Intentionality

The talk, recently, is about God.

I like to talk about God, because He is an integral part of my existence. God has been the thread that has woven into my life from the very beginning. And I can relate all those stories over and over. Just thinking about all the close passes of God, in my life, only reinforces the fact that, I am intimately connected to God.

For a long time, I was not sure I could live up to that standard, or if that kind of God conscious life, was even tenable. I was not sure, I could safely abide in God, in all things, or if I had to try and make it, out there, in the “real world.”

I am the kind of person, who would rather, cede control to someone or something, other than myself, because I know, deep down, left to my own devices, I really do not do very well, because of my monkey brain.

With Todd:read:God, I was able to turn it all over, all of it, and trust that He had my back, and I did not ever have to second guess him, “outwardly” that is. That took some time, but once I let go, all was well.

For a very long time, I did not trust myself to make right decisions. For a long time, I did not trust my own thoughts, or my own words. I always second guessed myself, when it came to what I know, and how I know it. And I sat on my hands.

Yes, I would talk, but it was always superficial talk.

If I needed to do something, learn something, or make a decision, for years, and years, I would always have a number of people, that I would run my choices by, people I trusted, whom I believed, would direct me to the right choices.

Once piece of advice I got was this:

At one point, I did not know where I was going. early on, after I moved here. One foot below the border and the other above it. I was unsure of my moves, early on.

The advice goes thus: If you don’t know where you are or where you are going, then st down, where you are. Take out your map, study the map, and study your surroundings. Get a lay of the land, and everything in it.

When you have done all that, being fully informed as you are able, make your next choice, roll up your map and start walking.

You can always sit down and consult your map.

The map usually has one point on it, with a red dot, that says: You are Right Here. The map does not extend very far into the future, for it only tells you where you are, and gives you a little headway, but not too much to overwhelm you.

It’s only been in recent months that I’ve begin to trust what I know and how I know it, based on the fact that there aren’t very many people, critiquing what I say in public. The chatter in my head is less than it used to be, but it is still there.

I talk about prayer this way.

If you sit, and you pray, are you moving your hands and arms outwards, away from you, or are you moving your hands and arms, towards you? Are you praying intentionally, or selfishly. Outwards:Intentional, Inwards:Selfishly.

When I talk about prayer, and I move my arms away from myself, I get a flutter in my chest, a feeling of right. That I offer my prayers in an outwards fashion. I don’t usually pray for myself specifically. But I, for the most part, converse with God.

Like I need to tell Him shit … That He already knows about.

But prayer is humility. It is a humbling to say to my God that I don’t know, and I would like to know, as I need to know it. I don’t have all the answers, but I know they will come, in due time.

To talk to God, like I would talk to Todd. I know how to do that.

I much more, trust the process, because I know, that I am in God Grace.

For a long time, I thought, that I would have to live in the world “out there.” And I did not like the world out there. I did not like it at all. As long as I was in Todd’s world I was fine.Inside a very finite circle of love and care. When Todd moved away, and I had to make it in the world “out there” my life became a disaster.

When I moved into the world here, in Montreal, I found another circle of care and love. I found good people, with good intentions, who did for me what I could not do for myself, until I learned how to do for myself.

I live inside that circle today.

I don’t have to go outside my circle for anything. For the last eighteen years, the circle has provided for me, in many ways.

God is in the center of that circle. I know that, intimately.

When we pray, we should always pray “Thy will be done. Or, If it is Thy will.”

What ever I ask for, I speak the words, If It Is They Will, and Not Mine.

Because I know how off my human will is. Left to my own will, my life becomes a disaster.

When I was safely inside God’s will, over the years, life got good. I see the differences in how my life went along, when I was running the show. it was not good at all.

Last night I wrote about the whispers, the two by four, and the brick wall.

God is pretty specific with me. He cuts me no slack, because He knows that if you give me an inch, I will take a mile. If I can get away with selfish, I will take it.

That has been the ongoing lesson lately. Selfishness.

God has been pruning my tree as of late. And He’s been pretty specific about it too. He isn’t joking around. This is big business. Getting rid of selfishness.

My Elder spiritual adviser tells me that I have been through the furnace. And I have reached the next frontier with God.He wrote the other day:

“I have read every word of what you wrote. And I am proud of you. Proud that you can speak these words to yourself. Proud that you have the courage to speak them to others. Proud that that you are here, proud that you have walked this road and made such astounding progress since the lowest of the low had you in its grasp.

You have arrived at the final frontier, the last great sacrifice that God demands of his sons when they truly seek him. That sacrifice is consecration, a complete turning of body, mind and spirit towards Gods purposes. Consecration, like sobriety, like conversion is not an event, but a process, and you are on the path. Consecration takes the mundane and makes it holy…

You have been where your children are. You have walked their path, you have carried their sorrows. Now you stand a few steps above them, you have matured, you have mastered, you have received a measure of light above them. Now turn, and stretch out the hand that was stretched out to you. Speak the words that your Father spoke to you, and the same words that one day your children will speak to their sons and daughters. 

Adopt them. Love them. Cherish them. Raise them to do good. Teach them that there is a God in heaven who loves them enough to save them. Be patient with their shortcomings. Catch them when they fall. Admonish them when they act against what they know.

Reach down and strengthen them when their knees are shaking and they are learning to walk. Be the father that you needed at their age in the process. One day they will write their stories, and when they write your name, a tear will come to their eyes, and a lump will come to their throats, as they write your name.

Jeremy:read:God.

These are Godly words.

I need not say anything further. Except to say: Grateful.

Acceptance, A Bitter Pill to Swallow

What happens when you are forced to re-evaluate your life, and one realizes that the life you had been living is no more? And all those parts of life, that make you, who you are, no longer apply?

When I “Came Out,” I came out into a world that was segregated, to itself. There was a particular door, I needed to walk through, and there was only one location, where that door existed, according to the man who told me this piece of information.

For the whole of my life, I consumed every piece of reading material that I could find, in the home I lived in. Reading material that I found titillating and erotic. I knew, I was Gay, before I knew what Gay was, because the media I consumed, via radio and print, was specific.

I had an idea of the life I wanted, because it was fantastical. It was, a Fantasy.
A Fantasy that would never materialize. Never …

If you are gay, sex is part of who you are. it is what we do. It is how we express love and attraction. If you were gay, then you were sexual. That was a given. And in my twenties, I was pretty, desirable, sexual. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that there was only one way into the Gay Community.

That One Way, was through a bar. A location where like minds drank and socialized.

I was told, to go to a particular bar, Uncle Charlies. A bar I knew well, later on in my story. But I went to this bar, parked my car, and set my resolve that I was going to go inside and have a couple of drinks, because I was told, that IF I DRANK, fireworks would happen.

For a decade I did that. I would go to a bar, and I would drink, and eventually, fireworks would happen. I knew, that if I showed up, people would notice me, and notice me they did.

I made numerous mistakes. I met all the wrong people. And I did stupid things, when I drank. I was a tornado in the lives of people. I became a selfish liar.

Now I know, I was sold a delusional bill of goods. Being gay, for me, was a selfish lifestyle. But it was all that I knew. because for the time being it worked for me, until it stopped working.

I never knew where I was going to end up, once I started drinking. What house I would end up in, or in who’s bed. That drinking charade lasted, until one morning at 7 a.m. I was sitting in a bar in Fort Lauderdale, and I entered into an agreement, an alcoholic agreement.

That one sexual event, was the event that changed my life. I took me a very long time, to realize that on that morning, the Proverbial Bullet was shot. And evidently, I was the target, I did not know I was the target, but in the end, it was Me who Lost.

Meanwhile, James was on his way out of this life. I had separated and began to figure out what I was going to do after falling for a serial liar and cheater. He would eventually commit suicide. I would find him five days too late.

Up till now, the fantasy life I had imagined, had yet to materialize.

One night, I decided to go to the Old Stud. A kid in jeans and t-shirt, walking into a rough and tumble leather bar. I knew, it was trouble I was looking for. I went there on purpose.

That was the night that Todd stepped out of heaven and wrecked my world.

He knew, why I was standing in his bar, with a drink in my hand. His first impression took me by surprise, but it was love at first strike.

And you know, that fantasy life I so wanted, died that night.

Todd saw fit to never allow me to entertain my darkest fantasies. Ever. He knew the trouble I sought, and in ensuing years, after I got sick, and sex all but dried up forever, he knew the trouble makers out there, and he knew that if I went there, there would be even more trouble for me. Trouble that I would never survive.

And survival was the thrust of our relationship, Todd and I. He worked very hard at making sure I lived, when everybody else died, slowly, miserably and addicted.

I got sober. Because I was dying of AIDS.

I turned my will and my life over to the care of Todd:read:God, on a nightly basis. I learned Step Three on a nightly basis. Getting sober, came in a distant second to surviving AIDS in the 1990’s.

I did stay sober. I never had sex again. I did try, but men are evil. That was a bitter lesson.

How was I going to survive as a gay man, and never have sex again? I had no idea, but as long as I had something to do, to stay out of my head, and work, I did not have time to think about sex.

When Todd moved away, and I relocated to Miami for a doctor, AA, did not welcome me. It was just the opposite. AA told me to go away and never return.

That was sick, evil, and could have killed me in the end.

When they told me to go away, my ego and my selfish pursuits rose in my throat. It consumed me, and the next decision I made, SOBER, was to pursue sex.

I pulled a geographic in sobriety. 1000 miles away. For SEX. Point. Stop.

I did not find it. However I found more addiction, drugs, and alcohol. I did not only drink, I used drugs. Until I hit the moment that the cops showed up and took me away, and sent me to a rehab house in another state to dry out and sober up.

I was there for a month.

The life I lived in the past, the life I knew, was used against me, and I almost lost my life, in the selfish pursuit I was on. You cannot have sex, with an individual who is addicted and mentally unstable. You don’t know what you don’t know, and I did not know the state of the man I was after, before I got there. it was plainly, a total surprise.

A month later, I returned to Miami. On a bus, across the United States.

I was still drinking, thankfully, I never touched another drug.

9-11 happened. And that stopped the taps for a couple of weeks.

But once we started drinking again, it only got worse. I knew I could not drink every day, so I chose to binge on Saturday nights.

At age 34 … I had pissed away four years of sobriety and was on the end of my eighteen month slip.

I would go to Salvation, a nightclub in a big hall, with big sound, and Pretty Men.

I knew the drill. Arrive at 11 p.m. wait till midnight, when the main hall opened, start drinking. At 1 a.m. the bells would ring, and the liquid nitrogen was dropped on the club, wherein men of all stripes would strip their shirts and get down to business.

I figured that if I drank, someone would notice, and sex would happen.

I did drink, until I fell down.
Somebody noticed; and got me from the club into my bed, across several weeks,
Sex never happened.

I prayed to God for the Solution. The solution came.

Troy took me to my next First Meeting, at SOBE. December 2001.

I got sober, and have been sober ever since.almost eighteen years in December.

11 months into Sobriety, I met my now husband. In short order, we dated for a month, I moved into this apartment over Christmas 2002, and I never left.

I became a Canadian Citizen on February 13th, 2003.

For a short while, before mental illness took the man I met away from me, we had sex a handful of times. As of that date, we’ve never had sex, ever again. Bi-polar medication does things to ones brain, when medicine is pounded for a year, without fail, until the correct mixture was found.

What was a sex life, became non-existent. We don’t talk about it, and we don’t have sex, it is not at the top of either of our personal lists.

Cue to April 1st, 2019.

I have the third prophetic dream and in that dream, Chastity becomes a solution. I knew, that if I did not act on this dream, I would be making a mistake. Ignoring God a third time, would end up, a wall falling down on top of me, because I ignored Him three times.

I was not going to ignore Him a third time.

It took me six months of selfish wrangling about my sex life, to finally turn it all over, and accept that I am not a sexual being any longer. I am not having sex, with anyone, because I’d never cheat on my husband. So masturbation was the constant.

A constant that had to come to an end. And I had to be ok with that.

Like I said, it took me six months to ACCEPT this little truth about myself. But Accept I did, without reservation. I turned this last portion of an old selfish idea of myself over to God, as I understand Him.

Acceptance keeps coming up in meetings, and several times over the past few months, I’ve had to eat this word, bitterly. Acceptance IS a Bitter Pill to swallow, when one realizes that the person you thought you were, when this journey began in my twenties, no longer exists. This is who I am today.

I want to rid myself of character defects and shortcomings.

Being Selfish is an old idea I really need to shed, today, and not tomorrow.

I need to believe that God has my back. No matter how hard I trust God, I still second guess Him, to my own peril.

Let’s just say that I am openly admitting my selfishness, and how ugly it is, and that I cannot abide in God and retain selfish motives or needs.

Giving up of myself totally and without reservation has to be the final Godly order.

I know what is right. I just need to believe that I can do the right thing, even if I do not want to do the right thing, because the right thing, takes away the final part of what makes me a gay man, and what will I be when I take away everything that made me who I was when I came out of the closet all those years ago ?

I have no idea. But I am on the way to finding out.

My best friend and I are participating in Locktober.

Change is coming. As long as we can see the truth.

Finding the Right Lock

Tonight we read the Seminal Most Important reading in the book, Page 417 …

Acceptance IS the KEY to ALL of my problems.
Nothing happens in God’s World by Mistake, Nothing …

When the chair announced the reading several of us GROANED with emotion. And my friend sitting next to me said to me … “AH Jesus, this reading AGAIN?”

I know that if I have a problem with anyone around me, the real problem lies within me. And I have to stop and look in the mirror and see where I am at fault. I’m really not a control freak, because I know how that goes. But I do have some truth.

I was once told that
“Just because you have time, does not necessarily mean you are sober.”

It took me over twelve years to figure out what that meant. I have endeavored to have done the necessary homework to be able to speak clearly, with conviction, and truth. Because sometimes we have to tell the uncomfortable truth, even if it hurts.

I went to the meeting tonight, to find one of my kids. Whom I fear, has used up his nine lives and I fear, the next time he might decide to go down his rabbit hole, that he won’t make it out alive. And I so badly want to try and help him.

But my friend Josh said to me after the meeting, that I need to let him come to me, if even that might happen, because our kids won’t ask for help, and we must allow them their free will to chose what they wish to do. But it was a good thing he took several newcomer chips in the last week, so he knows to come back.

I cannot save my kids unless they want help. I cannot force sobriety on them, because the greatest sin is this:

“To get in the way of anothers spiritual journey.”

All I can do is hope. I asked another friend who had seen my young man the other night, to text him my phone number. now it is up to him to use that number, and soon.

Let Us Pray …

LOCKTOBER

Last night I had a coffee date with my best friend. Wearing my really cool, “Team Locked” sweatshirt. He had a good laugh at me. He could not believe that I would wear it out in public. Not that many people have any idea what chastity is, and why we would engage in this practice.

Suffice to say, he will be participating with me in Locktober.30 days to refocus our brains away from ourselves, and onto much better things to do, like helping others.

This morning I went grocery shopping and stopped in at The Tire to see if I could find a better lock for my rage cage. I could not stand the pin and small lock that was provided. And the pin hole on the wings of the base ring is wide enough to accept a much larger lock that would fill the pin hole and not give the cage the ability to come apart.

I did find that lock, it is much larger than the original lock. Now I have the cage I want, that is the best choice I had made yet. I have the proper lock I want to secure said cage.

Over the past month I have been talking to my guys in my Chastity community, and they have given me sound advice. Full time chastity is a nice thought, but not viable in the long run. Because once you hit a certain age, (read: Your fifties) one must be careful to avoid Prostate Cancer. Because once you hit fifty, doctors will begin testing you for prostate cancer. The older you get, the better the chance you will develop a problem.

Making sure you “Cleanse the Pipes” every so often, will lessen that chance of a build up of fluid that can react with your biology and problems arise.

Too many of the gay men I know, in the rooms, have all had cancer. And I watched them navigate their choices. One of those men died last year. And there are just a few of them left, alive. Many of our older men have had Cancer.

I don’t need Cancer. I have enough problems of my own.

I am powerless over people, places, and things.
There is a God, and I am not God.
I cannot save every kid I would like, even if I wanted to.

Acceptance is the key to All of my problems.

Misery is Optional

What happens when one finds the key and connects with the Power Greater than Ourselves, and then that (God) begins to drop Grace upon you ?

When one finally sheds light on all of us, (read: Me) When after many prod-dings of my spiritual director, to let go and let God, to turn the light on all of the darkness in my soul, and I did, in a process that took me months, I can see, clearly.

When I united a very important incarnation of myself, with the incarnation of myself today, it all began to make sense to me. When I made that final decision, to turn on the lights, and see the light, my life began to reshape itself.

I’ve made a final covenant with my God. And in making that covenant, I made a choice, a choice I am familiar with, because when I entered seminary, many years ago, I had to make certain covenants when I began my studies.

I am familiar with covenant.

I know, as an alcoholic, I am extremely selfish and self centered. And those two character defects, dog me, dog all of us. But the 9th Step Promises, speak towards what life can look like when we get to that point in sobriety.

What I know right now, and can see clearly, in my friends, is this: People know me, and are very leery of speaking to me, about sobriety, or their lives. Because I have enough life experience, at age fifty two, and almost eighteen years of sobriety, that I see what’s going on. I know how people have treated me at crucial stages of my sober journey.

And I know, that I have had to navigate my feelings, and emotions, stone cold sober. When I hit the worst phase of my sobriety, nobody wanted to touch me, the old timers saw me suffering, and saw I was angry, and they were not afraid to tell me, to myself, that indeed I was angry. I was angry at God for allowing 50 kids to get shot and killed in a bar, I used to drink in, when I was their age, back in Orlando.

Nobody, NOT ONE SOBER SOUL, Offered me a solution to my anger. I had to do that all by myself, ALONE.

I was angry at God for a long time. In order to curb that anger, I participated in reading the Big Book, cover to cover, over fourteen months. I stayed sober, and dealt with my anger, Alone. So I know …

I kept doing what I knew to be the next right thing. The direct actions against my own will, as one of my friends speaks about often.

I’m still sober. Now, unified with my God, in every way. My cup is empty, and an empty cup is filled fuller, when that cup is not holding anything, (read: That which we are holding onto in the darkness of our souls).

God can fill that cup now.

I’ve become a rigorously honest person. More than I have been, because nobody is telling me to shut the fuck up, because people know my emotional state when I am angry, they’ve all seen it in real time. And they witnessed that anger until it was abated.

What I see is not good. My kids are suffering. Fifteen kids have drank and used again, over the last three months. Meeting are failing our kids. Old timers are failing our kids.

My Kids won’t ask for help, under the pain of DEATH.

I believe that if we don’t reach out and say something now, that things are going to get a lot worse. My old timer friends WON’T do anything. They tell me, LET THEM FALL. Don’t say a word, let them come crawling to us, THEN and ONLY THEN we will help them, because they will eat humble pie and finally ASK for HELP.

They will go down in flames before admitting that they have hit bottom, and that they need help. Because MANY of our kids judge us, who have long term sobriety. They see us, yet, many of them cannot see themselves in our shoes.

Our kids are MISERABLE.

I’ve been seeing and hearing Misery for a very long time.

I know what misery sounds like.

We heard it again tonight. And once again, I told the truth. People know, that if they ask me for help, that I will give them a plan of action. Work to Do. Steps to work, Prayers to say, meetings to go to, service that must be done, to make meetings work.

Coffee does not make itself, and sure as shit, chairs don’t set themselves down by themselves either. It’s not rocket science.

Over the last five years, I’ve seen many kids come in, and TRY. But not hard enough. And they are miserable. And I ask the question, WHY?

Growth is possible. Misery is optional.

In order to get sober, one old timer said tonight, “One must pay the price.” That price is who we were, and what we had done. The price is paid, in the time and talent we spend in getting sober.

It’s not Rocket Science.

So many people, long sober, sober in between, and sober a short time, so many people are just plain stone cold sober, suffering their character defects, and they are miserable, because they won’t lift a finger to make it better.

Do you want to be a DRY DRUNK or SOBER ???

YOU CANNOT GET SOBER BY WAY OF OSMOSIS.

I just cannot put a book against your head, and you’ll have a spiritual experience, and suddenly be struck SOBER, all at once.

It does not work that way. My kids all know that, yet they would not deign to walk up to me and ask for my plan of solution. That comes right out of the book, as it was written, 80 years ago. The solution is the same, as it was 80 years ago.

Some of us know that solution, have worked the program, and have enough time to be able to synthesize sober words, into a successful plan of action for anyone who wants it.

Sadly, very few people want that solution from me.

I know why.

So I go to meetings and I tell the truth. Hopefully, if I keep telling the truth, someone is going to, in the end, want the help, to GET OUT OF MISERY.

There is a God, but I am NOT GOD.

Sobriety is a process, a painful process. But would you rather be who you were, when you drank, SOBER ? Would you rather remain miserable like you were when you were drunk?

Read Page 52 in the book, and the Bedevilments

Let go the misery and walk across the bridge over the River of Denial.

The proposition is simple.

Read the Book. It says those words on page 112. “Read This Book.”

Life can be full, bigger, happy, joyous, and free.

The choice is yours.

Misery is Optional.

Solutions – Blow Up – Part 2

Last week, before the Thursday meeting, I was talking to one of my best Lady friends before the meeting. And I told her about my woes about watching kids stuck in the revolving door, that it is becoming too much to sit in certain meetings, listening to miserable people, when they know that the solution, or the path to the solution is sitting probably a few chairs away from them, yet they won’t ask for help, for certain reasons.

She said this … She is 70 years old and sober as long as myself. She said that she only goes to meetings where she is being fed good food, so to speak. She does not go to meetings where it is gloom and doom and misery.

She also said that ladies in our age bracket, life wise, and sober wise, do not waste their time trying to help those, who don’t want the help we offer, nor ask for it in any case, or don’t want the solution and that they constantly want to live in the problem, once again, knowing the solution, or the path TO the solution is not far from where they are sitting.

Most old timers from “our grouping” who have Booked, Done Steps, Got sober and are happy sober, there are a specific group of men and women in this grouping, they won’t touch newcomers with a ten foot pole, because, we all know right now, it is useless, because none of them are really serious about the solution. They’d rather spin inside the revolving door, rather than settle down and do the work necessary to get and stay sober, so why waste our time?

We have better things to do, for those who really need it and want it too. There are a handful of people we know who work for their bread and butter, and we know who just won’t work at all and are starving because of their penchant for the drink.

Last week I spoke to my best friend, and I wrote what he said to me then, that I should stop overextending myself. That if people don’t want what I have, then let them be, and stop going to meetings where all people want to do is spin their wheels.

I cannot save everyone, and that’s not my responsibility either. He knows what I do for the chosen few I work with, and we do well together, because my guys work for their bread and butter. 100% !

I broke my fast last night, because I can only sit in the same room with my husband before I want to strangle him ! Sometimes he drives me crazy, because he never leaves the house unless he goes to the gym in the mid mornings, then he works from home all damn day long, sitting not ten feet from my desk all day long! UGH!!

I’m ruminating and it 4:44 in the morning right now and I am wide awake because I could not sleep, so I got up to write some more ramblings of an alcoholic, yet sober, mind.

Am I crazy ?

I know, over the last two years, those men and women who have contributed, solidly to my sobriety. And I know who didn’t, and who doesn’t right now. I sit in certain meetings week after week, with the same old timers, who do not contribute one word to me in positive reinforcement or saying anything of advice to me on anything I say in a meeting. They just let me shoot off my mouth when a stream of consciousness hits me, and I go off like a rocket, like I did last night.

Right now all everyone has to say to me is stupid smart ass comments about my looks, my jewelry, or my outfits. And last night I swore at two men who shot their mouths off at me, and told them to keep their smart ass comments to themselves. Weren’t they shocked that I spoke like that to friends !

I’m wasting my time sitting in meetings that aren’t feeding me …

Waste Of Time…

Blow Up … There IS a Solution

I Lost My Cookies Tonight, It Was Not Pretty At All … Rigorous Honesty Post

Almost eighteen years ago, I came in for the second time, SO, I’ve had my slip experience. The first time I got sober, nobody spoke of steps, and I did not have a sponsor, I had Todd, who was teaching me how to survive AIDS. The meeting hall I was attending was very toxic and made getting sober, harder than anything I have ever seen since.

You don’t bet on newcomers to see when they will drink again, you just do not do that.

When I came into Montreal, in month 4, when I moved here, I walked into the room that I homed in for over twelve years. I was going to MANY meetings at that time, as I had no other activity going on before I got my Canadian Papers.

In those eighteen years, the way I got and stayed sober, was by watching what everyone else was doing, what they were saying, what decisions they were making. Along with working my own program, with men who really helped me seal my sobriety. I took the good, and I left the bad. Whatever worked for you, I thought that it would work for me, but obviously, if you drank again, I did NOT … And that’s the way I stayed sober.

It has not been all a cake walk. And I have had my share of trouble in sobriety, BUT, I did not drink, at any point during the hard times. I returned to that original Home Group many months ago.

And like I’ve said, Sobriety in 2019, is not the same as Sobriety in 2002. It just isn’t. For many reasons. In the rooms, over the years, I have stuck with winners. With people, Old and Young, who are enthusiastic about the Book and the Steps. I work my steps every year. I hit several meeting a week, all of them different. I have a solid sponsor, and solid friends in the program.

Recently, I sit in beginners meetings, and all I hear from our kids is sorrow, and pain, and for the life of me, I try to help those who will listen to anything I have to tell them about staying sober, and NOT drinking again.

It has become obvious that many of those folks, did not/and do not, listen to anything I have said to them, and tonight I heard them say, in the open, that they are hurt that I would be so rigorously honest, IN a meeting.

How dare I speak as if I am better than they are.
I am not better than anyone. And those people who know me intimately know this.

But I listen. And I watch. Over the last few months, many folks sit in meetings, they don’t take anything home with them, they don’t call anyone, they don’t do anything to stave off that next drink AND: THEY DRINK AGAIN. And More Than Once.

One of our kids said she took twenty five beginners chips. She’s been stuck in that revolving door for YEARS. I watched her. She never listened to anything I said, in both fellowships we both attend, that I don’t any more.

But I said and I quote:

I am tired of going of beginners meetings. it is painful to watch people come in, be miserable, and know there is a solution, but because I am who I am, nothing I have is very attractive to ANYONE. So Fuck me for trying. I’ve been sitting in this hall for the whole of my sobriety, and I can tell you, by name, how many people drank again, and again, and again. I know everyone who did. Because if I saw you go out, I knew that something that you were doing, was not working for you, so I knew not to make that mistake myself.

I stayed sober, while many people did not.

There are only three men, sitting in this room right now, who were here when I came in, and all three of us are still sober. Obviously, we did something right. Obviously, we found the solution NOT to drink again, and that entails WORK.

When people ask me for help and I tell them what I did that worked, that work entails WORK, not just sitting in a chair, and reading the book, now and then. You actually have to work to stay sober, you just don’t get sober by OSMOSIS.

I know how many of you are suffering and I know the women are no doing well by the rate of how many of you have drank, several times over the last month, but because we are men, you won’t ask for help, when the women aren’t helping you stay sober, it is obvious those women are doing something wrong if what they are telling you, does not work AND you drank again.

I pound the God Damned pavement. I seek answers, I work the Book, BY the Book. I seek information in the most enthusiastic in the rooms. And I know what they know, so whatever I have to give, comes directly from someone, who gave that knowledge to me.

By the time I had finished, my friends were sitting a bit higher in their chairs, and All I heard after I shared was indignation by everyone else who shared after me.

All because I said something Rigorously Honest.

We read How It Works tonight. And we all know what that reading says:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Many of us exclaimed “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholics and could not manage our own lives;

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism;

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

This is IN the Book, we hear it at every meeting. And really, many people do not pay attention to the words. And I know from reading “Our Great Responsibility,” that Bill took great care with crafting the Steps based on the Oxford Group Six steps. He augmented the steps to make sure there was no wiggle room. Hence Twelve Steps.

Many early alcoholics who saw the first few chapters of the book, as it had been written in the 1930’s, were angry that Bill included so much God and so much Honesty.

I was rigorously honest tonight, and I am sure I made many enemies tonight, because I called out half measures, as the reading also speaks about. And I told the truth. I spoke about THE Solution. And that there is one.

And I closed with, we come here to learn how to STOP. How many people have I watched over the past few years, read the Big Book, cover to cover, and get to the LAST Chapter, and it tells us how to STAY STOPPED and that we NEVER have to drink again …

And I watched a number of those men and women DRINK AGAIN…

That just BLOWS my Fucking mind.

I mean really, people are afraid of honesty better yet, Rigorous Honesty. I say I can help you, but that will take some work on your part, and what does everybody say to that:

OH I DON”T WORK, I DON’T PRAY, AND I DON’T DO GOD !!!

Ok, then how the fuck are you going to stay sober when you’ve negated everything you must do, there are TWO MUSTS in the book, things we must do to stay sober, what are you going to do when the drink is in your hand and you chose to drink it rather that put that drink down and call someone who can help you?

We need to drop the walls between men and women, gay and straight, Non-Binary and Trans. We need to be able to ask ANYONE who has something to offer, has something like part of or all of the solution, ready for anyone who will listen, help you NOT take that next drink !

God give me strength …

I’m so tired of going to meeting where all people want to do is piss and moan about how miserable they are, knowing some of us sitting in that same room, are sober multiple years, decades even, who know what to do, but you won’t come up and ask, because we might ask you to do something, like Work, or Pray, or Step Work, and we know you won’t ask, because you don’t do WORK.

FUCK ME !!!

Re-Evaluation

Today was a great day.

One of my friends returned from Summer vacation a new man. And he remarked to me, upon seeing me, for the first time in three months, that I too had changed.

We both took the Summer to re-evaluate our lives, learn new skills, and make positive changes to maximize our time, as individuals, and as friends.

We had a pow wow prior to his departure, and we both had goals that were attainable, (provided we put in the work) but, as you know, life does not toss you roses and teddy bears all the time.

For both of us it was a challenging Summer for each of us, in our own ways. He shared his story with me, and I shared my story with him. We both came away with a new appreciation of possibilities.

I believe I am about to make another turn, in my sobriety. I told him what has been going on with people, young and old. Told him about the misery in the rooms in many places, and my irritation with negativity and misery and the fact that there are battles I cannot win, and people, I will never please, and work that I do, for people who really take advantage of my good hardheartedness.

And that the Alcoholic WILL DRINK AGAIN.

Give people an inch they will take a mile.

He reminded me that I really don’t have to over extend myself, because I have done my job for King and Country. I know what my strengths are, and if I don’t need to hang around drunkenness and misery, then DON’T.

I don’t have to stay in places that thrive on conflict and misery. He told me that I might be on to something, because the way I explained things to him, it seemed to him, that people won’t step up, but will make snide comments because I am on the ball, so to speak. I have goals and I pound the pavement, and people see that and for many, they are jealous about what I have, because they won’t step up and do the same for themselves.

He also told me that I really helped him and that in that help, I changed his life in ways he never imagined.

He was grateful. And I was humbled.

Todd always told me that if I wanted to do right, then pick the people with promise and potential and take them under my wing and teach them what I was taught by Todd, and thereby changing lives, one at a time, in ways they nor I ever imagined.

I have done that.

There is a solution, available to everyone. It just seems that people are more comfortable in complacency and misery. Because not many want the challenge I put to them. I even scared a boy away from the rooms, by asking him to pray, and to do some step work, hell I even bought him a really nice journal to write in, and he’s never hit another meeting since. It’s been about a month now and he’s been MIA.

The other night I completed phase One of my full transition. Getting rid of distraction. I scrubbed my computer, and closed all of my distraction accounts, and deleted them from my system.

I am making good use of my CB-6000 right now.

Tonight I completed phase Two, of my transition. The Rage Cage has been purchased and will go out sometime tomorrow, with a receive date of probably next week. I went to The Tire to see if they had the solder supplies I need to seal the deal, so that I don’t have to trek all the way to St. Henri and hit the Home Depot instead. Thankfully, in a few hours I will go to The Tire up the block and get the necessary wand and metal solder wire.

We will be prepared to make it all happen as soon as the Rage arrives.

I have a goal in mind, and I am making it happen. I have all the necessary support to be successful and now I have the permission of my guides to make certain changes I wanted to make, but I needed to run them by sound minds before I put my choices into action. First I needed to know if I was right, if my thoughts were clear, and I explained the issues correctly to make a solid judgment call.

With that said … My final plans are coming into fruition.

By next week, a new chapter in my life will begin, in ways I had never imagined just a few short months ago. I had a prophetic dream one night, I acted upon it the next day, and here we are with a totally new perspective on Life, Chastity, Obedience, Humility, and Friendship.

Grateful …

Thank You God.