I have problems, that I cannot solve on my own.
I have a collection of old photos of myself, that either I had taken and they ended up with someone who sent them to me, or people have old photos of me that they took, and also sent to me, I look at these photos and I think to myself, I have no memory of any of these photos.
I used to be young and pretty. As a young gay boy, young and pretty went very far, if you had both of those attributes. Add some alcohol, and like my shrink once told me … Fireworks will happen.
And that was definitely the case, until I hit the trifecta of bad alcoholic decisions. I was young, I was a drunk, I was drinking at 7 am in the morning, and I had sex with two men, one of whom shot that proverbial bullet at me, and it was definitely a direct HIT.
For a while, I was still pretty, until I wasn’t.
As I grew older, I hit several key moments in my life, where I looked in the mirror and said to myself, I really don’t like who’s looking back at me.
The first time, was back in Miami Beach, years ago, when I realized I was looking at my father, and I ran to the nearest hair salon, and went from dark hair to platinum blonde.
That was an expensive, I hate myself realization.
That stage did not last very long, because I could not maintain that luxury. Or that luxury I thought I really needed.
Nowadays, when I look in the mirror, I see myself. I don’t necessarily like the visual looking back at me either. My friends would disagree with me on this. Because none of my sober friends would ever tell me to my face that I had “issues” with my looks.
I have not aged gracefully. And in today’s reality, there is not enough money, nor the insurance, nor medical coverage, to correct my personal “looks” problems.
In the last two years, my tooth issues have brought me to an all time low, in self esteem. And I’ve accepted, however terrible that statement is, that, I may go to my grave, looking the way I do, because One, Quebec insurance does not cover major dental, and Two, There is not an insurance plan available anywhere that will cover the massive work I need done.
So I’ve accepted this truth. A bitter pill to swallow.
Let me tell you, I go to meetings, and see my friends, and I see that look. Some turn their heads when I talk to them, others, just nod.
Instagram is evil. Bot not as evil as Face Book.
I take pictures of myself for my feed, and I think to myself, why do I torture myself with images of myself? I don’t smile, I won’t smile. I keep my mouth shut, and I quietly hate myself.
Things are becoming clear to me about what I want out of time right now. I know that I won’t settle for second dibs on truth and sobriety. I’m not wasting my time with people who do not see me as equal or valued.
Like I said before, being GAY in a Straight Sober World has its perks, but also has its drawbacks. I know who my friends are, truthfully. They would stand with me at any point, for any reason, at any time.
If I had the money, and I know I don’t, things would be better. But nobody is going to loan me $25,000 for major dental work. And that is the cheapest route I can take, with a dentist I have been seeing for some time now. I mean they’ve removed enough teeth that I have to carefully chew my food, in the rear on the left and in the front on the right, because I don’t have enough teeth to do the job as a whole any longer.
UGH FUCK ME
You know those boutique dentist offices that give you these beautiful pictures of beautiful teeth, will run you over $60,000 for an entire mouthful of pretty teeth. I went to two of those boutique offices over the past six months. I sure as shit cannot afford that kind of cash and no bank in the city is going to front me that kind of dough.
We might have stellar medical systems here, and I want for nothing medically, because I have two of the best doctors in the world, on my speed dial. I can get in if need be, on a moments notice.
Too bad government medical does not cover dental too.
That’s not a high priority for the Quebec or Federal Politicians.
In one breath I hate myself, but out of the other side of my life, I am grateful I am still alive and have the life I do today, and the friend I have as well.
You’d never know how much I hate myself, because I work hard at being genuine to my friends, well as genuine as I can be on any given day.
Money cannot buy everything to make everything better. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is the truth. And sometimes there is not enough money to go around to make everything better.
That is the unvarnished truth.