In the Grand Scheme of Things

Attempting to find where you exist, in the grand scheme of things, is a tall order.

Sobriety is not an event, but is ongoing. If you want to be sober, one must employ the cocktail of “sobriety” that is placed at your feet, (the Proverbial Tool Kit.)

If you focus on only some of what you are told to do, and you ignore the other parts of what you should do, at some point, you will find the imbalance, and there is a chance you will drink again, because the book does say … “The Alcoholic Will Drink Again.”

We read from Into Action tonight. The context behind the portion we read, is finding that one human being that you can be totally honest with. This chapter comes as we sit for our Fifth Steps.

I’ve found very few people, in the rooms, with whom, I can be totally honest with, in all things. There aren’t very many straight people, or for that matter, Gay folks, who have ever intimated that they were interested in anything I had to say, step work or other.

And for the last little while, unfurling the Lotus Flower is the order of the day. Lorna likes to say that “peeling an onion,” is unattractive to her, she’d rather, unfurl a lotus flower. A lotus flower sits on a pad on the mud. And unfurls all its petals. Sobriety is like that lotus flower. All the good and bad, the resentments and the short comings, are there. At night, the lotus flower folds up, and each morning the flower unfurls all its pretty petals.

I’ve been shedding parts of me, that I have uncovered, that are objectionable. Those parts of me, that I’ve been ready to look at honestly, with new eyes. Ridding myself of other behaviors, not just the alcoholism, or drug addiction, the rest of me is still there. And at some point in sobriety, we find that we’ve come to the point that we are spiritually ready to do some heavy lifting.

I’ve shared this portion of my journey with two people. My Elder Spiritual Director, and my best friend, who is participating in Locktober with me. When you take away, the ability to act selfishly, and you take away the portion of self will run riot, one begins to see the world and our place in that world differently.

I’ve known where I sit in the grand scheme of things for a very long time. When I got sick, I was a mess, in every way possible. To sort out my brain, and my “all over the place” emotions, Todd gave me the one tool, that changed my life and saved it, as well.

I was to leave my monkey brain at the door. And when I entered the bar, the only thing I was to think about, was what I had to do, on any given night, and Only That.

Serving others, Alphas, Betas, Subs, Masters, Doms, was what I was told to do. My job was to be the best at serving others, to the best of my abilities. It was my job, at times to welcome visitors, singers, celebrities, you name it. I’ve met my fair share of famous people in my life, this goes for in sobriety as well.

My Master Todd, never gave me a title. He never called me by any other name than the one he coined: “Little One.”

I worked, night after night, for one thing. To make sure, that my efforts at whatever I was doing, did not go unnoticed. That was a harsh lesson, for sure.

In the end, I learned that if you go to work, you do the best job you can, with everything that you have, and IF you do that very good job, you won’t need anyone’s approval or accolade.

Every night, in Sobriety, I work. I have keys to several churches in Montreal. I have those keys, so that I won’t have to wait outside for anyone else to open up a room. because when it is (-20c) outside with snow on the ground, one does not want to have to wait on anyone top come and open whenever they wish to.

Last Fall I worked my steps. I am working steps with new folks. I have my guys I work with and meetings I go to and also, meetings I serve as trusted servant.

I know my place in the grand scheme of things.

In certain circles there is a term for that position. I know what it means for me. I have had enough time to sit and ponder my place in the world. I know who I am today, and the role I play in the lives of my friends.

Yet, there is only ONE person, who I am intimately honest with.

Back in April, when Chastity was introduced, it took a month, for my best friend to realize and accept that he was the other player, in the prophetic dream I had, that initiated this phase of life. He accepted chastity willingly. And spent 100 days locked up. Along with myself, here in Montreal. At the end of that run, he admitted why he wanted to be released.

Honestly, all he wanted was to meet a girl and have sex.

Well, since that day, that event did not come to pass. Our world is still being reorganized. In September, I handed him my keys for my rage cage. He agreed, again, willingly, to participate in Locktober. We are on Day 10.

We meet every Sunday to discuss progress, and to share where we are spiritually, mentally, and physically. On Sunday night we spoke honestly. And I brought up, his past goal, and he admitted that yeah, all he wanted was a selfish pursuit.

He then asked me, if I took off my cage, would I be able to not touch myself, without it? Honestly, I told him, No Guarantees. He tends to think that chastity is a short term decision. Because he is not in the same space I am. We are two different men, with different inclinations, and orientations.

I know, that I would rather keep my cage on me. And I’d rather he keep my keys, so that I don’t have the choice to take my will back, and act selfishly. He said, “well, I know, sex is all around us, all of the time.” You cannot escape societies, bent towards sexual gratification. If you don’t feed the wolf, it starves.

So which wolf are you going to feed ?

All I know right now, is this. I know my place, in the grand scheme of things. And I know what I have to do. I’ve been talking to friends in my social community. Each person I have spoken to recently, tell me the same observations they are realizing. We concur on several points.

My Best friend also asked me if I had an End Goal? I told him I did not. In my world, there is only progression and change, and that progression and change are not short term goals, because sobriety is not a short term goal, sobriety is for life.

Coming to grips with who I am, knowing that my spiritual director has told me, himself, that I am right where I need to be, and that I’ve made progress in my life, spiritually. I kind of know where God is, in all of this, and as long as I follow my spirit, then at some point, God will tell me what I need to know, and what I need to do next.

Intimate honesty is key. Having someone, you can be intimately honest with, can change lives.

May your name be Inscribed in the book.

G’Mar Chatima Tova …

Selfish Motives

There are times, when I think only about myself. There are times, when my heart is pounding out of my chest, and I know this feeling well, it is the feeling I get when I decide to act on selfish thoughts, and I act, entirely in self mode.

Several times, in the past few days, I’ve had that chest pounding feeling, that always precedes a selfish motive of selfish action.

Tonight, prior to the meeting starting, i was sitting in my chair, friends in the room were having conversations, that did not include me, because I was sitting across the room from them, and I sat there, and entertained the chatter in my head.

For about twenty minutes I sat there, uncomfortable, and in my head. That feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest was present. Like I said, I know this feeling. Whenever I sit and ponder selfish motives or selfish action, I feel it.

We were talking about feeling things, rather than thinking them, on the way home.

I made a decision. And now I have to live with that decision. I should know that if I made a decision, based on Godly counsel, that I really should stick to that plan. Because I also know what happens when I say to myself, I know better than God. It is then, when I become God, in my head, and in my motives.

And I know that I am Not God.

I am in Locktober. So even if I wanted to act selfishly, I cannot.

That does not assuage the feelings, I sometimes have, that my body says, fuck that noise, just take matters into your own hands, and Act, On, Self.

You know what happens when you take your will back right ?
We Do Stupid Things.

And I know, God is watching me. He knows, everything, even before I think it.

We spoke about God tonight. Bill, in As Bill Sees It, talks about God an awful lot.

And I told my friend, on the way home tonight, that we haven’t seen any really militant anti God folks come through the room as of late. They’ve all Come and Gone. None of them have returned.

And I spoke my story about God to the room.

I know my Higher Power, Whom I choose to call God.

I relate this story….

When God wants your attention, he whispers, once.
If you miss that first whisper, He whispers again.

If you miss the whisper for the second time,
He hits you over the head with a two by four.

If you miss the third hit, of that two by four,
He drops a brick wall on top of you.

The two whispers came, and I did nothing, to intimate that I heard them.

A few weeks ago, I was in bed, and the third hit came, a very vivid technicolor dream.
I knew this was the third pass. And I knew that if I did not heed the suggestion, that was Divine, that I would definitely pay the price.

I know what it feels like to have the brick wall fall on top of me.

It has happened in the past. And I have avoided that happening because I usually listen to Divine inspiration.

I remember sitting in Westmout Square sobbing as a huddled mess. I knew, very well, that on that night, God dropped the wall on me because I did not listen nor pay attention.

I know God well enough to know when He means business.

Because I have that kind of relationship with my God. He does not play games with me, because in the past, I played games with Him. He cuts me no slack.

If I want to fuck off on God, I know, I will definitely pay the price for that Fuck Off.

Sometimes I just want to act on selfish motives.

And I know I cannot. For a couple of damn good reasons.

God either IS or He ISN’T. God is either Everything or he is Nothing.

God Is, and God is Everything.

These things I know are True.

I Can’t Save Every Kid !!!

I’m terribly upset tonight. I don’t know what to do now. I’m angry. The beginners group I had my meltdown at a couple weeks ago, failed another kid.

There is a young boy. A Hard Core drug addict. He is always by himself, though he shows up, weekly. I didn’t see him the last time I was there. Because I took my leave immediately after said meeting.

I don’t have a drug story. I did not use hard drugs, so I Cannot say those words:
I know how you feel, let me tell you how I dealt with that …

This young man, when he goes down the rabbit hole, goes to the bitter end, and usually ends up in the back of an ambulance. He has been in several rehabs, and still, he hasn’t kicked the habit, totally.

Tonight I gave the chip away, and wouldn’t you know it, he got up and took a chip and said that he had a moment a couple nights ago, depressed he said those words: FUCK IT !!

Used, and ended up in the back of another ambulance.At least he showed up and took another chip. Sadly, he was on the cusp of a year clean and sober.

That meeting failed another kid. None of the old timers in that meeting will lift a hand and offer help. They just sit in piety listening to misery and woe.

I can’t save him. I don’t have the experience to make it work. I don’t know if I have it in me to go down that road, knowing what I am dealing with. I know the story, and I don’t have an analog.

Fuck me.

I’m terribly disappointed. This young man is number 15 …

He could have died, again. And nobody has lifted a finger to help him.

I said hello when he walked in, odd that he would show up tonight. He usually doesn’t come to the Thursday meeting. But he was there for a reason. And in the end, it was me that handed him his next beginners chip.

What am I supposed to do now

Addiction is a life and death business. This is not a joke. And people who can help DON’T.

FUUUUCK !

This I Know is True

There is a God, and I am NOT God.

I am pondering God, this morning, because in a few hours time, I will kneel with a woman and pray the Third Step with her, formally, for her first run.

And as for prayer, and God, I know, that I Know God. Intimately. If you have been following along for a while, you know the story of Todd:read:God. God has been a presence in my life, for all of my life.

Many times, along the continuum I walked with God, intimately.

Then there were times, when I turned my back on God, because of my selfishness and self centered-ness. And paid for those character defects terribly.

Eighteen years on, in a few months, I have renewed my spirit. I’ve been sober all this time, and I have learned a great deal about myself, and those I care about. A handful of honest men, tell me the truth, and I respect them greatly for their honesty.

When Todd walked into my life, as a thunderous God, he turned my life upside down, from the very first moment I set eyes on him. He did not disappoint. When he took me in when I got sick, and asked me to simply trust him, with everything I had, I knew he was true.

Every night, for two years, on my knees we knelt together while I sobbed in his arms, because I was so sick, and was destined to die, miserably, like so many others.

His promise to me was simple, as long as I was on his watch, he would do everything he could to keep me alive. Twenty Five Years Later, I still tell this story because he was true.

Todd is true; God is True;. He saved me from imminent death.

Every night, I turned my will and my life over to the care of Todd:read:God. I was getting sober at that time, but sobriety took a back seat to staying alive, in the middle of the maelstrom of AIDS. I did stay sober, despite the toxic AA community I was associated with, and it did not get better, but worse. In the end, I walked out the door, to almost die in selfish pursuits.

Another God shot saved me. Because one angel knew where I was a got me out of dodge and saved my life.

I know, intimately, what the Third Step is, and what it means.

I am now ready to serve God in any capacity He sees fit to give me.

I’ve turned my entire life over to Him, there is not a single part of me that is not standing in the light right now. I made a commitment to my God, a commitment that took me six months to finally get. Six months of inner battling with my darkest demon, ended.

I made the final commitment of chastity to my God.The final piece of my darkest puzzle is now in the light. there is nothing left to hide, nothing to keep secret.

I turned my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him, fully, without reservation or regret. I know where I am going, and what voice I am listening to, in my innermost heart of hearts.

There is true faith. When you get sober, you learn what kind of spirituality you want, because it is your free choice to make that decision. God, as you understand Him. God can be many things to many people. For as many people there are in our community, there is a belief in something that is aiding in keeping us all sane and sober.

It must be miraculous, because I know a lot of down and outers, who are sane, sober and are good people, both men and women.

So I listen to my heart, and I speak to God in whispers. And I wait for what He is going to show me or ask me to do, and I will do whatever He commands of me, whenever need be.

As a teen ager, I made a commitment, to Jesus, to follow Him, and be a soldier for God. That was untenable. The climate was too toxic for a teen ager to carry through with that commitment. Now more than 37 years later, I follow through with that commitment, because I was reminded of a time when I was young, clean, happy, and really, a different human being. Music is salvation.

Lying in my bed, my inner music player, started playing an old tune I remembered. So I came to my I tunes and downloaded two records, which are on my phone now, that I listen to constantly. Reminders of Christianity as a young person, and I was reminded of my promise to Jesus, God, to serve them.

I made that promise to God a few weeks earlier, when I made my final chastity covenant with God. And He followed through with Grace.

Now I am clean. Totally, without reservation. I have no regrets.

There is a choice to be made when we approach the Third Step:

God either IS or He Isn’t. God is Everything or He is Nothing !

What was our choice to be ? It comes right out of the book. It actually speaks these words to us at the end of We Agnostics.

I know God is true. God IS and He is Everything.

I walk in the light as I had as a young man. Faith is my salvation. God is my redeemer. And the maker of my life, and has for my whole life, but most importantly these past twenty five years, when I know God was on my side, because I live, and can tell the story about how I survived imminent death, when everybody else that was around me is long dead.

Only two of us survived that maelstrom. Mark, my friend who lives in Florida, who worked with me, in Todd’s bar, all those years ago, and myself.

He had his path to salvation and I had mine. I had the ace up my sleeve, Todd:read:God.

Had there been no Todd, there would not have been any God. And I would be long dead now. Thankfully, God became incarnate and walked with me, spoke to me, and gave me a life I surely did not imagine even possible, because if you told me then, how good my life would be today, I would have laughed you off the planet.

God Is Good, God is True.

This I know is True.

Sometimes you Must tell the Truth

At some point in sobriety, you learn that your experience, observations of others, and the way people behave, or act, plays out to the point that one must speak a truth. At some point, what you know, to that point, plays well with what you have learned in sobriety.

For me, I never knew if I met those qualifications…

I never thought I had anything of substance to say that mattered. And for many years, I always second guessed what I wanted to say, in regards to the community I am going to share words, within.

I’ve said before that, I never knew, if I “Had it” to give, because I got no feedback from anyone from either direction, as in, a positive criticism, or a negative criticism. People would rather tell me what they think about my clothing, or my collar, or the color of my underwear. Not that anyone can see my underwear, but that was one comment I’ve gotten.

In the last year or two, I had added the Monday and Tuesday night meeting. Both full of young people, early in sobriety. Both communities are experiencing growing pains when it comes to sexual tension, and the broadening of the sexual spectrum. I have chosen to stay out of that battle for my own sanity.

Beginners meetings, they tell us, are important, for our own goods, because it reminds us of where we have been, in order to share experience, strength and hope with those coming up the pike. I get that.

But at some point, one has to look out for ones mental health, sanity and personal well being. And painful as it is to say, I’ve outgrown my willingness to sit in a room filled with misery, and having to sit with kids who are in trouble, miserable, though, don’t want a solution, because they need to learn their lessons the hard way, because we cannot save everyone. And nobody is listening to a single thing I have said recently.

We read How It Works day in and day out, meeting after meeting. We work steps, over and over. And you never know what you are going to get from me, at any given meeting. But recently, I had a five minute rant, stream of consciousness.

And I spoke the God’s Honest Truth, Rigorous Honesty.

Today, I had a conversation with another friend who heard my share last week, and told me to my face, how bothered he was by my truth telling, that it rubbed him the wrong way. But after he left that particular meeting, took home what I had said, and thought about it further, and decided that what I had done was right. That, in the end, he agreed with me.

Most of my friends agree with my honest appraisal of people.

I am powerless over people, places, and things.

I had a conversation with the men, at my men’s group earlier tonight, and I got some help. They all know, true to form, that we only learn, and grow, when we stop making the same mistakes. My men are honest men. They tell me the truth. And I know, how long it took them to “Get it.” and “Grow up.” and “Get Sober.”

At this point, I live in the solution. And I share that solution with the folks who want to partake of that solution. Right from The Book.

You can only sit in a room full of misery and woe for so long, before the pain of listening to that misery and woe, gets to be too much. Old timers sit in meetings like that and say to themselves, “God, I’m so glad I am not them any longer…” And yes, I’ve said that to myself before as well.

I’ve grown enough to know what I can do, and how I can do any one thing. I know my friends, miss me when I don’t hit a regular meeting, I got that tonight from a lady friend who noticed I was absent Tuesday night. And I told her why I was absent. My reasoning troubled her. But it is what it is.

I have better things to do right now, than spend my profitable hours sitting in holes of misery. I’m too old for this shit. And I have better things to do. If people want my help, they know where to find me, and how to reach me. Because I am all over the city, every God damned week. I am a clockwork service hound.

You either want to get well, or you don’t. You either decide you really want to grow up, or remain the person you are, and fight the process tooth and nail. I’m tired of watching people suffer and share about it over and over. I have better things to do with my time.

You can only stay so young or so dumb, until it stops working for you.

We all must grow up at some point. You can either hang on for dear life, or you can let go and let God.

When you are ready to grow up, let me know.

Fall Re-Orientation

On Friday night, it got really dark, earlier than everybody was expecting. Here in Canada, it is beginning to get dark earlier and earlier. And with DST coming, it will be dark by 4 p.m. in the afternoon soon.

And this change coming, I associate with the Fall/Winter reorientation for meetings. From now, until the end of October, I am telling my guys, and everybody else who listens to me, that people will begin to reassess where they will be going through the next few months.

As it begins to get colder an then snow begins to fall, people will really get funky. Every year it is the same. As the cold begins, people will figure out how much time they will spend above ground, trekking from home to either a bus stop OR the Metro. How long they will have to wait for a connection, then how much time they will spend trekking from point B to a meeting. And the same time period going back home in the other direction.

I am guilty of this myself.

There are particular meetings, situated in locations that one has to walk a fair distance to reach a Metro Kiosk, or to catch a bus, that will, in the end bring you to that same location, and back again. So walking and waiting is an issue for me. Because last year, sitting outside a church waiting for someone to open the hall is a pain in the ass. And then after the meeting having to walk to either point A, a bus stop, or point B, the Metro becomes a pain.

And I won’t wait outside a church for someone to saunter up whenever they like to open while it is (-20c) outside and windy. I just won’t do it.

Which is why I have keys to all the meetings I go to now.

I open early, well early for anyone to show up, EARLY. I don’t have to wait outside, Period!!!

I can open and close quite easily. On Sunday the Brewery Mission is always open, I don’t have to wait outside. The coffee is always ready when we get there, provided by the house to us. It is on the Metro line, just 5 stops up from home, and a short walk through the tunnel down to the metro, a 5 minute walk.

If it really snows, people won’t show up. But if you dangled a beer in front of them, yes, they would show up. Funny that …

As Winter progresses, only the die hard alcoholics come out for meetings, but you find on Christmas and New Years, people come out in droves. Christmas is always a great meeting, because we’ve had upwards of 30 to 40 people show up for a Christmas meeting. Which is why we Always are open on Christmas. One, for those who need it, if they are alone, and Two, because being with family is always a stress-er.

When Spring arrives and the first Resto opens the first terrace, outside, the story is always the same. Folks who have been suffering cabin fever get on their bikes, and go for a spin. As usual, they get hot and sweaty, and then they get thirsty. And what eventually happens, Every Year …

They roll by a terrace, with tables and chairs, they sit down at a table and what do they do?

THEY DRINK …

The story is always the same, with the SAME people, every year, I can predict it like clockwork.

If you are an alcoholic and you go to meetings, now it the time when you re-assess where you will go. Find the meetings you like, and get Serious. Commit to the meetings you will hit from NOW until Spring. make that a priority. You don’t want to get caught up in the

“Oh it’s too cold, or I don’t wanna go out in the cold syndrome.”

Hitting meetings is serious business in the Winter. Don’t be a lazy asshole.

Make your Fall/Winter meetings a top priority. Commit and then stick to that plan, come hell or high water, or cold and deep snow.

If you drank in the Winter, you can hit a meeting in the Winter. There is no excuse to slack up on your program. Staying sober in the Winter is tough and rough. I have now warned you of what’s to come.

Stick, Stay and Remain Sober. Now is the time to sort out your meeting schedule. It might save your life or the life of another. We show up, so others will show up. We make sure rooms are open all over the holiday season just for YOU.

Make use of them.

Don’t be an idiot.

Friday … Thoughts

Friday, Thank God it’s Friday, Friday, Fridaaaaaaaaay !!!

Basking in the afterglow of Thursday’s experience, sharing the book. I called my friend and told him what had happened last night, and today we had a second conversation about it.

You never know when inspiration is gonna hit, because specific spiritual experience is always a surprise. I just know that in my experience, if i wanna see a spiritual experience, I have to go to a meeting, and watch my friends, continue to get sober.

I’ve listened to people read the book, in a meeting setting. Several times. I’ve read the big book, in a meeting setting, several times. It has been my experience, that if I am going through a hard time, in any way, that if I sit in a big book meeting, I am not going to drink.

I’ve used that tactic before, and it worked. What stunned me afterwards, was the number of people who have read the big book, in the same room, decide, after reading said book, to drink again.

We talked tonight about criticism. Whether that be negative or positive criticism. Most people stay away from criticism. And if someone has something critical to say, they usually couch that criticism, in the form of a suggestion.

For the longest time, even as long as I’ve been sober, I always second guess myself. I am my own worst critic. And all along, I go to different meetings, and I share here and there. For a little while, like a year, whenever I would open my mouth, not sure if what i was about to say, was correct, or wrong, or maybe I should just shut up, I would talk. Sometimes just to hear myself talk.

Hoping against hope, that someone, anyone, would give me something ? Anything ?

I don’t know what old timers think about me, or about anything I say in open community. As I said, I share at discussion meetings, and when nobody said anything to me, nor do they even intimate, something in my direction, I have thrown caution to the wind. And I just let it fly.

But I know that before I speak, I’ve done my homework. I collect data in meetings, and then when appropriate, I let it fly. I read the book. I go to meetings. I work with others. I don’t criticize my guys openly, or even to their faces.I take the same tack my sponsor uses with me. If I talk to my sponsor and tell him a story, about me, or something that is weighing on my mind, my sponsor will tell me a story about him, and that story is not necessarily a sober story, but it could be a life story. Within that story, is usually couched a lesson.

With Todd, if he wanted me to learn something, he used work, or a chore, to make his point. Everything I did in that bar, during those two years, there was a lesson couched within my work. Everything I did came with a life lesson, that Todd thought I would need, HAD I reached the point of no return, with my AIDS diagnosis. All the major lessons, were about survival, and self care. He believed that if I could learn to do something that I did not necessarily want to do that was either difficult, or dirty, or repugnant, there was a reason he pushed my envelope. Because in the end, when I succeeded at doing something for him, that if I needed to do something for myself, I would know what to do, if shit got real, or I got sicker, or if my health took a bad turn for the worse.

Gratefully, it did not get that bad. I skated above the fray, that entire period, while people were sick and dying left and right.

I’m still waiting on someone to say something to me.

I recounted to a friend, that when I hit my emotional bottom, after the Pulse shooting, I was angry and upset for a long time. The only thing old timers said to me during that period of time was this: They noticed I was angry, and they were not afraid to point out to me that I was angry. One old timer woman, at a Sunday meeting I used to go to, one night I was setting up and she walked in to my tossing chairs across the room, quite angrily. And she looked at me and said this: “You know you are angry, and I’d like you to leave this meeting and not come back, you are scaring the women.” I left that meeting and did not go back.

Nobody in all that time, offered me one clue to how to cure my anger or get over it. None of those old timers gave me anything about coping with anger or dealing with my anger, or anything sober, that might help me stop being angry in sobriety.

I rode that roller coaster ALONE, for two years, because nobody wanted to touch me with a ten foot pole. Nobody said anything to me. Not a word. In the Big Book meeting I sat in for fourteen months, not one human, gay or straight, said one word to me, in any form suggestion or criticism, i walked this road all by myself. Until the roller coaster came into the station and stopped.

That is a thing. I guess he fact that I am good, in sobriety. I am fully engaged, doing service, going to meetings, reading the book, I try not to be self centered, or egotistical, or arrogant or angry, people just leave me alone. So I am doing the best I can, with everything I have, and everything I do in sobriety.

I work my ass off, unlike many people I know in the rooms today. they will all show up, because I have keys to every meeting I go to, and I am the one who sets up and makes coffee, several times a week. They know the room will be ready and the coffee will be ready when they get there. The only criticism I would get is this … “If the coffee were to happen to be late, or the urn of coffee was not good, you bet your ass, they would say something about my coffee.” You know you’ve arrived when someone tells you that your coffee is shit !

Lastly, I know I’ve lost some readers, over the past week. because of some of the information I am posting here about my personal life and choices. That’s ok. I get it. Chastity is not a topic people want to hear about, or about my former sex life. Suffice to say, I’ve been permanently locked for two days now, and I’ve had my rage cage for three days. I love this cage. And I love that I am so good with my decisions. it has totally changed my perspective on life and my surrender.

I’m really in a good place.

God is good. In all things.

If I know I’ve done a good job, I don’t need to hear from anyone. And I do a good job, all the time, to the best of my ability.

Goodnight.