, in the jar, the jar eventually ices over …

Everybody has a straw.

The jar goes around and around until the vodka is gone. Another cup of sugar is added, more fruit, and more ice, and another 2 gallons of vodka follows.

By the end of the second round, everyone is pretty plastered.

There was a particular man, at this dinner party. Blond hair, tanned physique, I did not know if he was gay or not. All I knew was that, he was not going to drive home drunk, and that eventually he would end up in my bed that very night.

Hell, I wasn’t sure if I was gay either. I’d never acted on my sexual orientation up until then, not even with a woman. I mean I’ve kissed a girl, but that is as far as my womanly education went.

We drank, and hooted and hollered. As the night wore on, I moved closer and closer to where he was sitting, until I was practically, sitting on top of him. With teenage lust in my heart.

I took his keys from his pocket, and I hid them where neither of us would find them until we at least sobered up, by the next morning.

As darkness fell, people who were staying, went to bed. Others left, quietly, by car. Alas, my man friend, was not going anywhere.

As the house grew quiet, I pulled the sofa bed out, and my friend took the sofa, off to the other side of the room. Not knowing quite sure what to do, I followed the guidebooks, that my father had left for me to read.

I will never forget that night, as long as I live.

We saw each other over the next few days before I had to return to Florida.

Our parting was as bitter-sweet as Oliver and Elio.

I kept that secret for more than two years. Nobody knew that I had slept with him that night, under my aunt’s roof.

That was, hands down, the boldest thing I had ever done in my life up to that point.

Gay men, of my ilk, of my day and age, had a particular philosophy. One, that it only takes three drinks to turn a straight man gay, and Two, some believed, that a coupled man, was more of a hunt, than a single man.

Meaning … The hunt was much better, if you could bed someone, who was already dating, or involved with someone else in particular, if you did bed that man, you win the grand prize.

On top of my medicine cabinet, to this very day, sits a bottle of OBSESSION, by Calvin Klein. A memory of an act I perpetrated, long ago.

I had two room mates, older than me, in that year. We had three friends, who worked at the Tragic Queendom. Charlie, Dustin, and David. Charlie and I were riding the hobby-horse, until he left from his contract season. Dustin was gay. David, on the other hand was straight.

David was terribly attracted to the scent of Obsession.

Every time he came to our apartment, I would douse the bathroom and my pillows and sheets with Obsession. My devious plot, was to bring David, over to the dark side.

After a night of drinking, and a little concentration of Obsession, I put my plan into action. That was the one and only conquest I ever attempted, in my life.

David swung…

Let’s just say I was in heaven for about a week. Floating above the clouds, because David was particularly good-looking and sweet.

My bedroom was in the back of the apartment. One of my room mates had the Master Bedroom, just inside the front door, of the apartment. My third room-mate had the middle bedroom off to one side.

One afternoon, I came home from work early, and walked into the apartment. As I walked in, I noticed that my room-mate was entangled in his sheets with someone.

That someone happened to be David …

Unbeknownst to me, my room mate decided that he was going to bed David too, behind my back. Color me surprised !!!

That was a particularly bad scene, to say the least. I had to continue to live under that roof, until I found someplace better. I never spoke to David again.

Gay men, of my day and age, had no scruples. They would stab you in the back, in the blink of an eye, if they felt they could get one over on you.

That would not have been the first time, in that particular time period that I got burned badly, by another gay man. Because it happened more than once.

I was a stupid naive gay boy back then.

I wasn’t the backstabbing kind of boy, and I am not that kind of man today.

Call me by your name, and I will call you by my name …

Elio, Oliver, Elio, Oliver …