The talk, recently, is about God.
I like to talk about God, because He is an integral part of my existence. God has been the thread that has woven into my life from the very beginning. And I can relate all those stories over and over. Just thinking about all the close passes of God, in my life, only reinforces the fact that, I am intimately connected to God.
For a long time, I was not sure I could live up to that standard, or if that kind of God conscious life, was even tenable. I was not sure, I could safely abide in God, in all things, or if I had to try and make it, out there, in the “real world.”
I am the kind of person, who would rather, cede control to someone or something, other than myself, because I know, deep down, left to my own devices, I really do not do very well, because of my monkey brain.
With Todd:read:God, I was able to turn it all over, all of it, and trust that He had my back, and I did not ever have to second guess him, “outwardly” that is. That took some time, but once I let go, all was well.
For a very long time, I did not trust myself to make right decisions. For a long time, I did not trust my own thoughts, or my own words. I always second guessed myself, when it came to what I know, and how I know it. And I sat on my hands.
Yes, I would talk, but it was always superficial talk.
If I needed to do something, learn something, or make a decision, for years, and years, I would always have a number of people, that I would run my choices by, people I trusted, whom I believed, would direct me to the right choices.
Once piece of advice I got was this:
At one point, I did not know where I was going. early on, after I moved here. One foot below the border and the other above it. I was unsure of my moves, early on.
The advice goes thus: If you don’t know where you are or where you are going, then st down, where you are. Take out your map, study the map, and study your surroundings. Get a lay of the land, and everything in it.
When you have done all that, being fully informed as you are able, make your next choice, roll up your map and start walking.
You can always sit down and consult your map.
The map usually has one point on it, with a red dot, that says: You are Right Here. The map does not extend very far into the future, for it only tells you where you are, and gives you a little headway, but not too much to overwhelm you.
It’s only been in recent months that I’ve begin to trust what I know and how I know it, based on the fact that there aren’t very many people, critiquing what I say in public. The chatter in my head is less than it used to be, but it is still there.
I talk about prayer this way.
If you sit, and you pray, are you moving your hands and arms outwards, away from you, or are you moving your hands and arms, towards you? Are you praying intentionally, or selfishly. Outwards:Intentional, Inwards:Selfishly.
When I talk about prayer, and I move my arms away from myself, I get a flutter in my chest, a feeling of right. That I offer my prayers in an outwards fashion. I don’t usually pray for myself specifically. But I, for the most part, converse with God.
Like I need to tell Him shit … That He already knows about.
But prayer is humility. It is a humbling to say to my God that I don’t know, and I would like to know, as I need to know it. I don’t have all the answers, but I know they will come, in due time.
To talk to God, like I would talk to Todd. I know how to do that.
I much more, trust the process, because I know, that I am in God Grace.
For a long time, I thought, that I would have to live in the world “out there.” And I did not like the world out there. I did not like it at all. As long as I was in Todd’s world I was fine.Inside a very finite circle of love and care. When Todd moved away, and I had to make it in the world “out there” my life became a disaster.
When I moved into the world here, in Montreal, I found another circle of care and love. I found good people, with good intentions, who did for me what I could not do for myself, until I learned how to do for myself.
I live inside that circle today.
I don’t have to go outside my circle for anything. For the last eighteen years, the circle has provided for me, in many ways.
God is in the center of that circle. I know that, intimately.
When we pray, we should always pray “Thy will be done. Or, If it is Thy will.”
What ever I ask for, I speak the words, If It Is They Will, and Not Mine.
Because I know how off my human will is. Left to my own will, my life becomes a disaster.
When I was safely inside God’s will, over the years, life got good. I see the differences in how my life went along, when I was running the show. it was not good at all.
Last night I wrote about the whispers, the two by four, and the brick wall.
God is pretty specific with me. He cuts me no slack, because He knows that if you give me an inch, I will take a mile. If I can get away with selfish, I will take it.
That has been the ongoing lesson lately. Selfishness.
God has been pruning my tree as of late. And He’s been pretty specific about it too. He isn’t joking around. This is big business. Getting rid of selfishness.
My Elder spiritual adviser tells me that I have been through the furnace. And I have reached the next frontier with God.He wrote the other day:
“I have read every word of what you wrote. And I am proud of you. Proud that you can speak these words to yourself. Proud that you have the courage to speak them to others. Proud that that you are here, proud that you have walked this road and made such astounding progress since the lowest of the low had you in its grasp.
You have arrived at the final frontier, the last great sacrifice that God demands of his sons when they truly seek him. That sacrifice is consecration, a complete turning of body, mind and spirit towards Gods purposes. Consecration, like sobriety, like conversion is not an event, but a process, and you are on the path. Consecration takes the mundane and makes it holy…
You have been where your children are. You have walked their path, you have carried their sorrows. Now you stand a few steps above them, you have matured, you have mastered, you have received a measure of light above them. Now turn, and stretch out the hand that was stretched out to you. Speak the words that your Father spoke to you, and the same words that one day your children will speak to their sons and daughters.
Adopt them. Love them. Cherish them. Raise them to do good. Teach them that there is a God in heaven who loves them enough to save them. Be patient with their shortcomings. Catch them when they fall. Admonish them when they act against what they know.
Reach down and strengthen them when their knees are shaking and they are learning to walk. Be the father that you needed at their age in the process. One day they will write their stories, and when they write your name, a tear will come to their eyes, and a lump will come to their throats, as they write your name.“
These are Godly words.
I need not say anything further. Except to say: Grateful.